Sandwiched Support

Category: Uncategorized

  • September 28, 2025

    Looking at the Week Ahead

    It’s a season where I am already overwhelmed on a Sunday night just looking at my week ahead with some manner of dread. A lot of weeks are like this but not all. Last week I was able to get coffee with two dear friends and we are aiming for once monthly and are so far two for two.

    But tomorrow I work and then I get Mom on an online appointment and then I head to two back to back appointment that I am fitting in to attend them in person for me. Then two additional online clients and then running kiddos to their evening activities. 2 kiddos out of 4 have something tomorrow evening so it’s not a super heavy load where we need to ask my Mom-in-law to be the third driver. Phew! She’s out of state visiting my sister-in-law and her family.

    Then it’s work outside the home the next two days with quick dinners and the evening rush and then Thursday I have client from home and doctors’ appointments for Dad and Mom to and Friday has more appointments for Mom.

    I am planning to watch a show online and spend a little time on social media and also try to get a decent night’s sleep while I’m not feeling my best.

    It’s A LOT right now while sandwiched. A whole lot.

  • Breakfast for Dinner

    We had breakfast for dinner twice this week and it’s always a hit other than with my oldest son and my husband, but they often make themselves a wrap or a sandwich or just do their own thing. When I got home from working outside the home one day this week it was toaster waffles (we used to have a waffle maker but we never used it and so we put it out at a yard sale we had when we lived in our previous house which was smaller than where we are now and now it’s a little exciting using the one at the buffet at a hotel breakfast during our occasional travels).

    When those waffles pop up in the toaster the kiddos are thrilled and make syrup and whipped cream sandwiches and I could offer other fun toppings with fruit or protein packed spreads or other fun garnishes like chocolate chips or sprinkles but I am not that organized and usually when we do this we are running out the door to evening activities so maybe having more toppings is a goal or maybe it’s not. This meal brings the smiles for sure- even from my oldest son.

    Then I try to make eggs when my oldest son is working because he’s not home for dinner then and eggs are not on his wishlist. Anyway, the current rage in our house are dippy eggs and if I can flip them and plate them without breaking the yokes I am the hero or the night. My third son even hopped on the toast-making station and my toast was served to me with pools of extra jelly and was absolutely fantastic!

    Sometimes it really is the little joys to get the bellies full simply and move on. More smiles with those dippy eggs! Even one enjoyed by Mom!

  • September 24, 2025

    Pushing Through Anyway

    I haven’t been feeling well this week, but I’m sandwiched daughter and mom. There is really no one to fill in for me without rearranging or canceling plenty and without a TON of favors being asked likely of other moms who either don’t work outside of the home or work from home. Quite frankly unless I am completely incapacitated with a stomach virus that won’t quit I don’t want to take the time and energy to ask multiple people for help with ALL that I do for my family each week. Text after text to try to find the right person who happens to be free and willing to do each thing honestly ends up being a lot and quite frankly it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t return the favor later. And it’s not that I don’t want to help them out, it’s only fair and these individuals are friends and relatives and fellow sandwiched moms in solidarity, it’s just that I already feel like I don’t have the bandwidth to keep up with my own family’s needs and wants. And I know they feel the same way. So just like people show up to work sick, Moms do that too except we don’t get a real restful break unless someone chooses to step up to take something off of our plates and between the meal prep, the appointments, the running kids to activities, the housework, the laundry, and the childcare, homework support, and support of aging loved ones, no one is willing to take it all on. Lightening the load of a member of the sandwiched generation is absolutely a thing and it is greatly appreciated, but truly there is no one who is really taking it all on for even one day. Sometimes a husband takes on putting out the “fires” of what’s needed to get his children through the day or a mom-in-law runs the kids to everything, makes lunch and dinner, and puts in a load of laundry, but it is a rarity that coverage does not leave plenty for the primary sandwiched adult to catch up on once well.

