Sandwiched Support

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  • July 1, 2025

    You’re Worth More Than You Realize

    Of course I’ve struggled with self-worth. Plenty. Something that comes up in every session with my therapist is one of my maladaptive core beliefs that is Not serving me, feeling like I am not Enough. I believe I was chosen to be my children’s mother and that I am just the right mother for them. My faith tells me that I don’t need to be Enough because God goes before me and has redeemed it all. And the women in my life (at least those who I continue to give the most access to me) remind me of my worth all the time. We do that for each other and it’s pretty critical for our sanity.

    But this post is not about anyone’s self-worth. It’s about the role that I play in this family and the role that SO many caregiver-advocates (often women) play. Tonight at another sweet and long overdue extended family gathering, one of Steve’s aunts, who I know well, was chatting with me about a number of topics from family vacation planning/packing tips and tricks to what exactly I am doing for work right now. Well, sadly a campus where I work part time as a contracted counselor is going to be closing and there is a lot up-in-the-air about my options there, and my online job could give me more work, but I am so busy being all I can be for my loved ones who rely on me, I’m just not sure I want to bite off more than I choose to chew. She provided all the active listening and supportive reflection of any great therapy session and when I told her I was not sure if I had the time to commit to a full-time job, at least not one in-person at this time, because of everyone I am responsible for and the many needs going on here. I shared that if I could find a full-time job that I love that is at least partially remote so that I can attend loved one’s appointments with some flexibility, and pays enough so that I can pay someone to come take on some of what I do for everyone around here, then it could work. I then shared that my husband is always telling me that I will not find a job that pays enough to hire someone to do all that I do.

    She responded with every bit of well-meaning intention and said, “Maybe you’re worth more than you realize.” And to be honest, she’s right, my unpaid efforts in serving my family would cost us an incredible amount if we had to pay others to take it on (and it would definitely take others, plural, because there is no way any one person is taking all of this on). And I do realize it and I have seen it studied, researched and written about before, how our society relies heavily on one individual or a couple of individuals to take on care for the elderly and to serve in supportive roles in an infinite number of ways. My parents barely gave any thought to what they would do when they got older and couldn’t do much anymore because my mom sacrificed so much to take care of my grandparents with her sister and my dad’s youngest siblings did a lot (with some help here and there from the older siblings) to serve and care for their dad before he passed away. My dad lost his mother when she was in her early 40s to Cancer while his siblings were young. They just assumed I would take on what was needed and I’m not necessarily saying it is wrong, per se, there is a lot of meaning, value, and purpose in the work, but I will say that it feels less than fair that it’s all not more of a team effort on the part of the family as a whole.

    Steve’s aunt is an amazing, devoted wife and mother of 3 adult children who are all married and she’s an involved grandmother of 7. She was the youngest of 4 siblings who lived the closest, did not work outside of the home at the time, and ended up providing the most care, advocacy, and support to each of her parents as they aged. I know very few details, but my understanding is that she helped support and advocate for her in-laws as well. She has been there and done that, all of it and she is an incredible person. But I can’t help but wonder if there are ways to streamline it all and to not expect the sandwiched to carry every load, but instead to have more systems of support in place, more resources that help available, and fewer family members without a plan for the future that just expect the next generation to figure it out with them when the time comes. Can we do better? Let’s do better, we’re worth it.

  • June 30, 2025

    It Takes a Miracle

    When sandwiched, it tends to take a miracle to get a day off and forget about a date night or getaway weekend with the one you love without moving heaven and earth. If you have kids and aging parents, I’m sure you know.

    If your relationship can withstand the stress of raising kids and advocating for parents all at once, then you’re both likely putting in a lot of effort to be intentional about the things that matter. That is not easy and it is not automatic. If it feels like it is, you’re probably not truly in the thick of it with your kids and parents all at once or you’re the exception.

    There’s plenty of research about relationships out there and I honestly have not had the time to look up what is out the on relationships while sandwiched, but I will say that I am thankful that I am about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and 26 years together overall and not trying to navigate the dating world right now with everything else I have going on.

