Sandwiched Support

Category: Uncategorized

  • It’s fine, I’m fine, Everything is fine

    Sandwich Generation life took over over the holidays between all 8 of us getting the flu over our Christmas break and New Year’s, one after another after another. Thankfully we had our vaccinations but it was still yucky and ugly. I told myself I was going to be able to do this blog daily. Then I told myself I was going to be able to catch up all of the daily posts I missed starting in October and add photos and then starting with making the Trick or Treat magic for the neighborhood with an amazing fellow neighborhood mom and then getting everything ready for the holiday season this fell off the list. But isn’t that just the epitome of Sandwich Generation life. I am hoping to shift to once weekly consistently now in 2026 starting with today.

    Thrilled that Mom’s first knee replacement surgery is February 2nd but we still had to not only go to a surgery scheduling appointment with the surgeon’s PA to choose which knee to start with and discuss the surgery, but also had to have a Clear for Surgery appointment with the PCP, and another one with the Cardiologist. And as if that weren’t enough an NP at the surgeon’s office had to see Mom a month prior to surgery to clear her when we were just at the PCP three days before that and at the cardiologist 3 days before the PCP. Simply cannot help but think that there are too many cooks in the clearance kitchen and everyone wants a piece of the billing pie. She’s high risk in certain ways, but that last checkup with the NP when she had just seen her PCP took the overkill cake for me. I am the Sandwiched accompanying uber driver and appointment advocate and when I can’t schedule my own clients I don’t get paid. But yeah, let’s have an NP take up our time checking on Mom when a physician plus a specialist’s office just checked her within the past week.

    One of my awesome bosses gifted me some dumpster fire socks and I am still looking forward to finding a time to put my feet up so the sock bottoms can be read by others “It’s Fine, I’m Fine, Everything is Fine.”

  • October 9, 2025

    Tis the Season

    When Mom entered the hospital a year ago for emergent surgery (which led to nearly a year of complications at the little hospital before a seemingly successful surgery in September has provided significant relief and hopefully has solved the problem) I lost what little control I was getting of our already cluttered new-to-us home. When my parents sold their home and we sold ours 4 years ago and moved into one house I almost single-handedly cleared years of clutter (things Mom hoped to use again) out of my parents’ home. But then as we combined what we kept we realized we did not quite purge enough stuff along the way and 4 years later after a year of almost constant advocating for better care for Mom, there is a serious clutter explosion lining the sides of one basement room, piled in a basement storage room, covering the one side of our bedroom, choking our dining room, and don’t ask about the attic and one section of the garage. I use A Lot of the stuff but rarely have a minute to put it away rather than putting it down.

    So now we’ve entered the season of celebrating it all! We are counting our blessings and almost ALL of this holiday themed cheer from Halloween to Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year’s, but honestly I am already exhausted from the trunk or treat I organized and moving through crowds at the Halloween Parade and there’s work and youth sports and plenty of ongoing outpatient appointments for both of my parents. So far I have two little Halloween signs set out around the mess and a Falk wreath on the door. I tend to go ALL OUT and love to, but these days it’s like I just don’t have the bandwidth.

    We just got our pumpkins out by the front door next to the doormat that says “Sunshine Vibes”. Maybe I’ll get the “Trick or Treat“ mat out by Friday, maybe not. But I do know that I have to clean up the dining room before the end of November (trust me there is very little margin to get this done and it will happen at the sacrifice of plenty of my sleep) and the Christmas shopping already began after Christmas last year because I’ll nearly single handedly be bringing all of the magic like I do every year. And I wouldn’t mind if that was all there was to do but, that’s the furthest thing from the case.

  • October 8, 2025

    The Why

    I have been talking with clients, particularly my college student clients who are questioning their life choices when midterms hit, about their “Why”. For them I point to my degrees and licenses on the wall of my office and tell them that I have been where they are and that though they must lock in now and grind it out when it’s difficult, if I did it, so can they.

