Sandwiched Support

Category: Uncategorized

  • August 4, 2024

    Breathing Just a Little Easier

    With a house full of 8 of us and various visitors coming and going, when just one person is not at home it changes the dynamic and quite honestly, for me, it allows me to breathe just a little bit easier.

    I am an extrovert and I live large gatherings, though I do have some social anxiety around individuals I don’t know well until I get to know them. But when one of my children goes and spends a night or two with the paternal grandparents or when another is at camp or when Dad spends the day playing golf or my husband is at work….I breathe a little easier.

    I want them to return of course, and I begin to miss them (some more than others sooner- highly dependent on recent attitudes, behaviors, possible disagreements) after a couple of days. But at first I can feel myself take a deep breath.

    It’s one less person who will interrupt my focus or need something from me. It’s one less possible variable in the realm of potential conflicts. The potential for conflict goes up exponentially when all 8 of us are here and when just one is at his robotics club meeting or another is playing at a friend’s house, the potential for overall conflict options goes down.

    The noise seems to decrease even more so than it actually does. The messes should decrease, but that never seems to happen. But it’s truly a thing. My almost 9-year-old is spending a couple of nights away from us and going to a couple of stores with 3 kids instead of 4 seemed to happen more simply today. And I didn’t have to think about whether that son or my husband would hate what I was making for dinner tonight because my husband was at a work dinner and neither of them were here to eat it (still had one out of three kids whining and trying to refuse it- it was spaghetti and meatballs, I mean, come on).

    It’s a little easier to breathe when one or more steps out and even when the dog is at the groomer it’s like a mini vacay in my mind.

  • August 1, 2025

    Facts About Founder and Family

    There’s a chorus of different sounds in our home from the dog’s incessant barking when anyone is close to our home outside to teen slang and teens making fun of teen slang (“skibbity toilet!” “Bruh, that’s cap”) to us hollering for the kids to do things and my parents hollering at one another in frustration when they do not hear one another or in jubilation when their favorite teams score.

    We are blessed with plenty of room but tend to be cursed by the need to constantly shout for someone instead of dealing with another staircase. Cell phones on the teens sometimes help, but if they suspect chores and expectations they don’t always answer. All four kids argue as do all of us at times. The littles argue most frequently and for our daughter the loss of a toy or the remote at the hands of a brother leads to the most tears.

    Any one of us can be caught whining or complaining at a given moment, but also jokes, love, and encouragement live here too.

    Next week the chatter will be about school schedules, teachers, classes, and bus info and about soaking up every last bit of summer. And for the next month the sounds of birthdays being celebrated will be a frequent blessing.

    And then Mom will face surgery again and we will talk about fears, plans, preparations, questions we have, and ways to prioritize providing support and advocacy one day at a time.

    As it comes up we’ll talk about it. And the kids are still coming to us to talk about a lot so we keep the conversations going and we ask them to come to us with anything and hope that they will and we know that they don’t always. And we hope that those who enter our doors are listening ears and voices that fill and uplift where we are not necessarily invited to do so or are not the ones meant to be there for that purpose or lesson.

    I ache for silence at times when I cannot get a second, but I know I will ache for each one of these voices when I don’t get to hear it close by anymore.

  • July 31, 2025

    I Want a Friend Over

    We started our family in the home my husband grew up in adjacent to an extended family farm where my father-in-law grew up. We brought all 4 of our children home to that ranch house but only the boys (especially the oldest two) remember what it was like to run freely and play on the 100 acres with some amazing second cousins right where we all lived.

    Mom and Dad needed support so they sold their house and we did too and bought one house, but there are many things we miss about the farm not the least of which is missing the second cousins to play with right outside. We have some amazing neighbors but we are often on different schedules and the kids are frequently asking for various friends from school.