    But even on a night when my in-laws have the kids with their cousins, we were cleaning up from an extended family gathering and my husband decided it was too late to watch the movie we were planning to watch because he had to work the next day and I had to spend 8 hours with his sister and family in town as we only get to see them twice a year and our kids were ready for some quality cousin time with parents and grandparents. So, in fairness, we were too tired for much. And it was worth it; we’d hosted an epic gathering with many local members of both sides of my husband’s extended family at our generous neighbor’s backyard pool and seeing the kids playing together in bliss, dozens of second cousins who rarely see each other, instantly friends again. Totally worth it. But often there isn’t time, there isn’t energy, and there isn’t much for the kids to do in our absence.

    Sometimes we let screens save the date while our 15 and almost 13 year old put on the movie and watch with the youngest two and we hope for the best with my parents while we escape to our room or, very very rarely (we’re talking once a quarter if that) escape to a restaurant or a movie very close by. Other times we swap dropping off our kids with others while we take their kids another time. My husband’s work took us away as a couple to a sales meeting two years in a row and both dear friends and my in-laws helped, but the packing, the labeling, the lists, and the swapping is all part of it. There are joys in some of it and my mom-in-law and mom friends do Everything possible to make things easier, but it’s just not.

    We spent over an hour today talking about plans for Thursday for our 20th anniversary that wasn’t yet planned. My husband named a special restaurant important to us in the past that had crossed my mind and we were both happy he made the reservation. And we realized our youngest has a birthday party she can attend while we are out and my parents are around for major emergencies, our neighbors are amazing if the worst comes up, and between my 15 year old and almost 13 year old we have a semblance of one pretty active babysitter who can get us through. But we asked a lot of questions about timing, about planning dinner for them ahead, quite frankly about managing our expectations in general.

    We’ll likely get out to dinner, but my husband took off the whole day to consider spending it together and we realized we have swimming lessons to run to, we cannot think of much to do locally during a day out on a Thursday, so the planning continues and tends to feel less fun with every extra planning conversation and effort required.

    I like to tell young parents expecting their first child, “Leave the house at random times carrying as little as possible as often as you can right now, just because you can.” I should also urge them to seize those spontaneous dates while they still can. We may spontaneously date again in retirement, but I don’t imagine it will be the same. Comedies at home are a favorite of ours to laugh together and break the ice of an era that threatens to consume us or maybe already has. There are certainly bright spots of course, but we know all too well that it’s complicated. Not much is just us right now. We would not ultimately trade the ones we love to streamline it, but yet we also sometimes wish we were like the few couples that find a way to make each other a true priority. But there are honestly times where there isn’t time.

  • June 27, 2025

    Fun Fact about the Founder and Family

    I double-majored in Psychology and English and have Bachelor’s Degrees in both. I enjoy writing, but these days I don’t make time to edit as it seems my sandwiched state is always calling. I have a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and work as a licensed mental health professional with a contract at certain times of the year to see clients in person part-time and part-time employment providing online therapy. This blog is about my personal life and my personal experiences and it should not be considered professional counseling advice as reading this does not make the reader a client. However, like many other things about myself, my profession is a significant part of my life and my perspective. I do not seek full-time work, though I have worked full-time in the field in the past, as I haven’t found a way to successfully make it work while sandwiched in the way that I currently am. My husband’s degree is in mechanical engineering and he is in engineering management. His role is full-time and we chose together to have four children and we are fortunate at this time to be able to budget and to make sacrifices that allow part-time on my part to be enough. We are also blessed with a village who shares with us and we share with them. Some are both extended family members and also friends, some are friends, some are amazing community members.

    Mom worked as a teacher at a junior high school before she took very early retirement and was able to stay home from teaching after 10 years in to raise me full-time. She taught Home Economics and was incredible at cooking, baking, and especially sewing. She made most of her own clothes while in college, majoring in Home Economics Education, and had one professor who almost lowered her grade because she thought her hand-stitching was done by machine, until her friends and roommates vouched for her. It was all done by hand on that beautiful coat. When I was in elementary school she patented her own bedsheets and she sold many sets, even appearing on QVC and making many sales. I remember having many mixed feelings about Mom going back to work, but was So very proud of her. There is much more to that story for another day. Mom has a Master’s in Education from a prestigious university, as does my Dad.

