Sandwiched Support

Tag: family

  • July 29, 2025

    If I’m Not Right There

    I know many of you understand this with regard to your children. If you’re not right there, they don’t follow through with the chore. If you’re not right there they are on their screens instead of focusing on homework. If you’re not right there, they’re often fighting with one another and then blaming everyone else in the room when someone gets hurt.

    But I didn’t consider how, when sandwiched, this would work with my aging parents. I did what I thought was “it all” before leaving for a two week summer trip with my husband and four children and not only had I forgotten to reschedule one appointment I had scheduled for Mom (while also forgetting to return the library books on time), I managed to let something else slip through the cracks. I assumed Mom would handle logging onto a telehealth appointment with a GI provider (specially trained with nutritional expertise) on her own. She has logged in on her own before, but only with the small hospital system’s portal. This would be her first time with the larger hospital system’s online appointment log in.

    Somehow she never got the email with the link the first time. Of course the call to schedule the appointment came while I was driving my car and already feeling sick and having fled the pharmacy where I had just scooted out of line the other day because I spotted someone I wasn’t expecting to be there I was not in a place to make small talk with that person at that time. But that’s another story. Anyway, all of that had happened and I was driving my son to the library and got the call to set up this appointment. I explained that Mom is aging and she prefers that I schedule her appointment so the number they have on file is mine. I then explained that I would be traveling in a different time zone during the appointment and that they needed to send the link to the appointment to Mom’s email address, which I gave them.

    The Thursday appointment while I was traveling came and went and Mom says she never saw the link in her email. I called to reschedule and apparently they had already spoken to her and rescheduled for the following Thursday right around the same time. I acknowledged the scheduled appointment and again stated that at that time I would still be traveling in another time zone and they said that this time they were going to text her the link because when they email it it sometimes goes into people’s SPAM folders. Ok, so why didn’t you offer us the text option to begin with? I did not ask this aloud.

    So I was assured that all was well, that they had prepared Mom to log in on her phone when they texted her the link, and I reminded her myself. But guess what we received in the mail today? A letter stating that she now missed two appointments and if she misses a third she will be dismissed as a patient. Great. I should have wondered when I asked the woman I spoke to if there was going to be another phone call reminding us of the appointment and she said, no, that she was going to put the information in the system, and then I got a call from them a couple of days later asking for Mom and stating they were confirming the telehealth appointment. I responded that the appointment was confirmed and that she would log on if they text the link to her. I confirmed her number.

    If I’m not right there this is what happens. It just doesn’t get done. And now I have another appointment to call about to reschedule. Add it to the list.

  • July 28, 2025

    Enough

    I took my dad to a 6:30 am EKG this morning after getting home last evening from our two week trip with the kids. Did one load of laundry and spent my breakfast being the listening ear my dad needed. Called the pedi office to see if I can bring my daughter, who has been sick on and off with cold symptoms for a few weeks and now has quite a cough, to see if I can bring her along to be seen there while I brought my teen son for his wellness check up or before or after. My son’s appointment was at 9:40 AM, not one of the popular timeslots before or after parents’ work days. But they could not get her in.

    Thankfully both early morning appointments went well and brought helpful results. But then I had to head back out with my daughter to urgent care for a sick visit. They were helpful but it took me right up to zipping home to get there in the nick of time for my first client and the other three today

    My fifteen year old got everyone lunch while I worked, but by the time I was done it was time to pop dozen pizzas in the oven and open fruit and veggie trays and call it dinner as my husband made his way home.

    As I skipped preheating and hoped for the best as usual, I called my husband and vented about how I felt I got nothing done today because I didn’t unpack, I barely did laundry, and picking up around here escaped me as it often does. My husband was on point today and reminded me that I took loved ones to 3 doctors and saw 4 clients and that that’s a 7 hour day alone right there not to mention the drives, chores, and being there for all 4 of my children and both of my parents in different ways.

    It’s enough, but there’s not enough of me to go around. And I’m sandwiched and each day brings many challenges with opportunities right now.

  • July 25, 2025

    Fun Fact about the Founder and Family

    I know I am not the first to mention this issue, but I have sadly reached the age where I sleep with a certain arrangement of pillows because without them I frequently wake up feeling like I’m in traction. And these days calls are becoming more frequent from my parents when I have already headed to bed that lead to me getting up and going downstairs to deal with a need. It reminds me of when I had newborns and honestly, I know it can get much more frequent and a lot worse.

