June 10, 2025

Stop the Ride! I Want to Get Off!

While Sandwiched it can feel like an endless spinning hamster wheel set to Hot Mess Express.

It’s summer and Mom ended up in the ED again yesterday at the large hospital, first time through the ED there with yet another blockage. 3 days to the day after being discharged from her direct hospital to hospital admit. It’s getting close to 8 months since we began this round of revolving door hospitalizations. Dad ditched his golf game to get Mom there because we are 45 minutes away and we are done letting the ambulance take her to the small hospital if we can avoid it. A tiny win was that Dad spent the night in the ED for the team this time. Mom has had a lot of therapy and has lost a bunch of extra pounds (not the healthy way) and as a result she is stronger in some ways and they just saw her there 3 weeks ago so I was able to :sit” this one out. One tiny win is that I could wake up around 7 AM instead of the usual 6 AM because there’s no school bus to miss right now and my role as the family uber driver wasn’t scheduled to leave the driveway until after 8 AM. So I let my feet hit the floor after Mom’s call came through at 6:45 AM, obediently placing me on speaker on her cell phone which is really the only way I get to speak with any member of the surgical team. This resident told me she’d call me. She didn’t. So I was up!

So of course “but first coffee” and then I got an Urgent email from the organizer of my youngest’s camp deciding to start it a half hour late to avoid the rain, meanwhile it said in the email confirmation to wear sneakers instead of cleats so they could go inside in case of rain. Why complain? But actually I ended up having to spend my own bathroom time “urgently” texting my hairapist whose child also attends the camp asking for a favor. Fellow moms in your village are non-negotiable when you’re on the Hot Mess Express. And casting a wide net to expand and grow that village can keep you from being flung from hamster wheel most days. She immediately agreed to drive my youngest to camp since I could not do 9 AM drop off at two camp locations simultaneously and, as he is able to do most mornings, my husband peaced-out early with a spring in his step following the yellow brick road of his routine to the land of locked-in productivity where only adults interrupt you (sometimes he helps when he works from home, often he is involved when not working, and in his defense he works full-time and is the primary provider…but his privileges are different…he steps off the hamster wheel Often….and one could debate whether he really ever has experienced being on it at all).

My village grows often and the fellow moms (and some others) in it are incredible. Yesterday I forgot the shin guards and today I forgot a key piece of sports equipment and a Super Mama who I texted the camp flyer too, but didn’t know she had signed up, showed right up and handed my child just what was needed no strings attached. Another Super Mama texted me all about it as I pulled into the garage and laid eyes on the one I had forgotten to send along. Spent a few minutes sending the love and gratitude and feeling it.

Short-lived….thought I might get some work notes done. Sent an email. Spent time on the phone with the hospital and answering calls from other medical providers’ offices. Spent time sorting through piles with my saint of a cleaning person because we were alone in the house with no one but the phone to interrupt and she knows I am buried in everything I have to deal with and she’s younger and taller and does not get winded taking a million trips up and down our staircases and doesn’t need a stool to reach my kids’ highest closet racks. We made a dent and she brings the enthusiasm for organization. I apologize profusely for the mess and truthfully assert that I would rather facilitate a room full of people in crisis than sort (and especially than donate) the things. Right now we can only afford for her to clean sections of the house during her few hours each week OR to have her help me organize. Not both. Not more. But we know how incredibly privileged that makes us. To have anyone….a village volunteer or a treasured hired helper…is more than so many of the Sandwiched get. I get it. But I know I don’t really get it, not everyone’s experience I don’t. We worked for all of camp and my husband couldn’t even tell what I had gotten done. But I saw it.

Back to find my youngest beaming and chattering about all the fun she had at camp and all of the great coaches and friends and I got a chance to be the village for 5 minutes hanging out with the child of my hairapist when she was 5 minutes behind and the high schooler camp helpers jetted as quickly as they could. It was a tiny privilege to stand with her daughter as they all stood around for me for 17 minutes the day before while I tried to get from one camp to another. Today my Super Mom-in-Law was previously scheduled to run kids to and from camp while I drove Mom to an outpatient appointment near the big hospital. That fell off the list as Mom was lifted into the hospital bed, but Super Mom-in-Law was still willing to pick up the oldest 3 from camp at the same exact time when I had to be there to pick up my youngest, gave her a packed lunch in the car, and drove her to the loving home of one of my Bestie Super Mamas who kept her all afternoon while I met with clients online and she then took my youngest to a rehearsal that her kiddos also participate in and we all ended the day this week as volunteers at an evening kids’ event (which thankfully includes dinner this week made by more parents from the village). Tomorrow she will drop off her crew and I will entertain, feed em, and mom lyft to rehearsal and then to the kiddo event. How do others who are Sandwiched manage if there is no village?

Couple clients canceled and I was able to make calls, answer emails, and manage to start a series of calls I had to make to secure Mom’s discharge from the large hospital tonight before two midnights had passed (future blog post about the two midnights and playing the Medicare game). The surgeons want her stronger before elective surgery and are not going to operate even though she is very uncomfortable because it’s not emergent again yet. She received the treatment she was going to get to stabilize her and was still being observed in a section of the ED so we could bring her home to continue on her liquid diet and await elective surgery before digging into more of her limited lifetime Medicare days. She is about out of inpatient Medicare days because she hasn’t been home for 60 straight days in almost 8 months. Some days were spent at the skilled nursing level of care (comes out of a different Medicare payment bucket) but most were in the inpatient hospital or at intensive rehab facilities (which count as being in an inpatient hospital). Because we left the kiddo event a little early and my in-laws brought the kids home in our vehicle so there were enough seats for our crew, and picked her up before the second midnight from the ED at the large hospital, she did not lose her 3 weeks she has put together at home. We do not have to start over again counting from the beginning. And we are jogging along toward that 60 day at home mark when many of her Medicare days re-up. What a system.

Settled Mom with Dad after a fairly smooth lap around another discharge, set off the load of wash I began loading into the washer yesterday and pulled up a chair to blog it out. Now maybe I’ll cut into the little sleep I rarely get enough of to watch a favorite show and feel like I am just me for a little while. Maybe someone who needs me will wake me up. Maybe I should fall right to sleep in case that happens. Maybe I don’t care because I want to watch my show a little bit because when running on the hamster wheel set to hot mess express while Sandwiched is a real trip and I can’t seem to Stop the Ride even though I want to get off.