Sandwiched Support

Tag: family

  • It’s fine, I’m fine, Everything is fine

    Sandwich Generation life took over over the holidays between all 8 of us getting the flu over our Christmas break and New Year’s, one after another after another. Thankfully we had our vaccinations but it was still yucky and ugly. I told myself I was going to be able to do this blog daily. Then I told myself I was going to be able to catch up all of the daily posts I missed starting in October and add photos and then starting with making the Trick or Treat magic for the neighborhood with an amazing fellow neighborhood mom and then getting everything ready for the holiday season this fell off the list. But isn’t that just the epitome of Sandwich Generation life. I am hoping to shift to once weekly consistently now in 2026 starting with today.

    Thrilled that Mom’s first knee replacement surgery is February 2nd but we still had to not only go to a surgery scheduling appointment with the surgeon’s PA to choose which knee to start with and discuss the surgery, but also had to have a Clear for Surgery appointment with the PCP, and another one with the Cardiologist. And as if that weren’t enough an NP at the surgeon’s office had to see Mom a month prior to surgery to clear her when we were just at the PCP three days before that and at the cardiologist 3 days before the PCP. Simply cannot help but think that there are too many cooks in the clearance kitchen and everyone wants a piece of the billing pie. She’s high risk in certain ways, but that last checkup with the NP when she had just seen her PCP took the overkill cake for me. I am the Sandwiched accompanying uber driver and appointment advocate and when I can’t schedule my own clients I don’t get paid. But yeah, let’s have an NP take up our time checking on Mom when a physician plus a specialist’s office just checked her within the past week.

    One of my awesome bosses gifted me some dumpster fire socks and I am still looking forward to finding a time to put my feet up so the sock bottoms can be read by others “It’s Fine, I’m Fine, Everything is Fine.”

  • October 9, 2025

    Tis the Season

    When Mom entered the hospital a year ago for emergent surgery (which led to nearly a year of complications at the little hospital before a seemingly successful surgery in September has provided significant relief and hopefully has solved the problem) I lost what little control I was getting of our already cluttered new-to-us home. When my parents sold their home and we sold ours 4 years ago and moved into one house I almost single-handedly cleared years of clutter (things Mom hoped to use again) out of my parents’ home. But then as we combined what we kept we realized we did not quite purge enough stuff along the way and 4 years later after a year of almost constant advocating for better care for Mom, there is a serious clutter explosion lining the sides of one basement room, piled in a basement storage room, covering the one side of our bedroom, choking our dining room, and don’t ask about the attic and one section of the garage. I use A Lot of the stuff but rarely have a minute to put it away rather than putting it down.

    So now we’ve entered the season of celebrating it all! We are counting our blessings and almost ALL of this holiday themed cheer from Halloween to Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year’s, but honestly I am already exhausted from the trunk or treat I organized and moving through crowds at the Halloween Parade and there’s work and youth sports and plenty of ongoing outpatient appointments for both of my parents. So far I have two little Halloween signs set out around the mess and a Falk wreath on the door. I tend to go ALL OUT and love to, but these days it’s like I just don’t have the bandwidth.

    We just got our pumpkins out by the front door next to the doormat that says “Sunshine Vibes”. Maybe I’ll get the “Trick or Treat“ mat out by Friday, maybe not. But I do know that I have to clean up the dining room before the end of November (trust me there is very little margin to get this done and it will happen at the sacrifice of plenty of my sleep) and the Christmas shopping already began after Christmas last year because I’ll nearly single handedly be bringing all of the magic like I do every year. And I wouldn’t mind if that was all there was to do but, that’s the furthest thing from the case.

  • October 8, 2025

    The Why

    I have been talking with clients, particularly my college student clients who are questioning their life choices when midterms hit, about their “Why”. For them I point to my degrees and licenses on the wall of my office and tell them that I have been where they are and that though they must lock in now and grind it out when it’s difficult, if I did it, so can they.

