Sandwiched Support

Tag: compassion

  • October 8, 2025

    The Why

    I have been talking with clients, particularly my college student clients who are questioning their life choices when midterms hit, about their “Why”. For them I point to my degrees and licenses on the wall of my office and tell them that I have been where they are and that though they must lock in now and grind it out when it’s difficult, if I did it, so can they.

    I have been struggling with it all. The mental load of this sandwiched situation, the inadequate support, the significant need for advocacy on my part to fill significant gaps in systems that I seem to pay quite a bit into in taxes and the insurance payments are astounding. It still makes me weak in the knees when I think of all who are doing this with fewer resources than I have and I try not to verbally express frustration when some more privileged than we are mention paying out of pocket for resources that we will likely never be able to afford.

    But as I sit in this idyllic setting where our children are privileged to play soccer on a beautifully manicured field surrounded by brilliant fall colors and scenic farmland. And as I watch my healthy daughter run freely with the ball it is the ideal moment to practice gratitude for the health most of our household is experiencing now and the strides we have made. I am grateful for the medical care we do have available, even as I want to challenge us to be provide better. I am grateful that my children have a wonderful school district in an amazing community and that we can raise them in a healthy place where a variety of activities are available for their enjoyment and enrichment. And when I remember that everything I do is for family and that my children are thriving it reminds me Why I work this hard burning the candle at both ends.

    I truly care about my parents and about my children and my family as a whole and doing everything I can to give them the best life possible as far as it depends on the choices I make. I received this text from a dear friend who I respect very much. The whole text made my day, this part in particular:

    “You are a warrior and take such good care of your family. Remember to take care of yourself too.”

    As I walk this long winding road in this season of life and step up as a warrior for the cause of my family each day, I haven’t yet found the best way to also take care of myself. Yet is one of my favorite words though, I know I can and will learn at some point. But for now I am focusing on the “Why” for getting up early and getting to bed late so that I can keep it all going in this season for those who count on me. They matter so much to me and they are my Why.

  • September 16, 2025

    This is not a cutting matter.

    If a surgeon is being asked to do anything beyond determining if surgery is needed, if post-surgical healing looks to be on track, or of course surgery itself they seem to unequivocally prefer not to.

    I get it, they are the highly trained specialists and the only ones who can perform the surgeries (along with other types of providers and specialists on their team and similar teams). So they seem to want the hospital to pass the patient, with post-surgical complications, onto another department of providers (in Mom’s case it’s been internal medicine or GI) to monitor and treat them if there is nothing that warrants emergent or scheduled upcoming surgery.

    But yet the hospital wants them to show up each time to follow through with making sure the patients they operated on are taken care of. Seems reasonable and understandable until you factor in how busy they are and how few of them there are and you start to notice them getting short with abs frustrated with the patients who return with pain, with “inflammation,” with complications.

    From being unsettled and taking a longer time to heal and recovery than the average patient of the same age and condition (this seems to be Mom’s situation right now) up to the need for emergent follow-up surgery and everything in between I’m sure they see so many patients that it may be difficult to keep up with it all.

    So what are the hospital systems doing about this? Can there be more PA’s and NP’s who are trained by the surgical team and work for them and with them to provide excellent follow-up care not just in the office post-op, but also with the more complicated situations where patients are readmitted post-surgery with a variety of problems? Certainly the surgeon who operated on the patient and the team should be closely involved at looking at all scans, ordering tests, and weighing in on the treatment plan after considering all relevant information, but surely other educated medical providers who are not operating can provide supportive care as the patient is under observation.

    Can we come up with a better system where someone who has time truly listens to the patient and the patient’s family/advocates/support people to get the full picture while tests are being run? Can those individuals be trained to diagnose and treat post-surgical complications that do not appear to involve the need for further surgery to free-up the surgeons without leaving the patient and patient’s family feeling dismissed?

    How can the hospital teams communicate and work better together?

    And who can we assign to communicate with the family and other members of the support system on a regular basis to receive and answer their questions with empathy and compassion and to provide reasonable medical updates?

