Sandwiched Support

Tag: family

  • August 11, 2025

    They Won’t Always Be There

    It might sound like it, but this is not a post about those who pass away or about the fact that we all will someday. Rather it is about those who are present for certain parts of our lives, sometimes in very significant ways, and then fade out of the picture.

    I often reminisce about my childhood, teen, and college years and a greater sense of closeness with cousins and with friends. Priceless memories.

    But quite possibly the strongest bonds have formed with fellow moms over the years. Many of them supported me through my most vulnerable experiences. Some truly understood each one. Most saw and heard me at a deeper level than I could imagine and some still do today.

    The part that is a gut punch though is that many of those who were my closest allies through c-sections, breastfeeding infections, sleep training, toddler tantrums, mommy and me play groups, postpartum anxiety and depression, potty-training and all that came with it all, are no longer closely doing this stage of life with me. And, though maybe it shouldn’t be, it’s unexpected and at times heartbreaking.

    There’s some grief and loneliness in finding yourself at sports practices and at classroom parties, at scout meetings, and at church activities without key members of your village. Don’t get me wrong, the mom tribe grows and expands and you have the privilege of casting a wide net to find more friends and more support and it’s an amazing thing. With an open heart your friendship energy can grow just like your love grows with each subsequent child’s entrance into the world. Your time and energy may be divided, but your love just multiplies as children arrive one after another. In this way you can make room in your life and your heart for new friends and supporters and you find them where your kids lead you, shepherding their own kids at the same place at the same time and you work on getting the kids together, or you run into them at mutual commitments, or you find yourself at many of the same birthday parties as you help your kids live their best lives and you end up celebrating life together.

    And some of it’s awkward at first. And some of it’s awkward all the time. And some of it’s just what you needed to get through that part of a season with that child or children who are growing up with their children.

    However, I miss the besties who were my go-to’s to swap babysitting or to let me vent through arguably the toughest years of my life thus far. Most haven’t intentionally pulled away that I know of, but any number of normal things have happened as part of the rhythm of life and they are at a distance now. Their kids attend a different school district or are home schooled and we are not on the same schedule. Their kids are in different activities from the ones we do or do them at different locations or on different teams. Their youngest children are older than mine so they are no longer in the stages I am in and have a different pace of life. Or their youngest children are younger than mine so their pace is very different also and it’s a whole different level of challenges that they are still facing that I am not and now I am facing challenges of having teenagers and they are not there yet and cannot relate. Four years ago we moved about 15 minutes away from where we lived before and to a different school district and because of what some of them have going on and the lifestyles they lead with their families, I might as well be much further away as they don’t really get to where I am and I often do not get back to where they are.

    One particularly painful goodbye was leaving the home we lived in for the early years of our children’s lives that was adjacent to a farm owned by extended family members of my husband and when we moved away from there we left second cousins behind. Our kids miss them very much and don’t see them as often as we all wish. Different schedules and responsibilities and choices for our families keep us busy and rarely together.

    I do get to see many of them sometimes. Usually every other week or monthly for most (some a little more often, some a lot less often), but this sandwiched stage gives us little flexibility. One dear friend pulled back to get her oldest daughter connected with more girls to play with even though she and my son were the best of friends. I doubt I tried hard enough to continue to get them together and their friendship seems to have downsized with indifference these days. The kids move on and make other connections. It’s normal.

    But it’s still sad and I still wish that I was swimming and hiking and heading to the play groups and jump gyms with those who did motherhood with me in the early years, at least sometimes. You can’t really go back, but I hope to meet the moms for more coffees.

  • August 9, 2025

    Fun Fact On a Saturday

    Writing my first (and possibly only blog post on a Saturday because I truly completely forgot to post last evening as I was totally consumed by planning an epic tea party for my child’s birthday with friends. I had help from some of the very best people for the job and who step up and show up for me more often than I can count.

    Together we made it Amazing! It was a Wonderland tea party and was indeed a wonder. Making beautiful core memories through celebrating life is my favorite. Thankful for all of the people who partied with us. It was the most beautiful day for us all!

  • July 30, 2025

    Making it Work

    As I eased myself out of bed this morning I pleasantly found that my aches and pains from hotel mattresses and alternating between hiking and riding in a mini van had mostly subsided. But my smiles about that were short-lived as I realized I needed to hurry through my coffee and breakfast (even though almost nobody else in the house was up yet and the near silence sounded wonderful) to log on for my 7 AM client. I see a small limit of clients per week, especially in the summer, as I am primary caregiver, camp counselor, and beyond for my four children all summer (both a tremendous privilege and quite a challenge) and advocate for both parents as they navigate their medical needs. My husband gets up, showers, shaves, and leaves for the office without interruptions or much to consider outside of his personal care and upcoming professional responsbilities.