    I have been struggling with it all. The mental load of this sandwiched situation, the inadequate support, the significant need for advocacy on my part to fill significant gaps in systems that I seem to pay quite a bit into in taxes and the insurance payments are astounding. It still makes me weak in the knees when I think of all who are doing this with fewer resources than I have and I try not to verbally express frustration when some more privileged than we are mention paying out of pocket for resources that we will likely never be able to afford.

    But as I sit in this idyllic setting where our children are privileged to play soccer on a beautifully manicured field surrounded by brilliant fall colors and scenic farmland. And as I watch my healthy daughter run freely with the ball it is the ideal moment to practice gratitude for the health most of our household is experiencing now and the strides we have made. I am grateful for the medical care we do have available, even as I want to challenge us to be provide better. I am grateful that my children have a wonderful school district in an amazing community and that we can raise them in a healthy place where a variety of activities are available for their enjoyment and enrichment. And when I remember that everything I do is for family and that my children are thriving it reminds me Why I work this hard burning the candle at both ends.

    I truly care about my parents and about my children and my family as a whole and doing everything I can to give them the best life possible as far as it depends on the choices I make. I received this text from a dear friend who I respect very much. The whole text made my day, this part in particular:

    “You are a warrior and take such good care of your family. Remember to take care of yourself too.”

    As I walk this long winding road in this season of life and step up as a warrior for the cause of my family each day, I haven’t yet found the best way to also take care of myself. Yet is one of my favorite words though, I know I can and will learn at some point. But for now I am focusing on the “Why” for getting up early and getting to bed late so that I can keep it all going in this season for those who count on me. They matter so much to me and they are my Why.

  • October 6, 2025

    Something’s Gotta Give

    When sandwiched Mom/Adult Daughter is not feeling well, work (as a contractor at one job and a part-time employee at the other there is NO paid sick time, NO paid vacation time, and there are NO benefits so if I don’t show up and work I don’t get paid AT ALL) doesn’t stop, the kids’ needs don’t stop, the parents’ needs don’t stop, and the mess waiting for me doesn’t stop a bit either. So we, the sandwiched primary parents who are also only children of the aging (or whatever the situation is for you) rarely find a break. And something has to give and it’s been this blog. Playing catch up right now, but it might turn into once weekly posting if I fall too far behind. There are “life hacks” that cost me money, but they’re worth it. I have someone cleaning a portion of my house each week for 4 hours a week, I pay for grocery delivery from a chain store and a big box retailer, and plenty of packages with everything from toiletries to household goods to pharmacy health-related items to the gift I need for the weekend land by my front door. Then I hit up consignment sales and stores for all things pre-owned in the toy, clothing, shoe, and home decor categories to save money while living as well as we can. We like the name brand things too, but we typically live with them used and then sell them to consignment when all kiddos have grown out of them or we donate at various places. I rarely get to schedule my own appointments with my “hairapist” and my own therapist and time to connect with friends is becoming more and more rare unless that friend happens to be at a community activity that involves one of my children or something with our church where we are participating or volunteering. If I will already be there showing up where we are already committed on the calendar, we might get to chat. My texting thumbs are incredibly speedy and I am blogging on my phone with them while at my son’s soccer practice after zipping over here from my daughter’s parent/teacher conference which I raced to after hurrying home from work and stopping quickly in my driveway to pick up two of my sons (one to go to soccer practice and the older one to be his chaperone while my husband and I were at our daughter’s conference). And I had to pick up my sons because I let something (heaven-forbid) drop from my mental load and forgot to ask my mom-in-law to cover soccer. So I had to cover it. I promise my husband wasn’t volunteering to ask his mom for help or to help get my son to soccer. He did however tell me I would be cutting it close, which I was, arrived 3 minutes before conference time and got upstairs in the school to the classroom just in time. Thankfully the teacher had stepped out for a bathroom break so us showing up in the nick of time was beautifully anticlimactic. I got it all done again, while recovering from what I still don’t know and finishing up my period and another day I will tell you about ALL the kin-keeping I was doing at the same time plus all of the regular Mom of 4 and busy Adult daughter of two live-in aging parent stuff. Is this really all meant to be one WOMAN’s job?