  • August 26, 2025

    Greet the Loved Ones

    I’m sure there are plenty of thoughts from the point of view of the medical professionals on this and most certainly I do realize that they are at work when this is all happening and have plenty to think about regarding the patient.

    However, following my family member’s surgery, I want to feel welcome for a brief visit in her hospital room. Mom’s most recent surgeon (phenomenal in so many ways: Knowledge, Skills, Ability to Communicate, and Bedside Manner toward both the patient and the family members) spoke to me around 6 PM last evening. After 7 PM I asked for her room number because I live just under an hour away from the big hospital and I was ready to go home after seeing her. I approached the front desk staff member in the surgical waiting room and she looked up the room number for me and called the unit ahead. They shared that it’s a shift change and encouraged me not to come until 7:30 PM which I did and I was still alone in a dark hospital room when I arrived because Mom wasn’t there yet.

    Two nurses in the hallway were busy and ifnired me until I approached them. There was no or ask the desk and I asked if I could go to Mon’s room and the one nurse kindly and easily waved me on.

    But when my mom arrived in her room, the gentleman transporting her by pushing her gurney did not make eye contact with me or speak to me. Worse yet the bedside nurse came in and began acting like I was not even there. The transfer to her hospital bed went smoothly but neither would look at me until I thanked them several times over and then politely explained that I would not be staying long. I also, in an easy-going way apologized when I got in her way and showed her the four items I was leaving behind for Mom. She was pleasant enough and answered me.

    But I wanted to be greeted. I wanted the staff to introduce themselves to me and to make me feel welcome. It wasn’t the ED at 4 AM or something like that, it was the start of a shift, and even if it was it would go a long way to greet and welcome the loved ones of people who had surgery.

  • August 21, 2025

    Caregiver Syndrome

    Saw a very brief video online today where Mel Robbins is describing Caregiver Burnout and shares that she does not want to see her followers make themselves wrong over it, encouraging them not to blame themselves.

    This is exactly what I needed to hear tonight as I am sitting in my car waiting for my son at baseball practice and it’s running a half hour late and then I am off to pick up my oldest from work. I am proud of them and want them to have all they have both in terms of experiences/opportunities AND belongings, but there are 4 of them and they Just went back to school today and I spent ALL day working or organizing my moms entire closet and drawers with her and I just about Always feel spent.

    If you’re thinking that maybe cleaning out and organizing my mom’s entire wardrobe wasn’t the greatest choice for my first day without the kids and that I could have chosen not to do that so that I could rest between online clients or so I could have gotten some other things accomplished for me, technically you’re right, it was a choice.

    But it’s complicated, Mom has surgery on Monday and she has lost so much weight since October and all she has gone through and with the recent months of a liquid diet. So when I went to help her pack her bag for post-surgery PT/OT rehab she said she needed to go through her clothes to purge what is way too big now and to figure out which size of all of the clothing she has saved over the years fits her. I can’t say it was a bad time entirely. She and I had a nice time togethers but it’s a lot of work hauling everything around and sorting it all and putting it all back and hopping on calls and then returning.

    In this sandwiched season I have done some direct care, but I am not even someone who does that daily. I truly feel for those who do that work around the clock. I cannot wrap my head around what it must be like to do that work. I am struggling with never having more than an hour or two to myself in a week’s time during the summer and to get those two hours I am either losing sleep or just ignoring some things that quite urgently do need to be done but are not emergent.

    Now that the school year has started and my children have a structured place to go I will be able to set aside one day a week to have a little self-care. Tomorrow I will have the opportunity to go for coffee with one or two wonderful friends who get me at a great place and I have appreciated with both my “hairapist” and my therapist and both are greatly needed. But I won’t be able to do all of that every week. There will be errands and appointments for my parents and children and many many things to prep from meals to fun things like costumes for trick or treat (that will still stress me out because my attention will be divided due to 50 other things I don’t prefer to have on my plate).

    Maybe I will miss this, but honestly I highly doubt I will miss all of it. And at the very same time it is Also True that I love each one in my household so very much.

  • August 12, 2025

    So How’s Your Mom?