    If I want to work beyond my roles as wife, mother, daughter and co-house manager, I have to make it work because I have loved ones relying on me. So this morning it was just the one terrific client (I have the best clients almost all of the time and when there are challenges it is rare that I cannot understand why) and then I grabbed an active shirt and threw my hair up in a ponytail and we were off on an adventure to meet another mom with active kids for two of the hardest library hikes. We hiked about 4 1/2 miles between the two hikes (which is a lot for me and my lifestyle) and enjoyed many beautiful sights and a whole lot of complaining from the kids. But I got to catch up with my friend about all things work, kids, kids’ schools, experiences with our family members’ medical issues, travel and trips, and all manner of the sweetest conversation while hiking and swimming afterward. I rarely see her between our yearly hike day with the kids as our kids are in different local school districts and understandably haven’t remained friends beyond their younger years in the local play group where we met, but we made this pleasant catch up work while simultaneously getting our kids fresh air, exercise, and space for creative activities without screens for a good 6 hours plus. She understands that part of making it work is that she packs her own lunch for herself and her own kids while I just have to bring ours (subbed the lunch packing out to my 15 year old son to make that work) so that we can all enjoy my amazing neighbor’s pool together and I am hosting but not going to the extra effort of providing a lunch which may not be a favorite for her and her kids.

    My thoughtful in-laws offered again to take one kiddo at a time for a couple of nights each to give them special attention and activities away from what is often a chaotic rhythm of collective living at our house. Each child gets to pick the meals my mom-in-law cooks and the fast food and treats they go out and enjoy and they get to do all kinds of fun things with both of my husband’s active parents. So a bonus after a long day keeping up with the kids and their needs was the fact that my middle son heading off with my mom-in-law, I whipped up some eggs for the other kids, and we got some toast and freezer waffles out and everyone basically could fend for themselves with some minor support. Sometimes to make it work we keep it super simple. I’ve also had an awesome cleaning person do wonders here this week. I can only afford one half day per week, but it’s worth it. And we’ve had groceries delivered to restock. Sometimes I go, but often I make use of the awesome memberships available to me.

    I’m not a magician or an octopus. Mom always used to say that about herself as she juggled all of the things back when she was in a similar sandwiched stage of life. She made it work and each day, somehow, I make it work too.

  • July 29, 2025

    If I’m Not Right There

    I know many of you understand this with regard to your children. If you’re not right there, they don’t follow through with the chore. If you’re not right there they are on their screens instead of focusing on homework. If you’re not right there, they’re often fighting with one another and then blaming everyone else in the room when someone gets hurt.

    But I didn’t consider how, when sandwiched, this would work with my aging parents. I did what I thought was “it all” before leaving for a two week summer trip with my husband and four children and not only had I forgotten to reschedule one appointment I had scheduled for Mom (while also forgetting to return the library books on time), I managed to let something else slip through the cracks. I assumed Mom would handle logging onto a telehealth appointment with a GI provider (specially trained with nutritional expertise) on her own. She has logged in on her own before, but only with the small hospital system’s portal. This would be her first time with the larger hospital system’s online appointment log in.

    Somehow she never got the email with the link the first time. Of course the call to schedule the appointment came while I was driving my car and already feeling sick and having fled the pharmacy where I had just scooted out of line the other day because I spotted someone I wasn’t expecting to be there I was not in a place to make small talk with that person at that time. But that’s another story. Anyway, all of that had happened and I was driving my son to the library and got the call to set up this appointment. I explained that Mom is aging and she prefers that I schedule her appointment so the number they have on file is mine. I then explained that I would be traveling in a different time zone during the appointment and that they needed to send the link to the appointment to Mom’s email address, which I gave them.

    The Thursday appointment while I was traveling came and went and Mom says she never saw the link in her email. I called to reschedule and apparently they had already spoken to her and rescheduled for the following Thursday right around the same time. I acknowledged the scheduled appointment and again stated that at that time I would still be traveling in another time zone and they said that this time they were going to text her the link because when they email it it sometimes goes into people’s SPAM folders. Ok, so why didn’t you offer us the text option to begin with? I did not ask this aloud.