    A comparison can be made here to any job, but truly there is no comparison to the number of items on the primary caregiver/sandwiched adult’s list. And so very many categories leaving “tabs” open in the brain.

    A visit to urgent care or a nap or a trip to pick up a medication is carefully considered and life juggled to fit it in with everything else. And boy do we ever try not to loop in someone else. Instead sleep is lost, meals are skipped, and we do the next thing while the laundry and dust bunnies collect and multiply.

  • September 23, 2025

    Outside Texting In

    You would think I would simply be grateful and I am grateful, but it’s complicated! Mom is home doing well on small amounts of soft foods right now and so far it’s been a good day with me wrapping up at work outside of the home today and Dad holding down the fort at home. He grocery shopped and has helped Mom care for our family dog who hasn’t been feeling the greatest lately (she does show improvements though).

    But late morning today at work I missed a call from our church prayer chain where a recorded message is sent out on a call line and plays repeatedly until you hang up so that you can get all of the information. It’s a great resource so that those who want to pray know how they can do that for someone who is in need (frequent prayer requests are for medical needs and concerns and losses of loved ones and anyone at church can ask for prayer for anyone in the community, sometimes using last names, sometimes not). Very soon after I saw that I had missed the prayer chain call and didn’t get to the voicemail before my mom-in-law texted me that a close extended family member on my husband’s side of the family had a major medical event happen to him earlier today.

    Certainly others have had things happen medically other than Mom recently, but not a lot of family has had something this major that needed immediate surgery at least not that my worried brain is remembering at the moment, since Mom’s initial emergent surgery about a year ago. We do know of medical conditions and treatments that are ongoing for several family members, many of them due to serious medical conditions, but to my knowledge all of those individuals are currently stable at home.

    So lately I have been the medical advocate, the closest family member of the patient, the one hurrying into the hospital on repeat and texting everyone else urgent questions and regular updates. Today I am the friend who also happens to be a relative as two of this man’s daughter-in-laws are my very close friends who I have done a lot of life with. They have been neighbors at one time, part of the church we regularly attend, part of moms’ groups I was part of when my kids were little, part of my baby showers (one was at my wedding shower and played violin at our wedding). We have been friends for decades. One of them was at college with my husband and I, another had me in her wedding. And I am texting them today trying not to intrude, but communicating love, support, and encouragement fully from a small distance.

    I’ve assured them as they assured me when I was going through something similar (but not exactly because I cannot know what this specific situation is like for them) that I will come pick up their kids when they need me, that I have no specific expectations of when they will contact me back if at all, and that I am praying for their family member and am here for them.

    This extended family member is wonderful and truly loved as is his caring and compassionate wife. They lost their youngest son in a terrible accident years ago when we were in college and have been through so very much already and never lost their beautiful faith. They are a true example of loving parents and grandparents and loving people who serve those they care about and the community so selflessly.

    Lately I have been the one sitting by the patient’s bedside texting away to receive support and answers from knowledgeable others. The daughter-in-laws are both nurses and have often been two of my go-to medical people I know who I can go to with questions about Mom.

    Now I sit at my desk in my office with everything caught up waiting to see if I’ll have a walk-in appointment pop up before I leave for the day. And really all I can think about is that the man who married us 20 years ago, the man who we asked to provide baptism for all four of our children, and the man who has a very distinct voice and personality and who can talk to everyone with a focus and a sense of encouragement showing that that person really matters to him is having major surgery and I am waiting away from the hospital. I am not in this waiting room this time.

    I am on the outside of this one, texting in. And I can barely contain my prayers and my questions. And I can hardly remain in my seat. And I know that no matter what happens that it has been and continues to be nothing but the utmost blessing and privilege to know this family member and both the family he comes from and the family he and his wife have built together.