    Dad worked as an English teacher, then an assistant principal, and then a high school principal for many years. He then trained student teachers as an Adjunct Faculty Member at a private university for years before he retired. Many students requested him at the university level and he successfully trained many future educators. He also taught a night class for those getting their degrees in education while working full-time jobs during the day. He has the most awards of all of us here at home.

    We are very proud of the privilege we have had to be educated at the collegiate level. Each one of us has had the privilege of making a difference in others’ lives and credit for that is certainly owed in large part to the education we received. However, we have learned that when vulnerabilities arise, our support comes from one another as a family and we see many ways that we are truly better together. And we have also learned that while education can scaffold advocacy, it cannot prevent human vulnerability in stress, aging, health concerns, and beyond. We may be educated, but we are still vulnerable. We may be educated, but we are still serving one another at times in menial ways. On some days, with the right perspective, that is a great honor. On other days it quite simply feels below the pay grade and can be unexpected and uncomfortable at best, demeaning and at times traumatic at worst.

    As educated individuals we urge you to have conversations and plan early and often for the more challenging years. Nothing can quite prepare you and you cannot plan for everything, but you can use these posts as a jumping off point for conversations about what if, what then, and how will you support one another while finding support for your sandwiched self. May every advocate, caregiver, sandwiched superstar find their way to their own therapist or support person of your choice who is helpful for you. I am a biased fan of the educated, experienced professional, but finding a good fit is important. I am proud to be a therapist who has a therapist and am a firm believer that every mental health provider should participate in therapy at least for a period of time in their own lives. Mental health is health.

  • June 26, 2025

    Drive This

    I drive a big SUV. It’s old, but it can haul all of my kids and more, lots of our stuff, and I am not worried about dragging it through all kinds of conditions or about all kinds of conditions inside.

    Dad and my husband have SUVs as well, just slightly smaller ones.

    Mom has a tiny car and it’s the one she can get into with her bone on bone knees. It’s very painful and almost impossible for her to get into our SUVs so I drive the tiny car to all of her appointments both locally and 45 minutes away at the big hospital. When my husband drove it a couple of weeks ago to pick her up from the hospital he said it drives better than expected. And out on the open highway it does get going.

    But it’s an interesting transition to hop in the tiny car that vibrates while I grip the steering wheel for dear life as it noisily struggles to get up and go. Another first world problem, but, while sandwiched, you may find yourself driving all manner of vehicles you did not choose or expect to be driving to make all the things happen for the ones you are responsible for.

    My husband has driven a moving truck in the past when we needed him to and even backed it into my parents’ mini van long ago. He promised he would never own a mini van (and hasn’t yet), but he will be driving a rented one on our upcoming vacation due to an availability issue with the SUV we wanted as we cannot pick an SUV up in one place and drop it off many miles away where we would like it to. But a mini van, yep, that’s available for that. I was terrified to drive the first big SUV that we bought because my husband was/is anti-minivan and came to love it.

    However, with Mom’s car I have a hate/hate relationship. I am thankful we have something she can get into (silver lining), but that thing locks automatically constantly, it is not a comfortable drive, and it feels like I am the most vulnerable of all while trying to merge (though I will admit it’s a little easier to zip into traffic and into tight parking spaces). There’s no back up sensors and the airbag light is constantly on. And every time I hand the keys to the valet at the big hospital I cringe and refuse to look as they try to adjust the seat to find their way in.

    One day I will only see it in the rearview mirror of my memory and hope I can laugh about it then. And an even greater hope is that the huge SUV keeps humming until we reach the stage of fewer crumbs on the seats and until we have graduated from car seats and sticky floors.

  • June 25, 2025

    “I’m not doing what you did for your parents”

    As my oldest, age 15, of course lives here full-time and has witnessed all manner of unpleasantness hitting the fan over the years with me (his mom) as an only child advocating for her parents’ medical needs, we have had a number of conversations about his plans for taking care of my husband and I as we age and become more vulnerable. Stay tuned for more on this as I interview my other 3 children.