    So I was assured that all was well, that they had prepared Mom to log in on her phone when they texted her the link, and I reminded her myself. But guess what we received in the mail today? A letter stating that she now missed two appointments and if she misses a third she will be dismissed as a patient. Great. I should have wondered when I asked the woman I spoke to if there was going to be another phone call reminding us of the appointment and she said, no, that she was going to put the information in the system, and then I got a call from them a couple of days later asking for Mom and stating they were confirming the telehealth appointment. I responded that the appointment was confirmed and that she would log on if they text the link to her. I confirmed her number.

    If I’m not right there this is what happens. It just doesn’t get done. And now I have another appointment to call about to reschedule. Add it to the list.

  • July 28, 2025

    Enough

    I took my dad to a 6:30 am EKG this morning after getting home last evening from our two week trip with the kids. Did one load of laundry and spent my breakfast being the listening ear my dad needed. Called the pedi office to see if I can bring my daughter, who has been sick on and off with cold symptoms for a few weeks and now has quite a cough, to see if I can bring her along to be seen there while I brought my teen son for his wellness check up or before or after. My son’s appointment was at 9:40 AM, not one of the popular timeslots before or after parents’ work days. But they could not get her in.

    Thankfully both early morning appointments went well and brought helpful results. But then I had to head back out with my daughter to urgent care for a sick visit. They were helpful but it took me right up to zipping home to get there in the nick of time for my first client and the other three today

    My fifteen year old got everyone lunch while I worked, but by the time I was done it was time to pop dozen pizzas in the oven and open fruit and veggie trays and call it dinner as my husband made his way home.

    As I skipped preheating and hoped for the best as usual, I called my husband and vented about how I felt I got nothing done today because I didn’t unpack, I barely did laundry, and picking up around here escaped me as it often does. My husband was on point today and reminded me that I took loved ones to 3 doctors and saw 4 clients and that that’s a 7 hour day alone right there not to mention the drives, chores, and being there for all 4 of my children and both of my parents in different ways.

    It’s enough, but there’s not enough of me to go around. And I’m sandwiched and each day brings many challenges with opportunities right now.

  • July 25, 2025

    Fun Fact about the Founder and Family

    I know I am not the first to mention this issue, but I have sadly reached the age where I sleep with a certain arrangement of pillows because without them I frequently wake up feeling like I’m in traction. And these days calls are becoming more frequent from my parents when I have already headed to bed that lead to me getting up and going downstairs to deal with a need. It reminds me of when I had newborns and honestly, I know it can get much more frequent and a lot worse.

    It’s almost time to go home, but we are traveling on an adventure with our kids that is taking us many places back to back to back and has also led us to stay at a number of different places and to sleep in a series of different borrower beds.

    Flying does not easily allow for packing a pile of pillows so I have been trying to recreate my pillow pile to no avail. And every single morning on this trip without exception I wake up literally hours before I need to be awake finding that I need to get up right away because of new levels of the discomfort. Without the skillful arrangement of the aforementioned pillows and without a mattress similar to mine at home, I know I am planning to be up early and often throughout the night.

    Shout out to just the right pillows and, while we’re at it, to the best mattresses too! The primary caregivers and advocates need our rest and find it frequently disrupted or tough to come by due to other priorities and responsibilities (both expected and unexpected). When we lose we are very unlikely to get a chance to rest another time soon afterward.

    When you don’t get to sleep because of meeting another person’s needs it’s an amazing selfless act, but at the same time, it can take a significant toll. May the sandwiched and all caregivers and advocates find ways to get the very best sleep when we have time for it.

  • July 24, 2025

    The Keeper

    We checked into a hotel with an indoor water park in or at and our boys were already having the time of their lives with their dad on the big water slides while I, Mom, was holding everyone’s shoes and a big bag of things we thought we might need as there was no available table or chair in sight and we try to avoid at least some of the extra fees like the locker fee.

    Then this amazing fellow mom, a complete stranger, waived me over and said it was just her at her table and I was welcome to sit there. Perfect for keeping an eye on my daughter in the play areas for younger kiddos- front row seat.

    Then my husband (after going to the rental vehicle to locate our second son’s second croc) brought me more to hold and then asked “aren’t you going in?” He felt it was fine to just leave our stuff including cell phones and i wasn’t comfortable with that without a locker. Plus the other mom at the table had gotten up to get a double tube for our daughter and her daughter to ride around together and I didn’t want to leave her stuff unattended.

