Sandwiched Support

Tag: health

  • October 8, 2025

    The Why

    I have been talking with clients, particularly my college student clients who are questioning their life choices when midterms hit, about their “Why”. For them I point to my degrees and licenses on the wall of my office and tell them that I have been where they are and that though they must lock in now and grind it out when it’s difficult, if I did it, so can they.

    I have been struggling with it all. The mental load of this sandwiched situation, the inadequate support, the significant need for advocacy on my part to fill significant gaps in systems that I seem to pay quite a bit into in taxes and the insurance payments are astounding. It still makes me weak in the knees when I think of all who are doing this with fewer resources than I have and I try not to verbally express frustration when some more privileged than we are mention paying out of pocket for resources that we will likely never be able to afford.

    But as I sit in this idyllic setting where our children are privileged to play soccer on a beautifully manicured field surrounded by brilliant fall colors and scenic farmland. And as I watch my healthy daughter run freely with the ball it is the ideal moment to practice gratitude for the health most of our household is experiencing now and the strides we have made. I am grateful for the medical care we do have available, even as I want to challenge us to be provide better. I am grateful that my children have a wonderful school district in an amazing community and that we can raise them in a healthy place where a variety of activities are available for their enjoyment and enrichment. And when I remember that everything I do is for family and that my children are thriving it reminds me Why I work this hard burning the candle at both ends.

    I truly care about my parents and about my children and my family as a whole and doing everything I can to give them the best life possible as far as it depends on the choices I make. I received this text from a dear friend who I respect very much. The whole text made my day, this part in particular:

    “You are a warrior and take such good care of your family. Remember to take care of yourself too.”

    As I walk this long winding road in this season of life and step up as a warrior for the cause of my family each day, I haven’t yet found the best way to also take care of myself. Yet is one of my favorite words though, I know I can and will learn at some point. But for now I am focusing on the “Why” for getting up early and getting to bed late so that I can keep it all going in this season for those who count on me. They matter so much to me and they are my Why.

  • October 6, 2025

    Something’s Gotta Give

    When sandwiched Mom/Adult Daughter is not feeling well, work (as a contractor at one job and a part-time employee at the other there is NO paid sick time, NO paid vacation time, and there are NO benefits so if I don’t show up and work I don’t get paid AT ALL) doesn’t stop, the kids’ needs don’t stop, the parents’ needs don’t stop, and the mess waiting for me doesn’t stop a bit either. So we, the sandwiched primary parents who are also only children of the aging (or whatever the situation is for you) rarely find a break. And something has to give and it’s been this blog. Playing catch up right now, but it might turn into once weekly posting if I fall too far behind. There are “life hacks” that cost me money, but they’re worth it. I have someone cleaning a portion of my house each week for 4 hours a week, I pay for grocery delivery from a chain store and a big box retailer, and plenty of packages with everything from toiletries to household goods to pharmacy health-related items to the gift I need for the weekend land by my front door. Then I hit up consignment sales and stores for all things pre-owned in the toy, clothing, shoe, and home decor categories to save money while living as well as we can. We like the name brand things too, but we typically live with them used and then sell them to consignment when all kiddos have grown out of them or we donate at various places. I rarely get to schedule my own appointments with my “hairapist” and my own therapist and time to connect with friends is becoming more and more rare unless that friend happens to be at a community activity that involves one of my children or something with our church where we are participating or volunteering. If I will already be there showing up where we are already committed on the calendar, we might get to chat. My texting thumbs are incredibly speedy and I am blogging on my phone with them while at my son’s soccer practice after zipping over here from my daughter’s parent/teacher conference which I raced to after hurrying home from work and stopping quickly in my driveway to pick up two of my sons (one to go to soccer practice and the older one to be his chaperone while my husband and I were at our daughter’s conference). And I had to pick up my sons because I let something (heaven-forbid) drop from my mental load and forgot to ask my mom-in-law to cover soccer. So I had to cover it. I promise my husband wasn’t volunteering to ask his mom for help or to help get my son to soccer. He did however tell me I would be cutting it close, which I was, arrived 3 minutes before conference time and got upstairs in the school to the classroom just in time. Thankfully the teacher had stepped out for a bathroom break so us showing up in the nick of time was beautifully anticlimactic. I got it all done again, while recovering from what I still don’t know and finishing up my period and another day I will tell you about ALL the kin-keeping I was doing at the same time plus all of the regular Mom of 4 and busy Adult daughter of two live-in aging parent stuff. Is this really all meant to be one WOMAN’s job?