    As of now, my in-laws have said they want to stay in their home for as long as humanly possible (and despite past health scares they are in their 60s and going strong in their new home on their farm) and then they say they want to be put in a nursing home and as far as I know that is what my husband and sister-in-law have planned. She lives in another state and won’t be able to provide much direct support unless they would move near her and my husband is not overflowing with extra empathy. We definitely will see what their needs are and how it all goes.

    But back to my 15 year old. In the past he has told me that he plans to get me a tiny house on his property where he pays a highly skilled caregiver to take care of me and visits often to check to make sure I am taken care of. I have expressed gratitude, but noted that this is likely an expensive choice and encouraged him to start with a schedule of rotating support from himself and his 3 siblings while his dad and I have more minimal needs and, simply, before more is needed. He admits he will likely have it easier than I do as an only child, but expressed that he plans to work hard for a strong salary and to provide that way. We will certainly be grateful if that happens, but it’s, at minimum, interesting to see him already verbalizing some boundaries around what he does and does not want to be part of. Hopeful that he practices some flexible thinking when it comes to this topic if we have more needs than expected and if, heaven forbid, the money to pay for our care ends up just not being there. Staying hopeful that between the 4 of them we will have a better experience than many? Still getting a sense of nausea when I think about the people who go through ongoing medical issues without a solid support system. What must that be like? May we find a way to advocate for them that truly works!

    So this morning Mr. 15 said “Yeah I’m not gonna be doing all that that you do for your parents” as I took the time to give him some tips for how to talk to adults at businesses that may hire him to work for them. I also encouraged him to write down the name and job title of the person he spoke to on the phone who said they would have the hiring manager call him because they often do not follow through. I also encouraged him to write down (or put in his phone) the date and time of his calls to each business and what they said so he knows how many times he has followed up and can communicate that to them as needed or can just know for himself when to move on from devoting his time, effort, and energy to communicating with a given business. I also said to him that when he is acting as one of my super medical advocates one day he should write down who he talked to, when, what time, and for whom they work and in what role. And his reply is, “I’m not doin’ all that.”

    I always hope I am planting seeds and that his 25 year old self is more open to considering these tips, that his 35 year old self puts some of them into practice, and that his 45 year old self is ready to be in my corner, along with his siblings (who I am trying to raise in this way as well) of course.

    Sometimes I wonder how concerned I should be. But thankfully my sandwiched state is currently serving up plenty more to think about instead.

  • June 24, 2025

    Focus on the Kids

    A friend of mine with 9 amazing children is also sandwiched as her mom-in-law’s needs ebb and flow, and she said the other day that at some point we need to shift focus to the kids. That is resonating with me quite a bit right now as I have my four kiddos home for the summer and Mom, taking it day by day on her liquid diet, is currently half way to the 60 days she needs for her Medicare benefits to re-up. She’s framing beautiful baby pics of her only grands and our house cleaner (who is also an organizational extraordinaire) is hanging them for her all over the suite she shares with my dad. There have been bright spots om the last couple of weeks and it almost seems like the calm before the storm, but I haven’t been focusing in on her as much as my dad is heating the incessant soups and popping straws into the protein drinks and carrying the trays to their room. Home health PT continues to come work with her to help her get stronger and mobile lab is coming by to draw the blood needed to monitor when Mom becomes nutritionally sound for surgery. Just chugging along at the moment.

    The kids are home 24/7 for summer break other than the few partial day camps we can afford. We are deeply blessed by getting to use the pool of someone we know and we are doing hikes (walks with clues at area parks and trails) organized by our library system where we look for posts and do rubbings on a sheet that holds 30 of them. The kids whine a bit, but it’s an activity similar to geocaching that is very much for all ages. We adventure together and I am soaking up the sun with them even on the hottest days or refereeing indoors while I try to work. I am apologizing for the distant background noise on client calls and rushing the dog back in the house ASAP because she needs her summer cut and we are on the waiting list.

    Sometimes you need to focus on the kids…sometimes you need to focus on the dog….sometimes you just hope to find a way to settle into a routine with the top bread remaining stable while you’re responsible for the bottom bread all day, every day. Sometimes you find a little bit of rhythm, a tiny bit of routine, and some sweet spontaneous summer adventures while you’re waiting for other needs and demands on your time to increase, to return.

