July 14, 2025

In Order to Go Away

It’s worked out last summer and this summer that my husband and I have taken our four children on a trip for two weeks straight. We have other mini getaways here and there to much closer places maybe once a quarter and honestly most of the time those are just me with the kids for a night exploring a kid-friendly place.

In order to do that as a sandwiched primary support person it 100 percent takes a village. Now I admit I am still in a phase where I am extremely fortunate. Though I am an only child (so there is literally no one to which I can volley the parent ball that I have in the air) my parents were willing to move in with my family of 6 and our golden doodle 4 years ago. They moved about two hours away from the county Mom lived in her entire life and where Dad lived since they were married. We sold two houses and bought one that fits all of us together. So when we go away they just stay at the family home in their routine. And for now, Dad is still making their meals (though it’s pretty simple at the moment because Mom’s on a liquid diet awaiting surgery at the big hospital the day after we get back from this trip and many days he accepts our invitation to just join us in enjoying what I made or what my husband made). Dad is able to let our dog in and out to keep her in her routine, to get her food and water, and to give her her medicine. Mom is able to (and loves to) give the dog plenty of attention and brushes her while she sits obediently every day.

We have a list of phone numbers on the inside of a cabinet door for issues that may come up (plumber, electrician, HVAC, etc, along with some phone numbers for closest neighbors who are wonderful). But as wonderful as they are our neighbors are Understandably busy with their own lives, families, retirement traveling, personal health concerns, and the list goes on. Many have volunteered to help as needed and some definitely have helped with things here and there in the past, but our closer village includes our local close friends. So 7 different couples, my in-laws, and the woman who cleans for us are taking two days each “on call” for if something comes up. I rearranged all of Mom and Dad’s appointments (except one which is over telehealth and would be considered helpful, but not urgent) to make sure there is nothing going on during these two weeks out of their normal routine which includes Dad’s typical errands. Dear friends are taking care of some chores in our absence and the on-call friends agree to either 48 hours straight where they are the ones to call (after us of course!) if something arises (or a few people are taking two single days separated based on availability). Last year Mom and Dad did not have to call anyone except us. We are hopeful that it will remain this way.

We have been truly blessed by the ability to have home health come in on a temporary basis when needed and to utilize short term rehab facilities on a temporary basis for Mom. We have not yet had to privately hire respite caregivers, part-time caregivers, or full-time care-givers. I’ve talked to close friends and family members and the name of one agency keeps coming up as a trusted one, but I cringe every time I think about having to have strangers come into our home to provide help and care. I have already provided some direct care for Mom and I am not opposed to doing so again. But I know that as the only child I will not be able to provide that care around the clock. I imagine the first step will be respite support while my family vacations the next time, unless Mom is in a condition to travel with us which we have done sometimes in the past when renting a house or condo unit or cabin. I cannot imagine what the process of choosing a person or group of people to provide this care will look like and feel like. It’s almost enough to make me want to stay home.

But I enjoy getting away, I have young children and need to live their lives with them too, and my life does not feel complete without my work. I have sought and continue to seek the best possible balance, sustaining a juggling act for the record books. But as my therapist tells me, it’s not sustainable as it is. There will be changes that are out of my comfort zone. We will need more help, very likely before next summer’s longer travel. We will see how it all works out. Maybe next summer it will make sense to bring them along. Maybe it will prove possible to temporarily hire someone we know and trust to provide meal support, reassurance, and help with chores if we do not need direct care for Mom and Dad at that time.

Maybe it will work out better than I could have imagined. We will find a way to manage that we can make work out for the 8 of us and our favorite dog too.