  • October 4, 2025

    Resting on the move

    On Saturday, the day the post is dated for, I kept plans with two close friends from practically forever who I don’t see often enough and live a couple of hours from. In some ways I didn’t feel well enough to go, but we each brought along our youngest (all daughters) to meet about halfway between us and spend the day at a place that is a well-oiled machine for kids to have a BLAST and parents to (mostly) relax and enjoy in an outdoor activity farm setting.

    I had had my symptoms for like 2 1/2 weeks by then and it didn’t appear that I had gotten anyone else sick and also I had been on antibiotics since that Wednesday morning and steroids for a lot longer and things seemed somewhat better.

    I decided to go while not super well because I was on the high dose steroid and getting into the thick of the antibiotics then and during the days I was on my feet or sitting in a chair or car doing everything I normally do (because no one is filling in for me as a woman in the thick of the sandwich generation season of life). I mean I was avoiding lifting bins or anything heavier housework- wise and then later in the evening I was getting to bed earlier.

    But having my two youngest kids home on a Saturday together without any help to entertain them is not at all restful so I think the best idea was to go to a super fun place with just my daughter to meet friends and play and to have chatting therapy with my friends.

    It turned out to be the best plan! One of my friends is battling an ongoing challenging health issue and we all enjoyed moseying, sitting, rocking, and finding shade while the kids enjoyed unlimited admission bracelet fun for 6 straight hours. They were happy and in sight and we got to just breathe and catch up.

    In this stage of life for all of us there are many (different but similar) very real reasons why we might not have been able to reschedule anytime soon. Talking with your people about similar life challenges is truly a light in what can feel like a very dark and heavy time.

    If you’re on your feet at home it can help to take at least one kiddo and go where there’s fun, where there’s amazing people you miss often, and where you can mostly sit where you are not feeling the piles of laundry staring at you.

  • October 01, 2025

    I Blame Her a Little Bit and Also I Blame Myself

    Blame is not really the way to go I guess but late morning Monday after I saw the CRNP at my PCP’s office, one of my best friends who is a PA asked me to describe my symptoms to her and I explained the back pain and the pain up under my left side and she said right away that the CRNP should have gotten a urine, maybe it’s the kidneys. The CRNP ordered the Lyme’s test that I requested because of what’s been going on with our dog and my husband and weird symptoms and wanting to rule out Lyme’s and potentially other tick born illnesses. But she said if it was anything other than Lyme’s I would be too sick to be in her office. She didn’t order the infection/inflammation marker panels because I went on the steroid Friday from the urgent care provider.

    Having gone through everything I have gone through as my mom’s hospital advocate I should have remembered that the steroids mess up the bloodwork, sometimes falsely raising WBC count or raising it higher than it would be. And then the CRNP informed me that it would be a month before the steroids being in there wouldn’t affect the infection markers.

    She had a student there and kept repeating the phrase “common things happen commonly” as I expressed that I have no idea what’s going on with me and wondered about Mono or Meningitis which I learned does not have the potential to be airborne from the college students in my office. She told me to finish the steroid and to get the limited bloodwork she sent to the lab and she did not add a urine.

    I did message her and ask her for one and she added the urine, but I had already been to the lab Monday and didn’t message her until late Monday or early Tuesday and didn’t go get it until this morning with my other lab orders after I saw the third provider last evening.

    More on that tomorrow. It really is tough to know which place to seek medical attention on our community first when it comes to certain symptoms. On one hand I am thankful we have an Urgent Care so when it’s bad but it’s not feeling emergent and the PCP has no appointments available there’s a place to go, but they seem to not want to order bloodwork or scans because they don’t want to be following up with you. And then your PCP has helper providers that don’t always know you and honestly you don’t see your PCP enough for them to know you either. And they don’t seem to want to jump to getting bloodwork or tests to find things out either.