    Like a living coat rack my children have been hanging things on me or placing them in my hands since they could crawl and the load has only gotten heavier when there’s things to do. It seems to come with the territory that Mom is to hold this, watch this, do this and in many ways it’s a special honor, until the expectations overwhelm and the literal weight of things pile up. Sometimes it really is just a lot.

    Very thankful for other moms who jump in to ease my four ring circus sometimes in a pinch when it feels like even with my husband and I there’s not enough parenting, refereeing, and overseeing to go around.

    It felt nice to be able to just sit in this extra chair this evening as we’ll be doing plenty more over the weekend and because at home Mom has been handing me her things for years as well.

    If you’re a caregiver, I see you. If you feel like a human coat rack; I’m right there with you. And if you’re sandwiched and your parents or older loved ones are now placing their things in your hands in more ways than one; you’re not alone.

  • July 23, 2025

    Taken Care of in a Timely Manner

    Yesterday I found it concerning that when I finally called the right number for Medicare and asked about whether or not Mom’s new benefit period began now that she has been home (with no additional inpatient admissions) for over 60 days as required for her plan to reinstate a new series of available Medicare Part A days.

    The representative I spoke with yesterday seemed more knowledgeable and professional than some others I have spoken with in the past and she was able to tell me that her view of the system shows that Mom’s days should have come back now (other than those 60 lifetime days which never come back) given that I did understand correctly that she has been home for more than 60 days.

    However, this helpful representative admitted that though Mom should be in a new benefit period as of a few days back, the system does not show the availability of the new days on her end.

    Ok, so I am of course glad at this point that this representative is confirming for me what we suspected that Mom FINALLY was able to stay home for 60 plus days in a row without any inpatient admissions and her Part A benefits are returning in time for an upcoming surgery that is scheduled for Monday at the big hospital.

    So I explained to the helpful representative that the surgery is supposed to be first thing next week and I would like to confirm that her Part A benefits are reinstated now for a new benefits period as she has met the requirements. The helpful representative replied that she was escalating this to what I believe she called a “senior specialist”. She assured me that she was writing a thorough explanation of my question and the reasons for my question and I believe that she did. t

    Here’s what led me to feeling concerned yesterday. The helpful representative told me that the senior specialist had 7 business days to return my call. 7 business days?! It was Tuesday and the surgery was Monday!

    I expressed this concern to the helpful representative and she said that I could call Mom’s surgeon’s office and encourage them to call the provider line for confirmation.

    Seriously, how are patients, especially Seniors, doing all of this without someone advocating for them through plenty of inefficient steps?

    I thanked her and asked for her name. She gave it to me and I asked for her extension. She said she doesn’t have an extension or a call back number and I can just call the main number back and explain all of this again if the senior specialist does not return my call before the 7 business day window.

    Not an ideal option, but grateful to know that’s the way it is for future reference. So yesterday I called the big hospital’s outpatient surgery office and explained everything about the potential billing concerns if the new benefits period is not clearly started in the system. The woman who answered the phone listened to my whole explanation and then had to transfer me to a woman in the billing department whose voicemail answered my call. I explained everything yesterday on her voicemail and have not received a return call from her.

    It seems, this time, that all is working out for Mom. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled that the senior specialist returned my call today and I was available to answer right away! She couldn’t have been nicer and did confirm that Mom’s Part A is in a new benefit period as of a few days ago when Mom made it to 60 days at home without an inpatient admission during that time.

    Thankful to have that verbal confirmation and when we got disconnected because I am traveling and was on the road when she called, she called back and left a message trying to finish our call. Very kind of her to call back! Unfortunately I didn’t have reception and her message stated that I would just have to call the main number back again. No direct number or extension to call her back and finish our call.

    Grateful that I got what I needed at this time, but quite frankly I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  • July 15, 2025

    Rain Storms

    There has been so much rain in our area back home lately that some of the local parks have had to close or make modifications to the hike program we love due to heavy mud or down trees. Our swimming instructor sent an email that their pool, basement, and street had taken on so much water and were such a mess that our being away on vacation isn’t the only reason our daughter didn’t have swimming lessons today. Challenging weather comes and goes and can certainly be unpredictable from surprise storms to states of emergency, the worst does happen sometimes and we do not know when.