    I have been struggling with it all. The mental load of this sandwiched situation, the inadequate support, the significant need for advocacy on my part to fill significant gaps in systems that I seem to pay quite a bit into in taxes and the insurance payments are astounding. It still makes me weak in the knees when I think of all who are doing this with fewer resources than I have and I try not to verbally express frustration when some more privileged than we are mention paying out of pocket for resources that we will likely never be able to afford.

    But as I sit in this idyllic setting where our children are privileged to play soccer on a beautifully manicured field surrounded by brilliant fall colors and scenic farmland. And as I watch my healthy daughter run freely with the ball it is the ideal moment to practice gratitude for the health most of our household is experiencing now and the strides we have made. I am grateful for the medical care we do have available, even as I want to challenge us to be provide better. I am grateful that my children have a wonderful school district in an amazing community and that we can raise them in a healthy place where a variety of activities are available for their enjoyment and enrichment. And when I remember that everything I do is for family and that my children are thriving it reminds me Why I work this hard burning the candle at both ends.

    I truly care about my parents and about my children and my family as a whole and doing everything I can to give them the best life possible as far as it depends on the choices I make. I received this text from a dear friend who I respect very much. The whole text made my day, this part in particular:

    “You are a warrior and take such good care of your family. Remember to take care of yourself too.”

    As I walk this long winding road in this season of life and step up as a warrior for the cause of my family each day, I haven’t yet found the best way to also take care of myself. Yet is one of my favorite words though, I know I can and will learn at some point. But for now I am focusing on the “Why” for getting up early and getting to bed late so that I can keep it all going in this season for those who count on me. They matter so much to me and they are my Why.

  • October 7, 2025

    Underdosed

    If you have read previous posts you will know that my husband and I have had different but a little similar (weird joint pain but mine was in my back, his in his feet and knuckles) following our dog being sick with inflamed joints. Our dog was treated with a specific antibiotic and is doing well. Her Lyme’s test came back negative and so did that test for both of us. However we have been told that Lyme’s is one where there are many false negatives. I felt better right away when I was given the same antibiotics.

    But my husband actually got that antibiotic first. When he went to the regular urgent care at the small hospital system before I did he was told by the provider who saw him that he had a choice, he could get a Lyme’s test or he could just try the antibiotic that our dog had that he was asking about. He chose to take the antibiotic and he started to feel a little better much before I did. The issue, however, is this. He was only given 10 days of that antibiotic where a standard course treatment is 28 days. He then followed up with the the PCP we both have and she thinks it’s a virus and won’t give him more antibiotics and for weeks he is still experiencing symptoms and the symptoms are still with him. And one of those symptoms is that one of his feet hurts even more than the other one and he can barely stand on it. Not so helpful with a full-time job managing others and a busy life with 4 kids, aging parents and in-laws and a wife who is often asking him not to quit on her and to bear some of the load.

    It feels very much like we are not getting the best guidance and the best treatment in an efficient manner. And it also seems like our particular PCP does not know what it takes for us to hold up the life we have built and what truly is sometimes in many ways the life we didn’t know we were choosing at the time. So many unknowns, so much unpredictable timing. I don’t know for sure, but I don’t believe she has 4 children at our children’s ages, aging parents who live with her, and I know she does not have a job without sick time. I want to feel that she understands that my husband and I want to be (and a number of important people need us to be) better Sooner or at minimum More Smoothly and with less stress and More of a Sense that our PCP cares about us as individuals and about our family’s needs and circumstances. All of it is part of the whole picture for one’s patient.