  • October 4, 2025

    Resting on the move

    On Saturday, the day the post is dated for, I kept plans with two close friends from practically forever who I don’t see often enough and live a couple of hours from. In some ways I didn’t feel well enough to go, but we each brought along our youngest (all daughters) to meet about halfway between us and spend the day at a place that is a well-oiled machine for kids to have a BLAST and parents to (mostly) relax and enjoy in an outdoor activity farm setting.

    I had had my symptoms for like 2 1/2 weeks by then and it didn’t appear that I had gotten anyone else sick and also I had been on antibiotics since that Wednesday morning and steroids for a lot longer and things seemed somewhat better.

    I decided to go while not super well because I was on the high dose steroid and getting into the thick of the antibiotics then and during the days I was on my feet or sitting in a chair or car doing everything I normally do (because no one is filling in for me as a woman in the thick of the sandwich generation season of life). I mean I was avoiding lifting bins or anything heavier housework- wise and then later in the evening I was getting to bed earlier.

    But having my two youngest kids home on a Saturday together without any help to entertain them is not at all restful so I think the best idea was to go to a super fun place with just my daughter to meet friends and play and to have chatting therapy with my friends.

    It turned out to be the best plan! One of my friends is battling an ongoing challenging health issue and we all enjoyed moseying, sitting, rocking, and finding shade while the kids enjoyed unlimited admission bracelet fun for 6 straight hours. They were happy and in sight and we got to just breathe and catch up.

    In this stage of life for all of us there are many (different but similar) very real reasons why we might not have been able to reschedule anytime soon. Talking with your people about similar life challenges is truly a light in what can feel like a very dark and heavy time.

    If you’re on your feet at home it can help to take at least one kiddo and go where there’s fun, where there’s amazing people you miss often, and where you can mostly sit where you are not feeling the piles of laundry staring at you.

  • September 29, 2025

    This morning I rushed from my early client session to log my mom onto this call that the rehab she was just in for post-surgery PT and OT (associated with the big hospital) wanted to have with her. It was short, involved a bunch of cover-their-butt questions and what I heard of it involved things Mom definitely already knew.

    I’m sure they have all kinds of different patients they follow up with and I’m also sure not everyone has the same support at home as Mom does so maybe these calls are more helpful for others.

    But the call was scheduled for 9 AM and this call center representative in another state was calling me several minutes ahead of time insisting that we log on and then the nurse was right there several minutes beforehand and rushing as though we were behind…seeming to want to get through it quickly….appearing a little annoyed when Mom was still finishing up in the bathroom and we weren’t 100 percent ready to have her on camera Ahead of the appointment time.

    So maybe this is better than the endless waiting we have experienced, especially on telemedicine calls, because the provider is overbooked and late. But this didn’t feel awesome either. I barely got down the stairs to Mom’s room and the call center lady was telling me to just click the link while I was getting down the stairs. There’s impatience there

    There must be quotas and overbooking and an understaffed, overworked situation. Not great.

    Better than not having it at all? It’s a toss up for us because it didn’t really help and it was an extra annoyance, but also we have learned that if the patient declines anything for any reason it goes down in the chart (almost always without a reason specified) as a refusal and refusals in your past count against you as you are trying to get into rehab in the future.

    And we hope Mom can get her knees replaced in the not too distant future. And we want to get into our favorite rehabs.

    So we better hustle down the stairs and out of the bathroom and onto that follow up video call so the rehab can check their boxes, document that they checked on us (in this case almost completely without added value for the patient, not gonna lie), and make sure they get and stay paid.

    Nothing wrong with it per se, but there are some different things going on these days that are not entirely without a sense of weird “over-the-top-ness” in my opinion. Wish I could get clear reasoning from those in power regarding them.