    Today I focused on the kids and a little work. Tomorrow I take both parents to the neurologist for that yearly check in. Sometimes the kids are safe, but they take a backseat. And all the time right now, we’re in the middle.

  • June 23, 2025

    There’s a meme online that goes like this “1 kid is 1 kid. 2 kids are 5 kids. 3 kids are 9473837 kids, 8 hurricanes, & a donkey.”

    We have 4 kids and many of our friends have 3 kids or more. The quote is truly relatable.

    But on most days, give me someone else’s kids (who know me) to add to my crew, Please, especially during the summer or during any extended break from school. If the children are potty-trained and for the most part eat independently, I’m not doing you a favor, you are doing ME a favor by placing them with my kids and keeping them from fighting with each other. It doesn’t stop the fighting completely, and some of our friends’ kids are also second cousins and/or very familiar to us and so our kids will sometimes argue with them too. But for the most part, someone else’s 1 kid means 1 or more of my kids are happier. Someone else’s 2 kids make 5 kids feel like 2 kids. And someone else’s 3 or more kids bring the very Best kind of party, especially when everyone has a buddy close in age or with similar interests or both!!

    I’ve spent lots of time and energy in the last couple of weeks trying to get friends over with my kids. It’s another job I take on. I also sign them up for the camps I can afford and we organize opportunities for them to connect with other kids, but during these long days with all 4 of them and trying to work part time while managing all things related to my parents’ medical care and most things in the home, I quickly realize that I need to just factor into my day time to drive around and pick up everyone’s kids (with their parents’ permission!). And we booked two weeks away for our family of 6 in July this year….wonder how many kids it will feel like we have then!

  • June 20, 2025

    Fun Fact about the Founder and Family

    Though I’m an only child, mom has one sibling, an older sister by only 15 months. She is quite often there for us in many ways and her kids felt like older siblings while I was growing up. Dad has 6 siblings, all younger than he, 4 still living and the living aunts are the lifeblood of the family, arranging the remaining gatherings and stepping up in many ways to provide encouragement and to handle quite a bit. In Dad’s family two of his sisters were nurses and a brother was a pharmacist. Those in my family that work or have worked in the medical field make me believe in and hope for the excellence that could be; and they help me to know that that excellence does exist when systems that work meet effort on the part of the individual serving or treating the patient or training and working with the family.

    My in-laws are blessed with 3 siblings each and though all branches of our family have experienced losses, both my father-in-law and mother-in-law still have all 3 siblings each. I appreciated seeing big families on both sides in my husband’s life when I met him and married him and though nothing is perfect we have all been blessed by having the privilege to know and spend time with so many family members.

    There have been some reunions with some of the families over the years and I love to be part of them. However, I see how much time, energy, and effort goes into hosting and bringing everyone together so it’s rarely possible. But yet the time together is sweet and truly life-giving when it happens.

    A good friend of mine is sandwiched right now and if I told you how many of her own incredible children she and her husband are raising in 2025 you might not believe me. But she is caring for her mother-in-law while mothering her own children and pretty recently cared for her father-in-law as well in the most selfless manner. We were chatting this week about a few of the latest challenges for each of us and I mentioned that it must be very challenging for her and her husband to care for their own home while also caring for her mother-in-law’s home nearby and just acknowledging that I see how much they have taken on with such a willingness to serve and show compassion and to show their kids what it looks like to serve family. I mentioned that I am very grateful that my parents were willing to move in with our family and combine our homes into one home. It makes it far easier to manage one home and to provide care and transportation to appointments and meals and interact with home health from one home base. And I am certainly grateful that heading back to bed in my own home is only steps away from where I run to if they need me. My friend and I talked about how much easier it is to do this because I am an only child and there are no other children, children-in-law, or grandchildren for my parents to consider, to host, to allow a seat at the decision-making table. While the advocating alone is tough, not to mention managing the phone calls and appointments and medications and diet specifications and more, it’s a bit of a blessing in disguise that I don’t have to involve anyone else as we might not be on the same page and that could certainly add another layer of challenges.