    IYKYK the text messages involved in trying to have a friend over for one child, let alone if I am trying to coordinate the social lives of up to four kids who don’t drive yet, are truly numerous. It is truly another part-time job, especially with the younger children, and even more so when introducing one’s self to the child’s chosen friend’s parents, explaining plans and how we do things, answering questions, picking times, and figuring out which parents are driving which ways. When I was growing up the host family stayed home while the parents of the visiting child dropped off and picked up. These days it seems to be becoming more and more frequent that the host family offers to either come pick up the visiting child or dropping that child off afterwards. I have benefited from other parents’ generosity in this way several times now, but when it is my turn to offer I  am not always thrilled. But to get the kids together, especially if it’s a group of them takes plenty of parental time and attentions. I’m thankful to be involved in seeing what they’re doing and in getting to know their friends, but it’s definitely another unsung responsibility of the primary caregiver.

  • July 30, 2025

    Making it Work

    As I eased myself out of bed this morning I pleasantly found that my aches and pains from hotel mattresses and alternating between hiking and riding in a mini van had mostly subsided. But my smiles about that were short-lived as I realized I needed to hurry through my coffee and breakfast (even though almost nobody else in the house was up yet and the near silence sounded wonderful) to log on for my 7 AM client. I see a small limit of clients per week, especially in the summer, as I am primary caregiver, camp counselor, and beyond for my four children all summer (both a tremendous privilege and quite a challenge) and advocate for both parents as they navigate their medical needs. My husband gets up, showers, shaves, and leaves for the office without interruptions or much to consider outside of his personal care and upcoming professional responsbilities.

    If I want to work beyond my roles as wife, mother, daughter and co-house manager, I have to make it work because I have loved ones relying on me. So this morning it was just the one terrific client (I have the best clients almost all of the time and when there are challenges it is rare that I cannot understand why) and then I grabbed an active shirt and threw my hair up in a ponytail and we were off on an adventure to meet another mom with active kids for two of the hardest library hikes. We hiked about 4 1/2 miles between the two hikes (which is a lot for me and my lifestyle) and enjoyed many beautiful sights and a whole lot of complaining from the kids. But I got to catch up with my friend about all things work, kids, kids’ schools, experiences with our family members’ medical issues, travel and trips, and all manner of the sweetest conversation while hiking and swimming afterward. I rarely see her between our yearly hike day with the kids as our kids are in different local school districts and understandably haven’t remained friends beyond their younger years in the local play group where we met, but we made this pleasant catch up work while simultaneously getting our kids fresh air, exercise, and space for creative activities without screens for a good 6 hours plus. She understands that part of making it work is that she packs her own lunch for herself and her own kids while I just have to bring ours (subbed the lunch packing out to my 15 year old son to make that work) so that we can all enjoy my amazing neighbor’s pool together and I am hosting but not going to the extra effort of providing a lunch which may not be a favorite for her and her kids.

    My thoughtful in-laws offered again to take one kiddo at a time for a couple of nights each to give them special attention and activities away from what is often a chaotic rhythm of collective living at our house. Each child gets to pick the meals my mom-in-law cooks and the fast food and treats they go out and enjoy and they get to do all kinds of fun things with both of my husband’s active parents. So a bonus after a long day keeping up with the kids and their needs was the fact that my middle son heading off with my mom-in-law, I whipped up some eggs for the other kids, and we got some toast and freezer waffles out and everyone basically could fend for themselves with some minor support. Sometimes to make it work we keep it super simple. I’ve also had an awesome cleaning person do wonders here this week. I can only afford one half day per week, but it’s worth it. And we’ve had groceries delivered to restock. Sometimes I go, but often I make use of the awesome memberships available to me.

    I’m not a magician or an octopus. Mom always used to say that about herself as she juggled all of the things back when she was in a similar sandwiched stage of life. She made it work and each day, somehow, I make it work too.