    Very thankful for provider number 3 who I sought out at our local orthopedic urgent care and she was very attentive and ordered many things that have brought the diagnostic process along a bit. More tomorrow.

  • September 30, 2025

    Going Through the Process

    Couldn’t tell you exactly what the rules are for managed care payments and I’m sure there are good reasons for providers to take things slow but after feeling some symptoms that I haven’t felt before that I now think might be related to Lyme’s (my husband is going through similar symptoms and trying to get a diagnosis as well right now) for about a week and a half and trying to fend them off with ibuprofen. I went to my regular urgent care asking for diagnostic measures.

    The provider told me it sounded like just an issue with my back. She stopped short of saying the word “injury,” and as I told her I haven’t injured myself, but she told me flat out I don’t have enough symptoms for her to order bloodwork and that I will have to go to my PCP. She also said that they are urgent care don’t order bloodwork because they aren’t going to be following up with the patient.

    Can we truly not assign a trained medical assistant plus the urgent care’s online portal to alert the patient of the bloodwork results and then connect the patient with the right specialist or the primary care provider from there depending on the results?

    So in my limited experience around here, I spent time waiting for an urgent care’s provider to examine me (she barely touched me) and was sent on my way with a 5-day steroid pack after a shot of Toridol (a non-narcotic anti-inflammatory).

    It was not a bad start for a sensation of pressure and numbness in my back and pain in my side. But she would not order any tests. Not a urine, not a basic panel of infection and inflammatory markers. No blood work and no scans of any kind including an xray.

    The pain was in no way unmanageable and I told her right away I was not seeking pain medication, but rather a diagnosis to seek relief from the pressure and numbness I was experiencing.

    More tomorrow about how my symptoms continued and the next step I took.

  • September 29, 2025

    This morning I rushed from my early client session to log my mom onto this call that the rehab she was just in for post-surgery PT and OT (associated with the big hospital) wanted to have with her. It was short, involved a bunch of cover-their-butt questions and what I heard of it involved things Mom definitely already knew.

    I’m sure they have all kinds of different patients they follow up with and I’m also sure not everyone has the same support at home as Mom does so maybe these calls are more helpful for others.

    But the call was scheduled for 9 AM and this call center representative in another state was calling me several minutes ahead of time insisting that we log on and then the nurse was right there several minutes beforehand and rushing as though we were behind…seeming to want to get through it quickly….appearing a little annoyed when Mom was still finishing up in the bathroom and we weren’t 100 percent ready to have her on camera Ahead of the appointment time.

    So maybe this is better than the endless waiting we have experienced, especially on telemedicine calls, because the provider is overbooked and late. But this didn’t feel awesome either. I barely got down the stairs to Mom’s room and the call center lady was telling me to just click the link while I was getting down the stairs. There’s impatience there

    There must be quotas and overbooking and an understaffed, overworked situation. Not great.

    Better than not having it at all? It’s a toss up for us because it didn’t really help and it was an extra annoyance, but also we have learned that if the patient declines anything for any reason it goes down in the chart (almost always without a reason specified) as a refusal and refusals in your past count against you as you are trying to get into rehab in the future.

    And we hope Mom can get her knees replaced in the not too distant future. And we want to get into our favorite rehabs.

    So we better hustle down the stairs and out of the bathroom and onto that follow up video call so the rehab can check their boxes, document that they checked on us (in this case almost completely without added value for the patient, not gonna lie), and make sure they get and stay paid.

    Nothing wrong with it per se, but there are some different things going on these days that are not entirely without a sense of weird “over-the-top-ness” in my opinion. Wish I could get clear reasoning from those in power regarding them.

    Another example is that when we call with a medical question the bill looks a lot like they are saying it was a session. A little borderline questionable at times with the wording on the bill. I’m sure the codes are legit and show that it was a phone call in but some of those calls were QUITE brief and yielded very limited results but the language on the bill seems to describe them as though they are an in-depth service of significant value. Maybe sometimes? But sometimes I was the family member on the other end of that call in to the provider’s office and certainly didn’t speak to the provider. Someone got a message back to the provider and got back to us but we didn’t really have a telephone session. Just saying.