    It’s almost time to go home, but we are traveling on an adventure with our kids that is taking us many places back to back to back and has also led us to stay at a number of different places and to sleep in a series of different borrower beds.

    Flying does not easily allow for packing a pile of pillows so I have been trying to recreate my pillow pile to no avail. And every single morning on this trip without exception I wake up literally hours before I need to be awake finding that I need to get up right away because of new levels of the discomfort. Without the skillful arrangement of the aforementioned pillows and without a mattress similar to mine at home, I know I am planning to be up early and often throughout the night.

    Shout out to just the right pillows and, while we’re at it, to the best mattresses too! The primary caregivers and advocates need our rest and find it frequently disrupted or tough to come by due to other priorities and responsibilities (both expected and unexpected). When we lose we are very unlikely to get a chance to rest another time soon afterward.

    When you don’t get to sleep because of meeting another person’s needs it’s an amazing selfless act, but at the same time, it can take a significant toll. May the sandwiched and all caregivers and advocates find ways to get the very best sleep when we have time for it.

  • July 24, 2025

    The Keeper

    We checked into a hotel with an indoor water park in or at and our boys were already having the time of their lives with their dad on the big water slides while I, Mom, was holding everyone’s shoes and a big bag of things we thought we might need as there was no available table or chair in sight and we try to avoid at least some of the extra fees like the locker fee.

    Then this amazing fellow mom, a complete stranger, waived me over and said it was just her at her table and I was welcome to sit there. Perfect for keeping an eye on my daughter in the play areas for younger kiddos- front row seat.

    Then my husband (after going to the rental vehicle to locate our second son’s second croc) brought me more to hold and then asked “aren’t you going in?” He felt it was fine to just leave our stuff including cell phones and i wasn’t comfortable with that without a locker. Plus the other mom at the table had gotten up to get a double tube for our daughter and her daughter to ride around together and I didn’t want to leave her stuff unattended.

    Like a living coat rack my children have been hanging things on me or placing them in my hands since they could crawl and the load has only gotten heavier when there’s things to do. It seems to come with the territory that Mom is to hold this, watch this, do this and in many ways it’s a special honor, until the expectations overwhelm and the literal weight of things pile up. Sometimes it really is just a lot.

    Very thankful for other moms who jump in to ease my four ring circus sometimes in a pinch when it feels like even with my husband and I there’s not enough parenting, refereeing, and overseeing to go around.

    It felt nice to be able to just sit in this extra chair this evening as we’ll be doing plenty more over the weekend and because at home Mom has been handing me her things for years as well.

    If you’re a caregiver, I see you. If you feel like a human coat rack; I’m right there with you. And if you’re sandwiched and your parents or older loved ones are now placing their things in your hands in more ways than one; you’re not alone.

  • July 23, 2025

    Taken Care of in a Timely Manner

    Yesterday I found it concerning that when I finally called the right number for Medicare and asked about whether or not Mom’s new benefit period began now that she has been home (with no additional inpatient admissions) for over 60 days as required for her plan to reinstate a new series of available Medicare Part A days.

    The representative I spoke with yesterday seemed more knowledgeable and professional than some others I have spoken with in the past and she was able to tell me that her view of the system shows that Mom’s days should have come back now (other than those 60 lifetime days which never come back) given that I did understand correctly that she has been home for more than 60 days.

    However, this helpful representative admitted that though Mom should be in a new benefit period as of a few days back, the system does not show the availability of the new days on her end.

    Ok, so I am of course glad at this point that this representative is confirming for me what we suspected that Mom FINALLY was able to stay home for 60 plus days in a row without any inpatient admissions and her Part A benefits are returning in time for an upcoming surgery that is scheduled for Monday at the big hospital.

    So I explained to the helpful representative that the surgery is supposed to be first thing next week and I would like to confirm that her Part A benefits are reinstated now for a new benefits period as she has met the requirements. The helpful representative replied that she was escalating this to what I believe she called a “senior specialist”. She assured me that she was writing a thorough explanation of my question and the reasons for my question and I believe that she did. t

    Here’s what led me to feeling concerned yesterday. The helpful representative told me that the senior specialist had 7 business days to return my call. 7 business days?! It was Tuesday and the surgery was Monday!