  • October 6, 2025

    Something’s Gotta Give

    When sandwiched Mom/Adult Daughter is not feeling well, work (as a contractor at one job and a part-time employee at the other there is NO paid sick time, NO paid vacation time, and there are NO benefits so if I don’t show up and work I don’t get paid AT ALL) doesn’t stop, the kids’ needs don’t stop, the parents’ needs don’t stop, and the mess waiting for me doesn’t stop a bit either. So we, the sandwiched primary parents who are also only children of the aging (or whatever the situation is for you) rarely find a break. And something has to give and it’s been this blog. Playing catch up right now, but it might turn into once weekly posting if I fall too far behind. There are “life hacks” that cost me money, but they’re worth it. I have someone cleaning a portion of my house each week for 4 hours a week, I pay for grocery delivery from a chain store and a big box retailer, and plenty of packages with everything from toiletries to household goods to pharmacy health-related items to the gift I need for the weekend land by my front door. Then I hit up consignment sales and stores for all things pre-owned in the toy, clothing, shoe, and home decor categories to save money while living as well as we can. We like the name brand things too, but we typically live with them used and then sell them to consignment when all kiddos have grown out of them or we donate at various places. I rarely get to schedule my own appointments with my “hairapist” and my own therapist and time to connect with friends is becoming more and more rare unless that friend happens to be at a community activity that involves one of my children or something with our church where we are participating or volunteering. If I will already be there showing up where we are already committed on the calendar, we might get to chat. My texting thumbs are incredibly speedy and I am blogging on my phone with them while at my son’s soccer practice after zipping over here from my daughter’s parent/teacher conference which I raced to after hurrying home from work and stopping quickly in my driveway to pick up two of my sons (one to go to soccer practice and the older one to be his chaperone while my husband and I were at our daughter’s conference). And I had to pick up my sons because I let something (heaven-forbid) drop from my mental load and forgot to ask my mom-in-law to cover soccer. So I had to cover it. I promise my husband wasn’t volunteering to ask his mom for help or to help get my son to soccer. He did however tell me I would be cutting it close, which I was, arrived 3 minutes before conference time and got upstairs in the school to the classroom just in time. Thankfully the teacher had stepped out for a bathroom break so us showing up in the nick of time was beautifully anticlimactic. I got it all done again, while recovering from what I still don’t know and finishing up my period and another day I will tell you about ALL the kin-keeping I was doing at the same time plus all of the regular Mom of 4 and busy Adult daughter of two live-in aging parent stuff. Is this really all meant to be one WOMAN’s job?

  • October 4, 2025

    Resting on the move

    On Saturday, the day the post is dated for, I kept plans with two close friends from practically forever who I don’t see often enough and live a couple of hours from. In some ways I didn’t feel well enough to go, but we each brought along our youngest (all daughters) to meet about halfway between us and spend the day at a place that is a well-oiled machine for kids to have a BLAST and parents to (mostly) relax and enjoy in an outdoor activity farm setting.

    I had had my symptoms for like 2 1/2 weeks by then and it didn’t appear that I had gotten anyone else sick and also I had been on antibiotics since that Wednesday morning and steroids for a lot longer and things seemed somewhat better.

    I decided to go while not super well because I was on the high dose steroid and getting into the thick of the antibiotics then and during the days I was on my feet or sitting in a chair or car doing everything I normally do (because no one is filling in for me as a woman in the thick of the sandwich generation season of life). I mean I was avoiding lifting bins or anything heavier housework- wise and then later in the evening I was getting to bed earlier.

    But having my two youngest kids home on a Saturday together without any help to entertain them is not at all restful so I think the best idea was to go to a super fun place with just my daughter to meet friends and play and to have chatting therapy with my friends.

    It turned out to be the best plan! One of my friends is battling an ongoing challenging health issue and we all enjoyed moseying, sitting, rocking, and finding shade while the kids enjoyed unlimited admission bracelet fun for 6 straight hours. They were happy and in sight and we got to just breathe and catch up.

    In this stage of life for all of us there are many (different but similar) very real reasons why we might not have been able to reschedule anytime soon. Talking with your people about similar life challenges is truly a light in what can feel like a very dark and heavy time.

    If you’re on your feet at home it can help to take at least one kiddo and go where there’s fun, where there’s amazing people you miss often, and where you can mostly sit where you are not feeling the piles of laundry staring at you.