    These days as a sandwiched individual who has been advocating for my parents for years now, with quite a bit of advocacy for Mom for almost a year now under the ongoing circumstances, people who haven’t seen me for a while say hello and tend to ask about Mom right away. It’s kind and considerate and I tell them that she’s uncomfortable on her ongoing liquid diet, but stable as she awaits surgery.

    What is the actual diagnosis? What kind of surgery is she to have? Who’s the surgeon? What is the recovery supposed to be like?

    I get it. I am someone who asks a lot of questions so that I can learn more about things and to demonstrate support for others when the questions do not seem too intrusive. And these questions are not intrusive. I have been very open, with Mom’s permission, about the whole journey so that others may learn from our experiences and be better able to advocate for their loved ones and themselves. And these caring people’s prayers and kind words and support are everything when walking through all that comes along with having medical needs or being there for someone who does.

    But it does feel strange to be here. To be of the generation who is asked these questions quickly after a greeting, almost in the same breath. And those who ask are quite often my age or older and/or are individuals who work in the medical field or who have been sandwiched themselves.

    It’s a relatable place to be. I am not alone, but there is a loneliness to knowing I am the one who will be responsible for every pre-op form, every post-op update, every aftercare instruction.

    And though I have experienced much thus far in this medical realm, advocating as the daughter, this does not mean I am prepared for what is next. I am not prepared, but I will go and do my best again while leaning on my village to seek information, guidance, and support.

  • June 19, 2025

    Compassion Fatigue

    This reality will certainly warrant a number of posts to do it justice, but I wanted to acknowledge hearing some compassion fatigue from some of the medical professionals we have interacted with lately. I know it’s epidemic at this point due to so very many relevant factors and that everyone must have heard of it by now. However, I am wondering if we are seeking to find adequate solutions.

    So I have experienced Compassion Fatigue at times in my work as well as in my personal life as a sandwiched adult with both the top and bottom bread in the same household with me. And I heard it last week in the voice of the case worker in charge of the ED at the big hospital when I called upon her to assist me with getting Mom discharged from the ED before we reached the second midnight.

    For me personally as the daughter of a patient who has been in and out of the hospital every few weeks or less starting exactly 8 months ago today, it’s been, and continues to be quite the journey. Last week when I realized we could pick Mom up while she was still under the care of the ED in time for her not to lose the 3 weeks she put together at home (now she has 4!) I was making some pretty passionate phone calls advocating for this to happen. I was calling from a noisy place and ended up in tears while explaining everything to the ED’s case worker after already explaining it all to the Utilization Review Specialist and the bedside nurse. I just began to cry from a place of overwhelm and from that place of daring to hope while also managing those expectations. The case worker sounded cold and matter-of-fact. She helped, but it felt very clear to me that she had heard too many crocodile tears in her time and did not hear mine as any different.

    Today I was chatting with someone who is a close friend of mine who is a provider who worked many years ago in an ED far away from here. This person still works in the medical field, but the day to day is very different these days. And this friend shared that there probably are more genuine individuals such as myself who really have been through a lot with their loved ones and truly do need more empathy than we are getting. However, this individual shared something said frequently in the past during a time when there was quite a bit of med-seeking, exaggerated symptoms, and other manipulation on the part of patients in this person’s work life, coming into that ED back then. “I must have left my compassion at home on the kitchen table.” And before anyone judges this individual who is an excellent provider and has a lot of compassion for true needs, I put this here as something for us to think about. I have challenged providers who have not taken care to do their jobs well. I have elevated some concerns to supervisors during these last 8 months and I continue to do so because all of the patients, especially those who have no one to advocate for them deserve ongoing improvements to their care. But I want us all to take some time to think about what medical staff deal with each day and how those experiences accumulate and pile on and can lead to Burnout and to Compassion Fatigue.

    May it become easier and easier and more and more affordable for those caring for others to get the support they need from mental healthcare to respite care to case workers who explain important concepts to patients and families effectively. When life gives them lemons, may they be able to cry into something other than the hospital tissues and find a way to recharge so that they may continue to provide the level of care and compassion that their jobs require. And may we as the caregivers and advocates recharge effectively as well.