July 1, 2025

You’re Worth More Than You Realize

Of course I’ve struggled with self-worth. Plenty. Something that comes up in every session with my therapist is one of my maladaptive core beliefs that is Not serving me, feeling like I am not Enough. I believe I was chosen to be my children’s mother and that I am just the right mother for them. My faith tells me that I don’t need to be Enough because God goes before me and has redeemed it all. And the women in my life (at least those who I continue to give the most access to me) remind me of my worth all the time. We do that for each other and it’s pretty critical for our sanity.

But this post is not about anyone’s self-worth. It’s about the role that I play in this family and the role that SO many caregiver-advocates (often women) play. Tonight at another sweet and long overdue extended family gathering, one of Steve’s aunts, who I know well, was chatting with me about a number of topics from family vacation planning/packing tips and tricks to what exactly I am doing for work right now. Well, sadly a campus where I work part time as a contracted counselor is going to be closing and there is a lot up-in-the-air about my options there, and my online job could give me more work, but I am so busy being all I can be for my loved ones who rely on me, I’m just not sure I want to bite off more than I choose to chew. She provided all the active listening and supportive reflection of any great therapy session and when I told her I was not sure if I had the time to commit to a full-time job, at least not one in-person at this time, because of everyone I am responsible for and the many needs going on here. I shared that if I could find a full-time job that I love that is at least partially remote so that I can attend loved one’s appointments with some flexibility, and pays enough so that I can pay someone to come take on some of what I do for everyone around here, then it could work. I then shared that my husband is always telling me that I will not find a job that pays enough to hire someone to do all that I do.

She responded with every bit of well-meaning intention and said, “Maybe you’re worth more than you realize.” And to be honest, she’s right, my unpaid efforts in serving my family would cost us an incredible amount if we had to pay others to take it on (and it would definitely take others, plural, because there is no way any one person is taking all of this on). And I do realize it and I have seen it studied, researched and written about before, how our society relies heavily on one individual or a couple of individuals to take on care for the elderly and to serve in supportive roles in an infinite number of ways. My parents barely gave any thought to what they would do when they got older and couldn’t do much anymore because my mom sacrificed so much to take care of my grandparents with her sister and my dad’s youngest siblings did a lot (with some help here and there from the older siblings) to serve and care for their dad before he passed away. My dad lost his mother when she was in her early 40s to Cancer while his siblings were young. They just assumed I would take on what was needed and I’m not necessarily saying it is wrong, per se, there is a lot of meaning, value, and purpose in the work, but I will say that it feels less than fair that it’s all not more of a team effort on the part of the family as a whole.

Steve’s aunt is an amazing, devoted wife and mother of 3 adult children who are all married and she’s an involved grandmother of 7. She was the youngest of 4 siblings who lived the closest, did not work outside of the home at the time, and ended up providing the most care, advocacy, and support to each of her parents as they aged. I know very few details, but my understanding is that she helped support and advocate for her in-laws as well. She has been there and done that, all of it and she is an incredible person. But I can’t help but wonder if there are ways to streamline it all and to not expect the sandwiched to carry every load, but instead to have more systems of support in place, more resources that help available, and fewer family members without a plan for the future that just expect the next generation to figure it out with them when the time comes. Can we do better? Let’s do better, we’re worth it.