  • October 2, 2025

    A Week Later

    Well it’s a week later than this but I really have been just sick and tired and sometimes things just fall off the list. This week that was the blog. I still would like to have a post per at least most days for the rest of this calendar year so I would say what I think I was going to say last Wednesday. After being at work all day Tuesday the steroids just weren’t doing enough and there was so much pressure (fluid? Swelling? What was it?) in my lower back that I thought something was going to burst out of it so the evening of Tuesday 9/30 I walked into an orthopedic urgent care and was treated by a compassionate PA-C who listened, ordered an xray which didn’t show anything (was wondering at that point if sleeping wrong could have led to a disc being out of place? No one as of yet could tell me what was going on) and then ordered the antibiotics that they would order if it were Lyme’s. She said she has known cases where fluid build up (in a knee for instance) is removed and tests positive for Lyme’s Disease and then the blood test is negative.

    Days later the blood test for Lyme’s Disease for my husband and myself was negative and it had been for our dog as well. We felt a little crazy asking, but we wondered if our (different) joint symptoms were caused by whatever tick-borne disease caused our dog’s symptoms or if there is another bacterial infection or virus that could be shared from the dog to us. Did ticks with the same illness bite the 3 of us? Did the kids also have whatever it was and they remained asymptomatic? We still don’t know.

    But what I do know is that at a time when I was telling the nurse that my symptoms has worsened and not only did I have pressure in my back but pain up under my left ribs and I was in a pretty big hurry to get to the bathroom when I had to go at this point, this PA-C listened and helped.

    Over a week later it might be the steroids, it might be time, but it might be the antibiotics and I am definitely feeling an improvement in symptoms. I wonder if the improvement will last.

  • October 01, 2025

    I Blame Her a Little Bit and Also I Blame Myself

    Blame is not really the way to go I guess but late morning Monday after I saw the CRNP at my PCP’s office, one of my best friends who is a PA asked me to describe my symptoms to her and I explained the back pain and the pain up under my left side and she said right away that the CRNP should have gotten a urine, maybe it’s the kidneys. The CRNP ordered the Lyme’s test that I requested because of what’s been going on with our dog and my husband and weird symptoms and wanting to rule out Lyme’s and potentially other tick born illnesses. But she said if it was anything other than Lyme’s I would be too sick to be in her office. She didn’t order the infection/inflammation marker panels because I went on the steroid Friday from the urgent care provider.

    Having gone through everything I have gone through as my mom’s hospital advocate I should have remembered that the steroids mess up the bloodwork, sometimes falsely raising WBC count or raising it higher than it would be. And then the CRNP informed me that it would be a month before the steroids being in there wouldn’t affect the infection markers.

    She had a student there and kept repeating the phrase “common things happen commonly” as I expressed that I have no idea what’s going on with me and wondered about Mono or Meningitis which I learned does not have the potential to be airborne from the college students in my office. She told me to finish the steroid and to get the limited bloodwork she sent to the lab and she did not add a urine.

    I did message her and ask her for one and she added the urine, but I had already been to the lab Monday and didn’t message her until late Monday or early Tuesday and didn’t go get it until this morning with my other lab orders after I saw the third provider last evening.

    More on that tomorrow. It really is tough to know which place to seek medical attention on our community first when it comes to certain symptoms. On one hand I am thankful we have an Urgent Care so when it’s bad but it’s not feeling emergent and the PCP has no appointments available there’s a place to go, but they seem to not want to order bloodwork or scans because they don’t want to be following up with you. And then your PCP has helper providers that don’t always know you and honestly you don’t see your PCP enough for them to know you either. And they don’t seem to want to jump to getting bloodwork or tests to find things out either.

    Very thankful for provider number 3 who I sought out at our local orthopedic urgent care and she was very attentive and ordered many things that have brought the diagnostic process along a bit. More tomorrow.