  • September 28, 2025

    Looking at the Week Ahead

    It’s a season where I am already overwhelmed on a Sunday night just looking at my week ahead with some manner of dread. A lot of weeks are like this but not all. Last week I was able to get coffee with two dear friends and we are aiming for once monthly and are so far two for two.

    But tomorrow I work and then I get Mom on an online appointment and then I head to two back to back appointment that I am fitting in to attend them in person for me. Then two additional online clients and then running kiddos to their evening activities. 2 kiddos out of 4 have something tomorrow evening so it’s not a super heavy load where we need to ask my Mom-in-law to be the third driver. Phew! She’s out of state visiting my sister-in-law and her family.

    Then it’s work outside the home the next two days with quick dinners and the evening rush and then Thursday I have client from home and doctors’ appointments for Dad and Mom to and Friday has more appointments for Mom.

    I am planning to watch a show online and spend a little time on social media and also try to get a decent night’s sleep while I’m not feeling my best.

    It’s A LOT right now while sandwiched. A whole lot.

  • September 24, 2025

    Pushing Through Anyway

    I haven’t been feeling well this week, but I’m sandwiched daughter and mom. There is really no one to fill in for me without rearranging or canceling plenty and without a TON of favors being asked likely of other moms who either don’t work outside of the home or work from home. Quite frankly unless I am completely incapacitated with a stomach virus that won’t quit I don’t want to take the time and energy to ask multiple people for help with ALL that I do for my family each week. Text after text to try to find the right person who happens to be free and willing to do each thing honestly ends up being a lot and quite frankly it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t return the favor later. And it’s not that I don’t want to help them out, it’s only fair and these individuals are friends and relatives and fellow sandwiched moms in solidarity, it’s just that I already feel like I don’t have the bandwidth to keep up with my own family’s needs and wants. And I know they feel the same way. So just like people show up to work sick, Moms do that too except we don’t get a real restful break unless someone chooses to step up to take something off of our plates and between the meal prep, the appointments, the running kids to activities, the housework, the laundry, and the childcare, homework support, and support of aging loved ones, no one is willing to take it all on. Lightening the load of a member of the sandwiched generation is absolutely a thing and it is greatly appreciated, but truly there is no one who is really taking it all on for even one day. Sometimes a husband takes on putting out the “fires” of what’s needed to get his children through the day or a mom-in-law runs the kids to everything, makes lunch and dinner, and puts in a load of laundry, but it is a rarity that coverage does not leave plenty for the primary sandwiched adult to catch up on once well.

    A comparison can be made here to any job, but truly there is no comparison to the number of items on the primary caregiver/sandwiched adult’s list. And so very many categories leaving “tabs” open in the brain.

    A visit to urgent care or a nap or a trip to pick up a medication is carefully considered and life juggled to fit it in with everything else. And boy do we ever try not to loop in someone else. Instead sleep is lost, meals are skipped, and we do the next thing while the laundry and dust bunnies collect and multiply.

  • September 23, 2025

    Outside Texting In

    You would think I would simply be grateful and I am grateful, but it’s complicated! Mom is home doing well on small amounts of soft foods right now and so far it’s been a good day with me wrapping up at work outside of the home today and Dad holding down the fort at home. He grocery shopped and has helped Mom care for our family dog who hasn’t been feeling the greatest lately (she does show improvements though).

    But late morning today at work I missed a call from our church prayer chain where a recorded message is sent out on a call line and plays repeatedly until you hang up so that you can get all of the information. It’s a great resource so that those who want to pray know how they can do that for someone who is in need (frequent prayer requests are for medical needs and concerns and losses of loved ones and anyone at church can ask for prayer for anyone in the community, sometimes using last names, sometimes not). Very soon after I saw that I had missed the prayer chain call and didn’t get to the voicemail before my mom-in-law texted me that a close extended family member on my husband’s side of the family had a major medical event happen to him earlier today.

    Certainly others have had things happen medically other than Mom recently, but not a lot of family has had something this major that needed immediate surgery at least not that my worried brain is remembering at the moment, since Mom’s initial emergent surgery about a year ago. We do know of medical conditions and treatments that are ongoing for several family members, many of them due to serious medical conditions, but to my knowledge all of those individuals are currently stable at home.