    I expressed this concern to the helpful representative and she said that I could call Mom’s surgeon’s office and encourage them to call the provider line for confirmation.

    Seriously, how are patients, especially Seniors, doing all of this without someone advocating for them through plenty of inefficient steps?

    I thanked her and asked for her name. She gave it to me and I asked for her extension. She said she doesn’t have an extension or a call back number and I can just call the main number back and explain all of this again if the senior specialist does not return my call before the 7 business day window.

    Not an ideal option, but grateful to know that’s the way it is for future reference. So yesterday I called the big hospital’s outpatient surgery office and explained everything about the potential billing concerns if the new benefits period is not clearly started in the system. The woman who answered the phone listened to my whole explanation and then had to transfer me to a woman in the billing department whose voicemail answered my call. I explained everything yesterday on her voicemail and have not received a return call from her.

    It seems, this time, that all is working out for Mom. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled that the senior specialist returned my call today and I was available to answer right away! She couldn’t have been nicer and did confirm that Mom’s Part A is in a new benefit period as of a few days ago when Mom made it to 60 days at home without an inpatient admission during that time.

    Thankful to have that verbal confirmation and when we got disconnected because I am traveling and was on the road when she called, she called back and left a message trying to finish our call. Very kind of her to call back! Unfortunately I didn’t have reception and her message stated that I would just have to call the main number back again. No direct number or extension to call her back and finish our call.

    Grateful that I got what I needed at this time, but quite frankly I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  • July 15, 2025

    Rain Storms

    There has been so much rain in our area back home lately that some of the local parks have had to close or make modifications to the hike program we love due to heavy mud or down trees. Our swimming instructor sent an email that their pool, basement, and street had taken on so much water and were such a mess that our being away on vacation isn’t the only reason our daughter didn’t have swimming lessons today. Challenging weather comes and goes and can certainly be unpredictable from surprise storms to states of emergency, the worst does happen sometimes and we do not know when.

    Today we had the privilege of being part of a river rafting experience, mild when it came to rapids, but packed with the beauty of nature and the friendly hospitality. The experience was rain or shine and after a pleasant initial half hour the downpour that both weather apps and clouds in the sky told us to expect began. Delightfully the kids laughed through almost the entire experience as I ended up hunched over, protecting the cell phones in a bag close to me. And then some hail pounded down as well and all the while we continued to float along. Time didn’t stop and we were in the thick of the experience without a pause or a stop. Ponchos were offered to us by our guide (who was fantastic!), but we chose to persevere without. As I waited for what ended up being two rounds of storms to pass, I watched the delicate raindrops dance on the water and remarked at how beautiful they looked hitting the river.

    Watching those raindrops was quite grounding for me in those moments, as was the laughter and relaxed chatter between my children. On a day when I had to make a call to a family member’s doctors, regarding some test results, while navigating spotty cell reception as we traveled, this was a valuable pause. As the weather intruded upon our tour, a glimpse of peaceful, mindful radical acceptance and refocus came into play and provided the pause I needed to keep going.

    May we the sandwiched find that pause as we navigate each additional challenge that arises and may we always be able to see beauty in small and big ways while we keep going.

  • July 14, 2025

    In Order to Go Away

    It’s worked out last summer and this summer that my husband and I have taken our four children on a trip for two weeks straight. We have other mini getaways here and there to much closer places maybe once a quarter and honestly most of the time those are just me with the kids for a night exploring a kid-friendly place.

    In order to do that as a sandwiched primary support person it 100 percent takes a village. Now I admit I am still in a phase where I am extremely fortunate. Though I am an only child (so there is literally no one to which I can volley the parent ball that I have in the air) my parents were willing to move in with my family of 6 and our golden doodle 4 years ago. They moved about two hours away from the county Mom lived in her entire life and where Dad lived since they were married. We sold two houses and bought one that fits all of us together. So when we go away they just stay at the family home in their routine. And for now, Dad is still making their meals (though it’s pretty simple at the moment because Mom’s on a liquid diet awaiting surgery at the big hospital the day after we get back from this trip and many days he accepts our invitation to just join us in enjoying what I made or what my husband made). Dad is able to let our dog in and out to keep her in her routine, to get her food and water, and to give her her medicine. Mom is able to (and loves to) give the dog plenty of attention and brushes her while she sits obediently every day.