  • September 30, 2025

    Going Through the Process

    Couldn’t tell you exactly what the rules are for managed care payments and I’m sure there are good reasons for providers to take things slow but after feeling some symptoms that I haven’t felt before that I now think might be related to Lyme’s (my husband is going through similar symptoms and trying to get a diagnosis as well right now) for about a week and a half and trying to fend them off with ibuprofen. I went to my regular urgent care asking for diagnostic measures.

    The provider told me it sounded like just an issue with my back. She stopped short of saying the word “injury,” and as I told her I haven’t injured myself, but she told me flat out I don’t have enough symptoms for her to order bloodwork and that I will have to go to my PCP. She also said that they are urgent care don’t order bloodwork because they aren’t going to be following up with the patient.

    Can we truly not assign a trained medical assistant plus the urgent care’s online portal to alert the patient of the bloodwork results and then connect the patient with the right specialist or the primary care provider from there depending on the results?

    So in my limited experience around here, I spent time waiting for an urgent care’s provider to examine me (she barely touched me) and was sent on my way with a 5-day steroid pack after a shot of Toridol (a non-narcotic anti-inflammatory).

    It was not a bad start for a sensation of pressure and numbness in my back and pain in my side. But she would not order any tests. Not a urine, not a basic panel of infection and inflammatory markers. No blood work and no scans of any kind including an xray.

    The pain was in no way unmanageable and I told her right away I was not seeking pain medication, but rather a diagnosis to seek relief from the pressure and numbness I was experiencing.

    More tomorrow about how my symptoms continued and the next step I took.

  • September 29, 2025

    This morning I rushed from my early client session to log my mom onto this call that the rehab she was just in for post-surgery PT and OT (associated with the big hospital) wanted to have with her. It was short, involved a bunch of cover-their-butt questions and what I heard of it involved things Mom definitely already knew.

    I’m sure they have all kinds of different patients they follow up with and I’m also sure not everyone has the same support at home as Mom does so maybe these calls are more helpful for others.

    But the call was scheduled for 9 AM and this call center representative in another state was calling me several minutes ahead of time insisting that we log on and then the nurse was right there several minutes beforehand and rushing as though we were behind…seeming to want to get through it quickly….appearing a little annoyed when Mom was still finishing up in the bathroom and we weren’t 100 percent ready to have her on camera Ahead of the appointment time.

    So maybe this is better than the endless waiting we have experienced, especially on telemedicine calls, because the provider is overbooked and late. But this didn’t feel awesome either. I barely got down the stairs to Mom’s room and the call center lady was telling me to just click the link while I was getting down the stairs. There’s impatience there

    There must be quotas and overbooking and an understaffed, overworked situation. Not great.

    Better than not having it at all? It’s a toss up for us because it didn’t really help and it was an extra annoyance, but also we have learned that if the patient declines anything for any reason it goes down in the chart (almost always without a reason specified) as a refusal and refusals in your past count against you as you are trying to get into rehab in the future.

    And we hope Mom can get her knees replaced in the not too distant future. And we want to get into our favorite rehabs.

    So we better hustle down the stairs and out of the bathroom and onto that follow up video call so the rehab can check their boxes, document that they checked on us (in this case almost completely without added value for the patient, not gonna lie), and make sure they get and stay paid.

    Nothing wrong with it per se, but there are some different things going on these days that are not entirely without a sense of weird “over-the-top-ness” in my opinion. Wish I could get clear reasoning from those in power regarding them.

    Another example is that when we call with a medical question the bill looks a lot like they are saying it was a session. A little borderline questionable at times with the wording on the bill. I’m sure the codes are legit and show that it was a phone call in but some of those calls were QUITE brief and yielded very limited results but the language on the bill seems to describe them as though they are an in-depth service of significant value. Maybe sometimes? But sometimes I was the family member on the other end of that call in to the provider’s office and certainly didn’t speak to the provider. Someone got a message back to the provider and got back to us but we didn’t really have a telephone session. Just saying.