    Another example is that when we call with a medical question the bill looks a lot like they are saying it was a session. A little borderline questionable at times with the wording on the bill. I’m sure the codes are legit and show that it was a phone call in but some of those calls were QUITE brief and yielded very limited results but the language on the bill seems to describe them as though they are an in-depth service of significant value. Maybe sometimes? But sometimes I was the family member on the other end of that call in to the provider’s office and certainly didn’t speak to the provider. Someone got a message back to the provider and got back to us but we didn’t really have a telephone session. Just saying.

  • September 28, 2025

    Looking at the Week Ahead

    It’s a season where I am already overwhelmed on a Sunday night just looking at my week ahead with some manner of dread. A lot of weeks are like this but not all. Last week I was able to get coffee with two dear friends and we are aiming for once monthly and are so far two for two.

    But tomorrow I work and then I get Mom on an online appointment and then I head to two back to back appointment that I am fitting in to attend them in person for me. Then two additional online clients and then running kiddos to their evening activities. 2 kiddos out of 4 have something tomorrow evening so it’s not a super heavy load where we need to ask my Mom-in-law to be the third driver. Phew! She’s out of state visiting my sister-in-law and her family.

    Then it’s work outside the home the next two days with quick dinners and the evening rush and then Thursday I have client from home and doctors’ appointments for Dad and Mom to and Friday has more appointments for Mom.

    I am planning to watch a show online and spend a little time on social media and also try to get a decent night’s sleep while I’m not feeling my best.

    It’s A LOT right now while sandwiched. A whole lot.

  • September 24, 2025

    Pushing Through Anyway

    I haven’t been feeling well this week, but I’m sandwiched daughter and mom. There is really no one to fill in for me without rearranging or canceling plenty and without a TON of favors being asked likely of other moms who either don’t work outside of the home or work from home. Quite frankly unless I am completely incapacitated with a stomach virus that won’t quit I don’t want to take the time and energy to ask multiple people for help with ALL that I do for my family each week. Text after text to try to find the right person who happens to be free and willing to do each thing honestly ends up being a lot and quite frankly it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t return the favor later. And it’s not that I don’t want to help them out, it’s only fair and these individuals are friends and relatives and fellow sandwiched moms in solidarity, it’s just that I already feel like I don’t have the bandwidth to keep up with my own family’s needs and wants. And I know they feel the same way. So just like people show up to work sick, Moms do that too except we don’t get a real restful break unless someone chooses to step up to take something off of our plates and between the meal prep, the appointments, the running kids to activities, the housework, the laundry, and the childcare, homework support, and support of aging loved ones, no one is willing to take it all on. Lightening the load of a member of the sandwiched generation is absolutely a thing and it is greatly appreciated, but truly there is no one who is really taking it all on for even one day. Sometimes a husband takes on putting out the “fires” of what’s needed to get his children through the day or a mom-in-law runs the kids to everything, makes lunch and dinner, and puts in a load of laundry, but it is a rarity that coverage does not leave plenty for the primary sandwiched adult to catch up on once well.

    A comparison can be made here to any job, but truly there is no comparison to the number of items on the primary caregiver/sandwiched adult’s list. And so very many categories leaving “tabs” open in the brain.

    A visit to urgent care or a nap or a trip to pick up a medication is carefully considered and life juggled to fit it in with everything else. And boy do we ever try not to loop in someone else. Instead sleep is lost, meals are skipped, and we do the next thing while the laundry and dust bunnies collect and multiply.

  • September 23, 2025

    Outside Texting In

    You would think I would simply be grateful and I am grateful, but it’s complicated! Mom is home doing well on small amounts of soft foods right now and so far it’s been a good day with me wrapping up at work outside of the home today and Dad holding down the fort at home. He grocery shopped and has helped Mom care for our family dog who hasn’t been feeling the greatest lately (she does show improvements though).