    Today we had the privilege of being part of a river rafting experience, mild when it came to rapids, but packed with the beauty of nature and the friendly hospitality. The experience was rain or shine and after a pleasant initial half hour the downpour that both weather apps and clouds in the sky told us to expect began. Delightfully the kids laughed through almost the entire experience as I ended up hunched over, protecting the cell phones in a bag close to me. And then some hail pounded down as well and all the while we continued to float along. Time didn’t stop and we were in the thick of the experience without a pause or a stop. Ponchos were offered to us by our guide (who was fantastic!), but we chose to persevere without. As I waited for what ended up being two rounds of storms to pass, I watched the delicate raindrops dance on the water and remarked at how beautiful they looked hitting the river.

    Watching those raindrops was quite grounding for me in those moments, as was the laughter and relaxed chatter between my children. On a day when I had to make a call to a family member’s doctors, regarding some test results, while navigating spotty cell reception as we traveled, this was a valuable pause. As the weather intruded upon our tour, a glimpse of peaceful, mindful radical acceptance and refocus came into play and provided the pause I needed to keep going.

    May we the sandwiched find that pause as we navigate each additional challenge that arises and may we always be able to see beauty in small and big ways while we keep going.

  • July 14, 2025

    In Order to Go Away

    It’s worked out last summer and this summer that my husband and I have taken our four children on a trip for two weeks straight. We have other mini getaways here and there to much closer places maybe once a quarter and honestly most of the time those are just me with the kids for a night exploring a kid-friendly place.

    In order to do that as a sandwiched primary support person it 100 percent takes a village. Now I admit I am still in a phase where I am extremely fortunate. Though I am an only child (so there is literally no one to which I can volley the parent ball that I have in the air) my parents were willing to move in with my family of 6 and our golden doodle 4 years ago. They moved about two hours away from the county Mom lived in her entire life and where Dad lived since they were married. We sold two houses and bought one that fits all of us together. So when we go away they just stay at the family home in their routine. And for now, Dad is still making their meals (though it’s pretty simple at the moment because Mom’s on a liquid diet awaiting surgery at the big hospital the day after we get back from this trip and many days he accepts our invitation to just join us in enjoying what I made or what my husband made). Dad is able to let our dog in and out to keep her in her routine, to get her food and water, and to give her her medicine. Mom is able to (and loves to) give the dog plenty of attention and brushes her while she sits obediently every day.

    We have a list of phone numbers on the inside of a cabinet door for issues that may come up (plumber, electrician, HVAC, etc, along with some phone numbers for closest neighbors who are wonderful). But as wonderful as they are our neighbors are Understandably busy with their own lives, families, retirement traveling, personal health concerns, and the list goes on. Many have volunteered to help as needed and some definitely have helped with things here and there in the past, but our closer village includes our local close friends. So 7 different couples, my in-laws, and the woman who cleans for us are taking two days each “on call” for if something comes up. I rearranged all of Mom and Dad’s appointments (except one which is over telehealth and would be considered helpful, but not urgent) to make sure there is nothing going on during these two weeks out of their normal routine which includes Dad’s typical errands. Dear friends are taking care of some chores in our absence and the on-call friends agree to either 48 hours straight where they are the ones to call (after us of course!) if something arises (or a few people are taking two single days separated based on availability). Last year Mom and Dad did not have to call anyone except us. We are hopeful that it will remain this way.

    We have been truly blessed by the ability to have home health come in on a temporary basis when needed and to utilize short term rehab facilities on a temporary basis for Mom. We have not yet had to privately hire respite caregivers, part-time caregivers, or full-time care-givers. I’ve talked to close friends and family members and the name of one agency keeps coming up as a trusted one, but I cringe every time I think about having to have strangers come into our home to provide help and care. I have already provided some direct care for Mom and I am not opposed to doing so again. But I know that as the only child I will not be able to provide that care around the clock. I imagine the first step will be respite support while my family vacations the next time, unless Mom is in a condition to travel with us which we have done sometimes in the past when renting a house or condo unit or cabin. I cannot imagine what the process of choosing a person or group of people to provide this care will look like and feel like. It’s almost enough to make me want to stay home.

    But I enjoy getting away, I have young children and need to live their lives with them too, and my life does not feel complete without my work. I have sought and continue to seek the best possible balance, sustaining a juggling act for the record books. But as my therapist tells me, it’s not sustainable as it is. There will be changes that are out of my comfort zone. We will need more help, very likely before next summer’s longer travel. We will see how it all works out. Maybe next summer it will make sense to bring them along. Maybe it will prove possible to temporarily hire someone we know and trust to provide meal support, reassurance, and help with chores if we do not need direct care for Mom and Dad at that time.

    Maybe it will work out better than I could have imagined. We will find a way to manage that we can make work out for the 8 of us and our favorite dog too.