    We have a list of phone numbers on the inside of a cabinet door for issues that may come up (plumber, electrician, HVAC, etc, along with some phone numbers for closest neighbors who are wonderful). But as wonderful as they are our neighbors are Understandably busy with their own lives, families, retirement traveling, personal health concerns, and the list goes on. Many have volunteered to help as needed and some definitely have helped with things here and there in the past, but our closer village includes our local close friends. So 7 different couples, my in-laws, and the woman who cleans for us are taking two days each “on call” for if something comes up. I rearranged all of Mom and Dad’s appointments (except one which is over telehealth and would be considered helpful, but not urgent) to make sure there is nothing going on during these two weeks out of their normal routine which includes Dad’s typical errands. Dear friends are taking care of some chores in our absence and the on-call friends agree to either 48 hours straight where they are the ones to call (after us of course!) if something arises (or a few people are taking two single days separated based on availability). Last year Mom and Dad did not have to call anyone except us. We are hopeful that it will remain this way.

    We have been truly blessed by the ability to have home health come in on a temporary basis when needed and to utilize short term rehab facilities on a temporary basis for Mom. We have not yet had to privately hire respite caregivers, part-time caregivers, or full-time care-givers. I’ve talked to close friends and family members and the name of one agency keeps coming up as a trusted one, but I cringe every time I think about having to have strangers come into our home to provide help and care. I have already provided some direct care for Mom and I am not opposed to doing so again. But I know that as the only child I will not be able to provide that care around the clock. I imagine the first step will be respite support while my family vacations the next time, unless Mom is in a condition to travel with us which we have done sometimes in the past when renting a house or condo unit or cabin. I cannot imagine what the process of choosing a person or group of people to provide this care will look like and feel like. It’s almost enough to make me want to stay home.

    But I enjoy getting away, I have young children and need to live their lives with them too, and my life does not feel complete without my work. I have sought and continue to seek the best possible balance, sustaining a juggling act for the record books. But as my therapist tells me, it’s not sustainable as it is. There will be changes that are out of my comfort zone. We will need more help, very likely before next summer’s longer travel. We will see how it all works out. Maybe next summer it will make sense to bring them along. Maybe it will prove possible to temporarily hire someone we know and trust to provide meal support, reassurance, and help with chores if we do not need direct care for Mom and Dad at that time.

    Maybe it will work out better than I could have imagined. We will find a way to manage that we can make work out for the 8 of us and our favorite dog too.

  • July 11, 2025

    No Sick Days

    When you’re sandwiched, there simply are no sick days, at list not without getting others (likely multiple others) to accommodate said sick days. This morning the provider at urgent care found red throats for Dad and I and a very red infected ear for me in addition to sinus infections and we headed home with prescriptions for antibiotics.

    However, while Dad came home to his awaiting bed (I will say that he grabbed Mom’s protein drink first and got up to make her soup at lunchtime), I came home to more outstanding work paperwork, packing, meal prep, laundry, and errands. My decision to head out right before noon to pick up my prescription and get my 12 year old to the library was questionable because, as I soon realized, everyone was out at that time. The drive thru was packed and someone I just couldn’t handle talking to while sick was in the inside line so did a 180 out of line and headed to the car to move onto the library, sans prescription.

    As I was pulling out of the pharmacy parking lot to satisfy my son’s need to read Anthony Horowitz, another medical call came in to get Mom scheduled for the appointment for the gastroenterology provider from the big hospital system who does apparently know about nutrition. I had the wherewithal to tell the caller I was driving and I needed her to pause while I merged and she was very nice and accommodating, but I scheduled that appointment, drove to the library, and came home to just keep swimming.

    Thankfully I had a virtual therapy session for myself today at just the right time after losing patience with the kids and simmering with self-loathing over my limits. Post therapy I self-reflective, but also self-compassionate and going to bed very early after taking my antibiotics and leaning on my husband to take care of bed time for our youngest kiddos. Now hopefully it’s a quiet evening in Mom and Dad’s suite or the cell will be ringing.

    There truly isn’t sick time while sandwiched. There is no relief for the primary caregivers and advocates, the sandwiched, Unless and Until someone chooses to provide backup. It’s a season without clocking out, sun up to sun down.