  • July 29, 2025

    If I’m Not Right There

    I know many of you understand this with regard to your children. If you’re not right there, they don’t follow through with the chore. If you’re not right there they are on their screens instead of focusing on homework. If you’re not right there, they’re often fighting with one another and then blaming everyone else in the room when someone gets hurt.

    But I didn’t consider how, when sandwiched, this would work with my aging parents. I did what I thought was “it all” before leaving for a two week summer trip with my husband and four children and not only had I forgotten to reschedule one appointment I had scheduled for Mom (while also forgetting to return the library books on time), I managed to let something else slip through the cracks. I assumed Mom would handle logging onto a telehealth appointment with a GI provider (specially trained with nutritional expertise) on her own. She has logged in on her own before, but only with the small hospital system’s portal. This would be her first time with the larger hospital system’s online appointment log in.

    Somehow she never got the email with the link the first time. Of course the call to schedule the appointment came while I was driving my car and already feeling sick and having fled the pharmacy where I had just scooted out of line the other day because I spotted someone I wasn’t expecting to be there I was not in a place to make small talk with that person at that time. But that’s another story. Anyway, all of that had happened and I was driving my son to the library and got the call to set up this appointment. I explained that Mom is aging and she prefers that I schedule her appointment so the number they have on file is mine. I then explained that I would be traveling in a different time zone during the appointment and that they needed to send the link to the appointment to Mom’s email address, which I gave them.

    The Thursday appointment while I was traveling came and went and Mom says she never saw the link in her email. I called to reschedule and apparently they had already spoken to her and rescheduled for the following Thursday right around the same time. I acknowledged the scheduled appointment and again stated that at that time I would still be traveling in another time zone and they said that this time they were going to text her the link because when they email it it sometimes goes into people’s SPAM folders. Ok, so why didn’t you offer us the text option to begin with? I did not ask this aloud.

    So I was assured that all was well, that they had prepared Mom to log in on her phone when they texted her the link, and I reminded her myself. But guess what we received in the mail today? A letter stating that she now missed two appointments and if she misses a third she will be dismissed as a patient. Great. I should have wondered when I asked the woman I spoke to if there was going to be another phone call reminding us of the appointment and she said, no, that she was going to put the information in the system, and then I got a call from them a couple of days later asking for Mom and stating they were confirming the telehealth appointment. I responded that the appointment was confirmed and that she would log on if they text the link to her. I confirmed her number.

    If I’m not right there this is what happens. It just doesn’t get done. And now I have another appointment to call about to reschedule. Add it to the list.

  • July 28, 2025

    Enough

    I took my dad to a 6:30 am EKG this morning after getting home last evening from our two week trip with the kids. Did one load of laundry and spent my breakfast being the listening ear my dad needed. Called the pedi office to see if I can bring my daughter, who has been sick on and off with cold symptoms for a few weeks and now has quite a cough, to see if I can bring her along to be seen there while I brought my teen son for his wellness check up or before or after. My son’s appointment was at 9:40 AM, not one of the popular timeslots before or after parents’ work days. But they could not get her in.

    Thankfully both early morning appointments went well and brought helpful results. But then I had to head back out with my daughter to urgent care for a sick visit. They were helpful but it took me right up to zipping home to get there in the nick of time for my first client and the other three today

    My fifteen year old got everyone lunch while I worked, but by the time I was done it was time to pop dozen pizzas in the oven and open fruit and veggie trays and call it dinner as my husband made his way home.

    As I skipped preheating and hoped for the best as usual, I called my husband and vented about how I felt I got nothing done today because I didn’t unpack, I barely did laundry, and picking up around here escaped me as it often does. My husband was on point today and reminded me that I took loved ones to 3 doctors and saw 4 clients and that that’s a 7 hour day alone right there not to mention the drives, chores, and being there for all 4 of my children and both of my parents in different ways.

    It’s enough, but there’s not enough of me to go around. And I’m sandwiched and each day brings many challenges with opportunities right now.