  • September 22, 2025

    I brought Mom home from the big hospital’s rehab today. It was a quick run up and back with a full afternoon of online clients and evening activities for the kids ahead. We did not have a big reunion as she was ready to head through the door into the suite she and Dad share. Each kiddo did go in and greet and spend time with her, but the mamarazzi wasn’t there this time. At this point we are deeply grateful while also on the edge of our seats praying that as far as this medical journey goes (this one that started last October 19th) maybe we will wrap it up before a year. She was rehospitalized again last week Monday-Wednesday and was able to return to the rehab at that time with planned discharge home today with home health nursing, PT, and OT starting Wednesday of this week.

    It feels a little like Groundhog Day kind of in the worst way while also allowing for very cautious optimism because there has not been a post-surgery blockage.

    We’ll take it, but it’s also true that We’ll take it from here. Some progress takes place more smoothly at home and we are hopeful that that will be true for Mom.

    Practicing acceptance that recovery and healing is rarely linear.

  • September 19, 2025

    Where’s That Uniform

    I’ve tried to train them to put the dirty uniform right on the laundry room floor. I used to forget to wash them on time pretty often before I did that. Now I will see soccer, baseball, dance, robotics bunched up in an inside out heap on the floor with tights and tall socks intermingled and be immediately reminded to spray those stains and toss it all in with the next load. For my oldest two I can hand over the responsibility for the freshly laundered and folded stacks right away and they will know where they are when it’s go time.

    Game time or Show Time or Practice (yep even at the practices for some activities there is a dress code or uniform required) comes along and my younger two have no clue. Gotta keep working with them on this….in my spare time.

    The other day I managed to clear and sort everything on the laundry room floor (kind of a big feat at our house in this season of life) trying to find my youngest son’s soccer uniform to get it clean in time and we realized it was in his hamper in his room the whole time. Same deal with my daughter. Not where the items needed to be. Up in her hamper as well.

    Trying to bring to life systems that work for our actual schedules. Now if everyone would join me in them. I guess that’s the rub.

  • September 18, 2025

    Inservice

    Tomorrow is a random inservice day quite early in the school year and our kids have off from public school. There will be two and a half days off in October as well around conferences though they don’t have Columbus Day off in the same week. I see parents on social media talking about this often, that the kids seem to have more and more days off or half days and days that are not as often around holidays. We found ways to have fun. I am writing and posting these posts late and our oldest two sons played their first rounds of 9 holes of golf with Dad which went really well, our third son had the time of his life at an outdoor adventure place with a small group of friends for the friend’s birthday, and I had a big play date at our house with a bunch of my daughter’s friends. Play date went great but it was an all-day commitment. Then I had some tickets for an amusement park that were going to expire so the kids lived their best lives Saturday and then sports Sunday afternoon. Quite often I am choosing between catching up the pages of work I need to enter into the computer and laundry, organizing, and tidying up. I am sitting at soccer practice now catching up the blog posts because I let them lapse last week. Not feeling super well and sometimes it all feels like a lot because in this season, it truly is.

  • September 17, 2025

    I’ve Lived Your Life

    Dad has been what we used to refer to when I was a kid, “An Absolute Trooper” with just about everything going on with Mom’s health for honestly what has probably been over a decade now. He has made her meals when she could barely walk due to her knee issues which was a lot of the time prior to his massive heart attack and quadruple bypass. Now he stays active and has been truly an asset in supporting Mom through ongoing physical and emotional struggles.

    I have a lot that I do when it comes to advocating for the health and medical needs of both of them. But having him providing all kinds of support to her including direct support, various shopping for needs, and lots of visits has been a tremendous help because I have no siblings and my husband and I have four children and we work and has a lot going on.

    He has been retired for several years but he selflessly helps support my two work days out of the house and the work I do from home by driving our kids to and from the bus stop (3 different buses this year) every school day. There is quite a lot that would not be possible if Mom and Dad did not choose to live with us and it has given us the opportunity to support them in many ways and for them to provide support in small ways as we raise the kids

    Having said all of that, Dad was frustrated with me this morning because I forgot for the millionth time to put things clearly on the written calendar on the kitchen island and I scheduled some appointments for him, to which I accompany him, at a time when he has plans to drive a couple of hours out of town to visit his brother who is in a long term care home. Understandably he was frustrated, but I pointed out that he is retired so there’s much more flexibility in his schedule to make some changes.