    But late morning today at work I missed a call from our church prayer chain where a recorded message is sent out on a call line and plays repeatedly until you hang up so that you can get all of the information. It’s a great resource so that those who want to pray know how they can do that for someone who is in need (frequent prayer requests are for medical needs and concerns and losses of loved ones and anyone at church can ask for prayer for anyone in the community, sometimes using last names, sometimes not). Very soon after I saw that I had missed the prayer chain call and didn’t get to the voicemail before my mom-in-law texted me that a close extended family member on my husband’s side of the family had a major medical event happen to him earlier today.

    Certainly others have had things happen medically other than Mom recently, but not a lot of family has had something this major that needed immediate surgery at least not that my worried brain is remembering at the moment, since Mom’s initial emergent surgery about a year ago. We do know of medical conditions and treatments that are ongoing for several family members, many of them due to serious medical conditions, but to my knowledge all of those individuals are currently stable at home.

    So lately I have been the medical advocate, the closest family member of the patient, the one hurrying into the hospital on repeat and texting everyone else urgent questions and regular updates. Today I am the friend who also happens to be a relative as two of this man’s daughter-in-laws are my very close friends who I have done a lot of life with. They have been neighbors at one time, part of the church we regularly attend, part of moms’ groups I was part of when my kids were little, part of my baby showers (one was at my wedding shower and played violin at our wedding). We have been friends for decades. One of them was at college with my husband and I, another had me in her wedding. And I am texting them today trying not to intrude, but communicating love, support, and encouragement fully from a small distance.

    I’ve assured them as they assured me when I was going through something similar (but not exactly because I cannot know what this specific situation is like for them) that I will come pick up their kids when they need me, that I have no specific expectations of when they will contact me back if at all, and that I am praying for their family member and am here for them.

    This extended family member is wonderful and truly loved as is his caring and compassionate wife. They lost their youngest son in a terrible accident years ago when we were in college and have been through so very much already and never lost their beautiful faith. They are a true example of loving parents and grandparents and loving people who serve those they care about and the community so selflessly.

    Lately I have been the one sitting by the patient’s bedside texting away to receive support and answers from knowledgeable others. The daughter-in-laws are both nurses and have often been two of my go-to medical people I know who I can go to with questions about Mom.

    Now I sit at my desk in my office with everything caught up waiting to see if I’ll have a walk-in appointment pop up before I leave for the day. And really all I can think about is that the man who married us 20 years ago, the man who we asked to provide baptism for all four of our children, and the man who has a very distinct voice and personality and who can talk to everyone with a focus and a sense of encouragement showing that that person really matters to him is having major surgery and I am waiting away from the hospital. I am not in this waiting room this time.

    I am on the outside of this one, texting in. And I can barely contain my prayers and my questions. And I can hardly remain in my seat. And I know that no matter what happens that it has been and continues to be nothing but the utmost blessing and privilege to know this family member and both the family he comes from and the family he and his wife have built together.

  • September 22, 2025

    I brought Mom home from the big hospital’s rehab today. It was a quick run up and back with a full afternoon of online clients and evening activities for the kids ahead. We did not have a big reunion as she was ready to head through the door into the suite she and Dad share. Each kiddo did go in and greet and spend time with her, but the mamarazzi wasn’t there this time. At this point we are deeply grateful while also on the edge of our seats praying that as far as this medical journey goes (this one that started last October 19th) maybe we will wrap it up before a year. She was rehospitalized again last week Monday-Wednesday and was able to return to the rehab at that time with planned discharge home today with home health nursing, PT, and OT starting Wednesday of this week.

    It feels a little like Groundhog Day kind of in the worst way while also allowing for very cautious optimism because there has not been a post-surgery blockage.

    We’ll take it, but it’s also true that We’ll take it from here. Some progress takes place more smoothly at home and we are hopeful that that will be true for Mom.

    Practicing acceptance that recovery and healing is rarely linear.