  • July 25, 2025

    Fun Fact about the Founder and Family

    I know I am not the first to mention this issue, but I have sadly reached the age where I sleep with a certain arrangement of pillows because without them I frequently wake up feeling like I’m in traction. And these days calls are becoming more frequent from my parents when I have already headed to bed that lead to me getting up and going downstairs to deal with a need. It reminds me of when I had newborns and honestly, I know it can get much more frequent and a lot worse.

    It’s almost time to go home, but we are traveling on an adventure with our kids that is taking us many places back to back to back and has also led us to stay at a number of different places and to sleep in a series of different borrower beds.

    Flying does not easily allow for packing a pile of pillows so I have been trying to recreate my pillow pile to no avail. And every single morning on this trip without exception I wake up literally hours before I need to be awake finding that I need to get up right away because of new levels of the discomfort. Without the skillful arrangement of the aforementioned pillows and without a mattress similar to mine at home, I know I am planning to be up early and often throughout the night.

    Shout out to just the right pillows and, while we’re at it, to the best mattresses too! The primary caregivers and advocates need our rest and find it frequently disrupted or tough to come by due to other priorities and responsibilities (both expected and unexpected). When we lose we are very unlikely to get a chance to rest another time soon afterward.

    When you don’t get to sleep because of meeting another person’s needs it’s an amazing selfless act, but at the same time, it can take a significant toll. May the sandwiched and all caregivers and advocates find ways to get the very best sleep when we have time for it.

  • July 24, 2025

    The Keeper

    We checked into a hotel with an indoor water park in or at and our boys were already having the time of their lives with their dad on the big water slides while I, Mom, was holding everyone’s shoes and a big bag of things we thought we might need as there was no available table or chair in sight and we try to avoid at least some of the extra fees like the locker fee.

    Then this amazing fellow mom, a complete stranger, waived me over and said it was just her at her table and I was welcome to sit there. Perfect for keeping an eye on my daughter in the play areas for younger kiddos- front row seat.

    Then my husband (after going to the rental vehicle to locate our second son’s second croc) brought me more to hold and then asked “aren’t you going in?” He felt it was fine to just leave our stuff including cell phones and i wasn’t comfortable with that without a locker. Plus the other mom at the table had gotten up to get a double tube for our daughter and her daughter to ride around together and I didn’t want to leave her stuff unattended.

    Like a living coat rack my children have been hanging things on me or placing them in my hands since they could crawl and the load has only gotten heavier when there’s things to do. It seems to come with the territory that Mom is to hold this, watch this, do this and in many ways it’s a special honor, until the expectations overwhelm and the literal weight of things pile up. Sometimes it really is just a lot.

    Very thankful for other moms who jump in to ease my four ring circus sometimes in a pinch when it feels like even with my husband and I there’s not enough parenting, refereeing, and overseeing to go around.

    It felt nice to be able to just sit in this extra chair this evening as we’ll be doing plenty more over the weekend and because at home Mom has been handing me her things for years as well.

    If you’re a caregiver, I see you. If you feel like a human coat rack; I’m right there with you. And if you’re sandwiched and your parents or older loved ones are now placing their things in your hands in more ways than one; you’re not alone.

  • July 23, 2025

    Taken Care of in a Timely Manner

    Yesterday I found it concerning that when I finally called the right number for Medicare and asked about whether or not Mom’s new benefit period began now that she has been home (with no additional inpatient admissions) for over 60 days as required for her plan to reinstate a new series of available Medicare Part A days.

    The representative I spoke with yesterday seemed more knowledgeable and professional than some others I have spoken with in the past and she was able to tell me that her view of the system shows that Mom’s days should have come back now (other than those 60 lifetime days which never come back) given that I did understand correctly that she has been home for more than 60 days.

    However, this helpful representative admitted that though Mom should be in a new benefit period as of a few days back, the system does not show the availability of the new days on her end.

