June 3, 2025

And Sometimes we Crash Out

Today I got up at 6 AM as usual on the kids’ school day. I got Mom out the door to get bloodwork around 7:30 AM so that I could go do end of school year errands and be back for Mom’s home health physical therapist to arrive and to meet with online clients 1-4 PM. I pulled the car up to the curb at the lab, the one that I basically only drive for Mom because it’s the only one she can get into. I went into get one of the wheelchairs, making sure that it has the footrests that work for Mom, but no calf rests because they hurt her legs as she lives with lymphedema. She and I together got her in the wheelchair and into the lab, only to be told that the larger hospital’s provider wrote the lab orders, but not the diagnosis on the (yep, even in 2025) old fashioned prescription pad slip I had to carry to the lab that is local to us because it is not a part of the same hospital system as the larger hospital who is now overseeing Mom’s care. We got back in the car and I had more calls to make without the correct phone numbers with me to ask the large hospital provider to please communicate the diagnosis to the lab as soon as possible. Like the resourceful advocate that I am, I went back through my phone to find the number I received a call from when the larger hospital system called and changed Mom’s upcoming appointment. One thing after another. But if I don’t do it, it won’t get done. I know many of you feel that.

Meanwhile I am getting plenty of texts and calls and emails all day about life, including an email from one of my bosses that wasn’t entirely unexpected, but absolutely added to the stress of the day. I started driving around with Mom to my errands to keep her out and about while we awaited an answer about getting the lab work. She made the best of getting to see the “sights” around town and spending the day with me and I remained stressed looking around in 10 different stores for some things I was trying to put together. Mom helped me have a few laughs, but I knew that after work I had more errands, followed by morning clients, followed by the privilege of being able to attend two of my children’s end of year parties as a volunteer, followed by more clients, and an evening of getting ready to head out of town for a funeral on Thursday.

I put every puzzle piece of the to-do list today together doing so hungry and dehydrated (ate lunch late and caffeinated). The new physical therapist session went smoothly, client sessions done, fed the kids, and as my husband stopped by home for 10 seconds after work to pick up our son for soccer practice he said, “See you at zero dark thirty” which he often says to note that we are ships passing in the night, often heading in different directions to do all the things for our kids, my parents, and our volunteer commitments. I headed out and picked up my youngest children’s printed birthday invitations to hand out to their school friends tomorrow. I dared to look at just one sheet of each set of invites and, finding them acceptable, paid for them and went on my way making two more stops going over all the things in my mind. Things needed for this week, next week, and in the months to come. My mental load today involved talking with 6 medical people related to Mom’s medical care either by phone or in person, going through the mental checklist of everything I need and want for the things coming up that we are doing with and for the kids, with and for our church and groups we are involved with, with and for the school, and for summer in general. I asked myself, what might be sold out if I don’t grab it now and what doesn’t really matter and can wait until later? In and out of the car and out to the other end of town again because I forgot something this morning even though I was just there earlier.

Sound familiar? If you are the primary parent and default person for everything-except-primary-financial provider, it probably does. Many of you might even be the primary provider PLUS the one keeping Everything running….hats off to you as you choose to make it all work! After arriving home later than I wanted and preparing for a late night getting things ready that are important for me to do, I opened the paper bag holding the printed invitations, noticed that there was only one sheet of my sons’ and the rest were my daughters’ and I lost it. Was it really about the invitations only? Of course not. But a little bit it was. A little bit I was pretty furious that I made two trips to that side of town and only made it back with the invitations once. I was irritated at myself for not checking things beyond the first two pages in the bag. I was feeling the weight of all of the things that I TRULY do want to do this week and the fact that, as is often the case, the things I could cross off the list without major consequences are actually the only things I want to participate in.

Do I want to arrange all of the appointments? Nope, but no one else really can. Do I want to make meals for my family and know that the piles all over the house (of an infinite number of categories) are almost all my responsibility? I really don’t. Do I want to do never ending laundry? I do not. But these are the things that are really needed for my family members’ well-being. I want to come to the class parties (and I know what a privilege it is that I have the flexibility to do that). I want to host big overblown children’s themed birthday parties that involve everyone we know (when I see a party come together and people enjoying it, it lights up my life). And I want to do the shopping because I am queen of getting fantastic deals and making sure we have that extra quality of life, even if most of it is made possible by clearances, buying in bulk, or discount stores.

I am thankful to be able to put the puzzle together each day, but sandwiched life really piles on sometimes, and self-care without dropping the balls in the air isn’t always possible. There are many valid things to be said about balance and boundaries and self-care, but sometimes the best laid plans don’t go your way and it’s absolutely a thing that the expectations for the designated family caregiver can be pretty heavy. The family caregiver makes it all work out and some of that is rewarding and meaningful. I have a little sign over my pantry now (in our old house it was right above the sink where I washed the dishes) which reads, “Thank God for dirty dishes; they have a tale to tell. While others may go hungry, we’re eating very well. With home, health, and happiness, I shouldn’t want to fuss; by the stack of evidence, God’s been good to us.” And this is true. I am thankful for what my messy house means, that we have thriving healthy growing kids and a sweet spoiled dog, and there’s a beautiful space where my parents share the home and I can provide help followed by an easy commute by foot right upstairs to my bed. I have a phenomenal amount to be grateful for and I am. I am aware that my problems are absolutely first world problems.

But also, more than one thing can be true at the same time, and today it is also true that I feel sandwiched from both sides. It’s not that I want the true alternatives to this, but I wish I truly could pause life like I pause my kids’ shows, to build in more margin. And if you are feeling big, real feelings about being the one who does SO much to keep everyone in your corner’s world going, I want you to know that you are absolutely Not alone. And if you say things you shouldn’t say in front of the kids sometimes when the last straw hits the fan (or if you retreat and hide away while they wait outside the door), I see you. I wanted to be seen by my family tonight, but none of them get it because they don’t live it and they were, understandably disturbed by my meltdown over a printing mishap. My husband solved the problem with an almost-as -good printing effort at home which saved the day and kept me from another trip across town, but not before he told my dad I was overreacting over nothing and dismissed the point of everything I try to do by telling me if I can’t handle it I should just stop doing so much. Not helpful in general and I know many of you have been in similar situations and know how that feels.

I don’t ever want you to think our crew is executing every task with perfection because our humanity is definitely showing. We are taking it day by day with all of you. But can we all agree that with AI booming in 2025 that we have got to be able to find the technology so that I don’t have to carry a prescription slip to the lab- LOL.