  • July 10, 2025

    He’s Driving

    Still in the thick of Packing Prison as we have airline tickets and that means that there’s no margin if we don’t leave on time and there’s also no margin for shoving in some extras around everything else in our large SUV. It has to fit in the bags for the plane. And for me, the maximalist, this is my Everest.

    Super used to having plenty of room for way too many outfits, all of the bells, whistles, extras, and even the kitchen sink plus little gifts to keep the kiddos entertained in the vehicle. We will head to a local familiar chain store when we reach our destination and figure it out, but there’s just nothing like taking everything you wanted to take and then some. I will admit that I rarely if Ever have used everything I’ve packed in the past and this is a go, go, go adventure trip and all of the kids will have options for some screentime for long drives.

    But as I type this and get ready to head to the laundry room to move a load over and put in yet another load after having the kids ALL day (ran to one child’s camp, saw online clients, completed documentation, made simple meals though my husband did warm up an easy dinner, took the kids on a short hike and to the pool with friends, answered a million questions and dried tears ALL before my husband got home from work) I noticed that it is this dark in our bedroom (I stopped in there to fill the toilet paper rack in our bathroom with new rolls after shushing the kids for the 100th time and mentioning consequences to get them back into their rooms) but my husband is lying in bed all tucked in where he has been since around 9:30 PM when he insisted he couldn’t do anything else but go right to bed because he isn’t feeling well, with his headphones in watching an action movie on his phone. I often watch something long after I should be asleep (more on that another time), but I can’t help but feel that I (and many other primary caregiver parents) am getting the short end of the stick while being expected to be the one to stay up late several nights this week to get everything packed and together.

    He will pack the car and drive us to the airport and make sure we get everywhere on time. I have it better than many because he is in charge of the tickets and keeping all things related to the hotels, the excursions, the rental mini van, etc etc etc together. And he will drive us everywhere because he likes it and I hate it. But still, I’m packing for 5 and he will throw his own things in on top and will lose zero sleep in preparation for this trip.

    He’s driving. I am thankful he’s driving. I guess I’ll be comatose during the travel because it’s unlikely that I’ll be functioning by then and this is nothing new. Someone’s gotta pack and it isn’t going to be him.

  • July 9, 2025

    Packing Prison

    A Super Mom of 5 girls who is a friend of mine once texted me that she could not attend something I was hosting because she was in “packing prison” and oh what a prison it is. I am currently there myself, trying to pack for our family vacation while catching up way too much work and other loose ends related to support for my parents for our time traveling. It will be the first time any of our four children are flying on an airplane and my first time flying in 20 years since our honeymoon. We are excited for an adventure and all of the sight-seeing and memory making we plan to do. And a bright spot today was that we found out that Mom does not need to continue the nutrition monitoring bloodwork for which the orders were all screwed up. So no need to keep making phone calls about that. The one phone call my mom made was returned today with the good news. All of the calls I made were apparently for nothing this time as none of them were returned.

    Weirdest thing ever though, as I was rushing out of my driveway to take my daughter to art camp this morning I received a call from someone naming a doctor and stating that she was calling from his office and that he is a chiropractor and that I left a message. I was extremely confused and stated that neither myself nor any of my family members have called a chiropractor and she read me back what was supposedly my phone number that she just called me at. I politely informed her that that is not my number (it was not even close). So then there are random wrong number calls. You just can’t make this up.

    We are working on figuring out how many suitcases to take and plan to pack all 6 of us in each suitcase and just pull the suitcase we need for the couple of nights we are spending at each location along the way, but we must pack so that the suitcases will fit in the rental vehicle (we practiced with my sister-in-law’s vehicle as it is very similar to what we have reserved) and we have the bag fees per bag from the airlines to consider as well. We will have only a couple of specific spots to do laundry so the packing itself is an adventure.

    I will detail my plan for support for my parents, our dog, and our home while we spend this time away in another post, but know that if it is a huge ordeal for you to step away not only from your professional life, but also from your day to day personal responsibilities living the sandwiched life.

    And I will end with this. My husband an I frequently remind each other that this is a Trip, not a vacation (a fact that I know many blogs have written about before as it is SO relatable), because the kids will be along, fighting, and complaining and we will just be parenting in another location. But we are definitely thankful that we have the privilege of going and we know we will be grateful for the memories as we look back.