    Ok, so I am of course glad at this point that this representative is confirming for me what we suspected that Mom FINALLY was able to stay home for 60 plus days in a row without any inpatient admissions and her Part A benefits are returning in time for an upcoming surgery that is scheduled for Monday at the big hospital.

    So I explained to the helpful representative that the surgery is supposed to be first thing next week and I would like to confirm that her Part A benefits are reinstated now for a new benefits period as she has met the requirements. The helpful representative replied that she was escalating this to what I believe she called a “senior specialist”. She assured me that she was writing a thorough explanation of my question and the reasons for my question and I believe that she did. t

    Here’s what led me to feeling concerned yesterday. The helpful representative told me that the senior specialist had 7 business days to return my call. 7 business days?! It was Tuesday and the surgery was Monday!

    I expressed this concern to the helpful representative and she said that I could call Mom’s surgeon’s office and encourage them to call the provider line for confirmation.

    Seriously, how are patients, especially Seniors, doing all of this without someone advocating for them through plenty of inefficient steps?

    I thanked her and asked for her name. She gave it to me and I asked for her extension. She said she doesn’t have an extension or a call back number and I can just call the main number back and explain all of this again if the senior specialist does not return my call before the 7 business day window.

    Not an ideal option, but grateful to know that’s the way it is for future reference. So yesterday I called the big hospital’s outpatient surgery office and explained everything about the potential billing concerns if the new benefits period is not clearly started in the system. The woman who answered the phone listened to my whole explanation and then had to transfer me to a woman in the billing department whose voicemail answered my call. I explained everything yesterday on her voicemail and have not received a return call from her.

    It seems, this time, that all is working out for Mom. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled that the senior specialist returned my call today and I was available to answer right away! She couldn’t have been nicer and did confirm that Mom’s Part A is in a new benefit period as of a few days ago when Mom made it to 60 days at home without an inpatient admission during that time.

    Thankful to have that verbal confirmation and when we got disconnected because I am traveling and was on the road when she called, she called back and left a message trying to finish our call. Very kind of her to call back! Unfortunately I didn’t have reception and her message stated that I would just have to call the main number back again. No direct number or extension to call her back and finish our call.

    Grateful that I got what I needed at this time, but quite frankly I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  • July 22, 2025

    Beware. I Should Have Known Better

    So today we got on the road and had to take one of our sons for a checkup at an urgent care where we are away on vacation before we headed to the next town. While he took my son inside to be examined by a provider (great experience, no issues) my husband reminded me that I needed to call Medicare to check in regarding Mom’s benefits.

    I was thankful for the reminder at a time when my other 3 kids were spending their downtime in the car using their screens and I had time to spare and I made the mistake of just doing an online search for the number. It could have been much worse. I could have reached a scammer and I know people who have reached scammers by searching other companies and things have turned out a lot worse.

    I will describe why I called in tomorrow’s blog post and what happened when I did actually get a Medicare rep on the phone and what I will have to do from here. Unbelievable.

    But for now I will just say that I spent 30 minutes on the phone with a person who turned out to be a broker for a company who works with Medicare. He gave his name, asked for my number in case we got disconnected, played a recording from Medicare regarding things we would discuss, got Mom’s Medicare ID number to put in the system and then let me know that he could not help with my question. I am thankful for him because he then identified his job and told me the Medicare phone number which I should have called directly.

    After advocating for this long I truly should have known better and I DO know better but I still (being tired from traveling with 4 kids, being in a different time zone, for several days, and just being in a hurry) went with the online link for simplicity.

    It’s not worth it. And I am grateful that so far the worst that happened was that I was on hold FOREVER for this gentleman’s help and then had to be on hold again to speak to an actual Medicare representative.

    Stay tuned for the question I asked and the result of that conversation tomorrow. And always call 1-800- Medicare (1-800-633-4227) from the start. Online links will Likely at Best waste your time and lead you no where and at worst could lead to you giving sensitive info to a scammer.