    That frustrated him because he has had this visit on the calendar for months and he is right that I did not give him proper notice. However, in my defense I absolutely have a point that he can be flexible and I ended up rescheduling the one appointment (the most important one is at 7 AM and he can still get going pretty early). But he ended up saying to me that he’s loved my life and basically now has the right to not have to be flexible.

    Um, no sir, I reminded him quickly, you have NOT lived my life. You had one child, not four, and Mom lived a similar life to mine (caring and advocating for her aging parents while raising me and at times trying to start a business for part of my childhood). You sir, did not. You lived the workaholic, non-primary parent’s life and you were not a caregiver of anyone while your child was growing up. You did not live my sandwiched life.

    I have been sitting with this post for several days and we all have different roles in our journey, but I stand by my right to remind Dad that he has never lived through the roles and that life has handed me in this timing.

  • September 16, 2025

    This is not a cutting matter.

    If a surgeon is being asked to do anything beyond determining if surgery is needed, if post-surgical healing looks to be on track, or of course surgery itself they seem to unequivocally prefer not to.

    I get it, they are the highly trained specialists and the only ones who can perform the surgeries (along with other types of providers and specialists on their team and similar teams). So they seem to want the hospital to pass the patient, with post-surgical complications, onto another department of providers (in Mom’s case it’s been internal medicine or GI) to monitor and treat them if there is nothing that warrants emergent or scheduled upcoming surgery.

    But yet the hospital wants them to show up each time to follow through with making sure the patients they operated on are taken care of. Seems reasonable and understandable until you factor in how busy they are and how few of them there are and you start to notice them getting short with abs frustrated with the patients who return with pain, with “inflammation,” with complications.

    From being unsettled and taking a longer time to heal and recovery than the average patient of the same age and condition (this seems to be Mom’s situation right now) up to the need for emergent follow-up surgery and everything in between I’m sure they see so many patients that it may be difficult to keep up with it all.

    So what are the hospital systems doing about this? Can there be more PA’s and NP’s who are trained by the surgical team and work for them and with them to provide excellent follow-up care not just in the office post-op, but also with the more complicated situations where patients are readmitted post-surgery with a variety of problems? Certainly the surgeon who operated on the patient and the team should be closely involved at looking at all scans, ordering tests, and weighing in on the treatment plan after considering all relevant information, but surely other educated medical providers who are not operating can provide supportive care as the patient is under observation.

    Can we come up with a better system where someone who has time truly listens to the patient and the patient’s family/advocates/support people to get the full picture while tests are being run? Can those individuals be trained to diagnose and treat post-surgical complications that do not appear to involve the need for further surgery to free-up the surgeons without leaving the patient and patient’s family feeling dismissed?

    How can the hospital teams communicate and work better together?

    And who can we assign to communicate with the family and other members of the support system on a regular basis to receive and answer their questions with empathy and compassion and to provide reasonable medical updates?

  • September 15, 2025

    Admit for Observation

    Mom has ongoing abdominal pain and is in the ED of the big hospital and they are going to admit her for observation for 1-3 days. Surgeon said earlier that the inflammation in the CT scan looked mild and Mom could go back to the rehab. Plain is not ongoing and they say admit 1-3 days. I wonder how we can know how long it will take, how long she will need.

    It’s tough to plan the week and when she might be discharged. It’s hard to know what to expect and to imagine next steps. There are worries that this could be last Fall all over again and everything that came with it. Dad says not to worry ahead of knowing what will happen and as a mental health professional I too know better, but in the sandwiches season it is a challenge not to fear the unknown.