June 9, 2025

Catch 22

The sandwich generation’s primary caregivers live in a series of these. We often find ourselves in a no-win situation.

Some recent ones for me include spending a bunch of time lining up summer camps that all 4 of my kids can go to for parts of the day so that we are not spending too much on full-day camps that we cannot afford because I only work part-time because I can’t work full-time and pay someone enough to do all the things I try and fail to do in a day. So I spend time I don’t have finding and registering for camps that might interest my kids of varying ages. For 3 days of this week we found one semi-affordable half day camp that would teach my oldest, second, and third child simultaneously while my youngest attends a separate camp with friends. I used time I didn’t have while paperwork for work is overdue so that I could gain some quiet time to catch up on my paperwork.

After two drop-offs, one with the leader showing up late, I hurried home to lock in with my paperwork. Dad moved his golf day from tomorrow to today because it will rain tomorrow. I want him less stressed and as healthy as he can be, but that meant I had to let the home health OT in. Home health is to free me up to do my work, but she parked me out of my driveway, offered to move while she hung on the phone and eventually came inside. No locking in for me. After I overheard her talking to my mom about discharge I got up and had one of many conversations for clarification and education. Then I got Mom her water and checked if she needed anything else while explaining that my job needs my notes done and I need to do them while the house is quiet. Got one note done before Mom started texting and calling me with her needs. In less than 3 hours’ paid time I had to rush out stressed as can be to two camp pick ups because I got practically nothing done again except for all of what feels like thankless labor for which I am the default family member. Mom’s calling me while I am trying to drive, my kids are screaming and fighting with one another when they’ve only been in the car 3 minutes. I completely lose my patience with them, I get home and work all afternoon with online clients while my kids fend for themselves under the supervision of my teen and preteen because there’s no more money for camp. And there would not have been any money for camp or the vacation we are going to take if I did not see those clients.

And I want to meet with the clients. After my family, the work I do with my clients is the greatest honor of my life. But if I didn’t work I would be able to give more attention to the generations around me and might do so with less rush, less stress. But I’ve been there, when I do that a light in me dims and threatens to go out. I miss work when I don’t work. And when I have too much work and cannot be there for family in the major things from advocating medically to being there for the school events and making sure they get to participate in the activities they want to be part of, it doesn’t feel right either. And if there’s no work there’s no money for the extras that we enjoy together. But it feels like I am always presented with no really good choices. If I spend the time on the holidays and the parties and the activities, the laundry and the clutter threaten to choke the life out of my home and this is close to the current reality. If I delegate, which I am blessed to do with the housecleaning, there are many questions about how many hours I need to fit in at work to cover it.

If I am the one who sits in the ED with Mom to advocate and the doctors do nothing major all night and then I am exhausted all day, no one is taking over with the kids and the laundry and the paperwork for work. If Dad goes and sits there we might risk he and Mom forgetting to verbalize an important detail. If I get home health I have to let them in and wonder when they are coming, with outpatient appointments for Mom I can schedule them but have to clear my morning or afternoon to be the one to take her. If I work or care for the family the chores do not get done.

Still not sure how all of these categories became the primary responsibility of one. Others are sometimes willing to help, including my husband and Dad, but if not, it’s all me.