June 12, 2025

Delegate?

While sandwiched it’s wise to ask for help if you can. Or to hire help if you can. Or to sometimes squeeze a little support out of those you are supporting. I haven’t had a lot of choices in this department for the big things. As an only child, unless my husband feels like stepping in (especially when it comes to medical advocacy for my parents) it’s me. No one to volley to. I am, however, blessed with medical professionals on both sides of my extended family and among friends who are only a text or call away and have been absolutely invaluable primarily from a distance. But basically when it comes to certain things, it absolutely is me and only me.

With the kids there are more takers. My in-laws have had them often and even my parents can and will still do what they can. Dad helps with some of the morning and afternoon routines and one incredibly significant help my Mom provides, even when she is not feeling great, is securing my daughter’s hair in whatever style has been assigned for her dance performance. Securing bobby pins in a style just right is not in my wheelhouse. Never before have I heard more about how I should hire people to do more for us. Um, that’s quite complicated when it’s just not affordable or when tough choices would have to be made in order to sub something out. There are some things that are tough to sacrifice, especially when we work as hard as we do, volunteer, care give. advocate, and taxi everyone around while bringing the fan club energy.

At the times when I cannot get help I keep going because it has to get done. I try to hydrate, caffeinate, increase protein, and give myself little breaks when it works. But it is honestly the case that sometimes So much is back to back and nothing is as expected and it’s just one thing after another without the opportunity for a break. In these trying times I am asking myself, “Does it have to be me?”

Sometimes it’s simply an annoying choice of whether or not we are going to miss out because I cannot be in multiple places at once and my husband is working or he is declining to help because it is not something he values (usually something fun with the kids that costs money). Other times we are all driving kids around at once, including my in-laws. And yet other times, I am driving 5 minutes home to catch up on work notes because three of my family members are already volunteering at the event we ran this week for kiddos and I have already done my part. The guilt sets in, questioning whether I should stay until the end, but it is all running like a well-oiled machine and I am able to step back and get something accomplished in a quiet house for a short time.

There are volunteer commitments I am seriously thinking of bowing out of because others can and they may not if I don’t step aside and leave it to them. There is so much I want to do but the sleep deprivation is catching up and I am not close to bringing my best to my family and loved ones when I am hanging by a thread. So often there is no rest for the weary, especially caregivers, but other times there are possible escapes, possibly ways to pass on something or pass something on.

If you can, hand it over to another willing supporter. If not, consider if it’s something that, if dropped, will not necessarily lead to significant long-term issues. Sometimes when you stop filling a need, someone else steps in that would not have.

And sometimes you just have to step away while everything’s ok. Close the laptop and go get some sleep. Turn around and exit in order to wrap up some work tasks. Take a couple of hours to go do anything you feel like doing while all is stable and everyone is occupied.

It’s fine until it’s not and when there is some flexibility in terms of who can take care of it, try not to have it be you again. Aiming for self-care is a whole other level of complicated, here we are aiming for some self-preservation by doing what is needed and ducking out when you were expected, but someone else can and will pick up the slack if you don’t.