    So lately I have been the medical advocate, the closest family member of the patient, the one hurrying into the hospital on repeat and texting everyone else urgent questions and regular updates. Today I am the friend who also happens to be a relative as two of this man’s daughter-in-laws are my very close friends who I have done a lot of life with. They have been neighbors at one time, part of the church we regularly attend, part of moms’ groups I was part of when my kids were little, part of my baby showers (one was at my wedding shower and played violin at our wedding). We have been friends for decades. One of them was at college with my husband and I, another had me in her wedding. And I am texting them today trying not to intrude, but communicating love, support, and encouragement fully from a small distance.

    I’ve assured them as they assured me when I was going through something similar (but not exactly because I cannot know what this specific situation is like for them) that I will come pick up their kids when they need me, that I have no specific expectations of when they will contact me back if at all, and that I am praying for their family member and am here for them.

    This extended family member is wonderful and truly loved as is his caring and compassionate wife. They lost their youngest son in a terrible accident years ago when we were in college and have been through so very much already and never lost their beautiful faith. They are a true example of loving parents and grandparents and loving people who serve those they care about and the community so selflessly.

    Lately I have been the one sitting by the patient’s bedside texting away to receive support and answers from knowledgeable others. The daughter-in-laws are both nurses and have often been two of my go-to medical people I know who I can go to with questions about Mom.

    Now I sit at my desk in my office with everything caught up waiting to see if I’ll have a walk-in appointment pop up before I leave for the day. And really all I can think about is that the man who married us 20 years ago, the man who we asked to provide baptism for all four of our children, and the man who has a very distinct voice and personality and who can talk to everyone with a focus and a sense of encouragement showing that that person really matters to him is having major surgery and I am waiting away from the hospital. I am not in this waiting room this time.

    I am on the outside of this one, texting in. And I can barely contain my prayers and my questions. And I can hardly remain in my seat. And I know that no matter what happens that it has been and continues to be nothing but the utmost blessing and privilege to know this family member and both the family he comes from and the family he and his wife have built together.

  • September 16, 2025

    This is not a cutting matter.

    If a surgeon is being asked to do anything beyond determining if surgery is needed, if post-surgical healing looks to be on track, or of course surgery itself they seem to unequivocally prefer not to.

    I get it, they are the highly trained specialists and the only ones who can perform the surgeries (along with other types of providers and specialists on their team and similar teams). So they seem to want the hospital to pass the patient, with post-surgical complications, onto another department of providers (in Mom’s case it’s been internal medicine or GI) to monitor and treat them if there is nothing that warrants emergent or scheduled upcoming surgery.

    But yet the hospital wants them to show up each time to follow through with making sure the patients they operated on are taken care of. Seems reasonable and understandable until you factor in how busy they are and how few of them there are and you start to notice them getting short with abs frustrated with the patients who return with pain, with “inflammation,” with complications.

    From being unsettled and taking a longer time to heal and recovery than the average patient of the same age and condition (this seems to be Mom’s situation right now) up to the need for emergent follow-up surgery and everything in between I’m sure they see so many patients that it may be difficult to keep up with it all.

    So what are the hospital systems doing about this? Can there be more PA’s and NP’s who are trained by the surgical team and work for them and with them to provide excellent follow-up care not just in the office post-op, but also with the more complicated situations where patients are readmitted post-surgery with a variety of problems? Certainly the surgeon who operated on the patient and the team should be closely involved at looking at all scans, ordering tests, and weighing in on the treatment plan after considering all relevant information, but surely other educated medical providers who are not operating can provide supportive care as the patient is under observation.

    Can we come up with a better system where someone who has time truly listens to the patient and the patient’s family/advocates/support people to get the full picture while tests are being run? Can those individuals be trained to diagnose and treat post-surgical complications that do not appear to involve the need for further surgery to free-up the surgeons without leaving the patient and patient’s family feeling dismissed?

    How can the hospital teams communicate and work better together?

    And who can we assign to communicate with the family and other members of the support system on a regular basis to receive and answer their questions with empathy and compassion and to provide reasonable medical updates?