  • June 19, 2025

    Compassion Fatigue

    This reality will certainly warrant a number of posts to do it justice, but I wanted to acknowledge hearing some compassion fatigue from some of the medical professionals we have interacted with lately. I know it’s epidemic at this point due to so very many relevant factors and that everyone must have heard of it by now. However, I am wondering if we are seeking to find adequate solutions.

    So I have experienced Compassion Fatigue at times in my work as well as in my personal life as a sandwiched adult with both the top and bottom bread in the same household with me. And I heard it last week in the voice of the case worker in charge of the ED at the big hospital when I called upon her to assist me with getting Mom discharged from the ED before we reached the second midnight.

    For me personally as the daughter of a patient who has been in and out of the hospital every few weeks or less starting exactly 8 months ago today, it’s been, and continues to be quite the journey. Last week when I realized we could pick Mom up while she was still under the care of the ED in time for her not to lose the 3 weeks she put together at home (now she has 4!) I was making some pretty passionate phone calls advocating for this to happen. I was calling from a noisy place and ended up in tears while explaining everything to the ED’s case worker after already explaining it all to the Utilization Review Specialist and the bedside nurse. I just began to cry from a place of overwhelm and from that place of daring to hope while also managing those expectations. The case worker sounded cold and matter-of-fact. She helped, but it felt very clear to me that she had heard too many crocodile tears in her time and did not hear mine as any different.

    Today I was chatting with someone who is a close friend of mine who is a provider who worked many years ago in an ED far away from here. This person still works in the medical field, but the day to day is very different these days. And this friend shared that there probably are more genuine individuals such as myself who really have been through a lot with their loved ones and truly do need more empathy than we are getting. However, this individual shared something said frequently in the past during a time when there was quite a bit of med-seeking, exaggerated symptoms, and other manipulation on the part of patients in this person’s work life, coming into that ED back then. “I must have left my compassion at home on the kitchen table.” And before anyone judges this individual who is an excellent provider and has a lot of compassion for true needs, I put this here as something for us to think about. I have challenged providers who have not taken care to do their jobs well. I have elevated some concerns to supervisors during these last 8 months and I continue to do so because all of the patients, especially those who have no one to advocate for them deserve ongoing improvements to their care. But I want us all to take some time to think about what medical staff deal with each day and how those experiences accumulate and pile on and can lead to Burnout and to Compassion Fatigue.

    May it become easier and easier and more and more affordable for those caring for others to get the support they need from mental healthcare to respite care to case workers who explain important concepts to patients and families effectively. When life gives them lemons, may they be able to cry into something other than the hospital tissues and find a way to recharge so that they may continue to provide the level of care and compassion that their jobs require. And may we as the caregivers and advocates recharge effectively as well.

  • June 18, 2025

    Who Am I Speaking With?

    Today’s advice is to write down the first and last name (or at least the last name) and title of the medical professional you are speaking with by phone, in person, or on speaker through the cell phone of your loved one who gets you on the phone just in time before the provider leaves the hospital room (something we learned to do often over these last nearly 8 months). You never know when you will need to contact that individual again, share their name with someone else, or report something that happened. These days I am grateful the notes I’ve kept are good. but I wish I had documented more, especially the names and titles of the various individuals who have communicated information to us along the way.

    A sort of outpatient RN case manager from the small hospital system, who has been wonderful, called to follow up again today for the last time, but assured me that I can call her back if Mom needs something. She has been great, but I’m still unclear on how we got her managing things, encouraging me by phone, and determining what Mom needs in terms of case management these days. When I asked her upon first speaking with her (or maybe it was our second call) what her title is she said something about that being complicated. She has been relatable and warm and the helpful advocate for the patient (Mom) and caregiver (myself) that I wish we would have had from the beginning, and yet I feel a little strange about how supportive she was because her warmth and support led me to forget to keep asking her title. Maybe I’ll ask if I end up needing to call back. Why do I need to know? I don’t, but I am curious why we get this nurse following up closely and being so accommodating. I wonder what other patients get and what qualifies a patient for the helpful follow-up and from whom?