Sandwiched Support

Tag: love

  • October 8, 2025

    The Why

    I have been talking with clients, particularly my college student clients who are questioning their life choices when midterms hit, about their “Why”. For them I point to my degrees and licenses on the wall of my office and tell them that I have been where they are and that though they must lock in now and grind it out when it’s difficult, if I did it, so can they.

    I have been struggling with it all. The mental load of this sandwiched situation, the inadequate support, the significant need for advocacy on my part to fill significant gaps in systems that I seem to pay quite a bit into in taxes and the insurance payments are astounding. It still makes me weak in the knees when I think of all who are doing this with fewer resources than I have and I try not to verbally express frustration when some more privileged than we are mention paying out of pocket for resources that we will likely never be able to afford.

    But as I sit in this idyllic setting where our children are privileged to play soccer on a beautifully manicured field surrounded by brilliant fall colors and scenic farmland. And as I watch my healthy daughter run freely with the ball it is the ideal moment to practice gratitude for the health most of our household is experiencing now and the strides we have made. I am grateful for the medical care we do have available, even as I want to challenge us to be provide better. I am grateful that my children have a wonderful school district in an amazing community and that we can raise them in a healthy place where a variety of activities are available for their enjoyment and enrichment. And when I remember that everything I do is for family and that my children are thriving it reminds me Why I work this hard burning the candle at both ends.

    I truly care about my parents and about my children and my family as a whole and doing everything I can to give them the best life possible as far as it depends on the choices I make. I received this text from a dear friend who I respect very much. The whole text made my day, this part in particular:

    “You are a warrior and take such good care of your family. Remember to take care of yourself too.”

    As I walk this long winding road in this season of life and step up as a warrior for the cause of my family each day, I haven’t yet found the best way to also take care of myself. Yet is one of my favorite words though, I know I can and will learn at some point. But for now I am focusing on the “Why” for getting up early and getting to bed late so that I can keep it all going in this season for those who count on me. They matter so much to me and they are my Why.

  • April 28, 2025

    Glad You’re With Her

    She meant so very well. She has always been warm as can be to my family and I and she is a compassionate, caring, mom and retired nurse. But today, after I sent a text update on my mom that included a family member on my dad’s side, she concluded a text of encouraging responses with “glad you can be with her.”

    I hearted the whole text because I appreciate her love and encouragement, but here’s the thing, I’m not with Mom. And this brought up a little guilt I had to briefly work through today because, as planned ahead of time, my husband and I are away on a long weekend trip. We got the trip insurance in case something did not go smoothly with the surgery or the weather or a number of other factors. But we made arrangements for another family member to visit Mom today and to take care for our dog while Dad is also out of town for one night. And we hit the road knowing Mom is recovering and well cared for.

    I was there for 9 plus hours the day of the surgery and the big hospital is almost an hour away. And I am not writing this because I think my family member would judge if she knew I wasn’t with Mom today, but instead because of the feelings it brought up in me. I have spent an unbelievable number of hours at appointments and in the ED and visiting at the hospital and with in-home care team members and ordering and picking up supplies and helping to provide care.

    If you are an advocate or a caregiver, take note. Sometimes when our loved one is stable, recovering, and under the care of others (with or without loved ones visiting) it is helpful for us to focus on our kids and ourselves and to seize the opportunity to be away from where ongoing support may be needed in the future.

  • April 28, 2025

    Glad You’re With Her

    She meant so very well. She has always been warm as can be to my family and I and she is a compassionate, caring, mom and retired nurse. But today, after I sent a text update on my mom that included a family member on my dad’s side, she concluded a text of encouraging responses with “glad you can be with her.”

    I hearted the whole text because I appreciate her love and encouragement, but here’s the thing, I’m not with Mom. And this brought up a little guilt I had to briefly work through today because, as planned ahead of time, my husband and I are away on a long weekend trip. We got the trip insurance in case something did not go smoothly with the surgery or the weather or a number of other factors. But we made arrangements for another family member to visit Mom today and to take care for our dog while Dad is also out of town for one night. And we hit the road knowing Mom is recovering and well cared for.

    I was there for 9 plus hours the day of the surgery and the big hospital is almost an hour away. And I am not writing this because I think my family member would judge if she knew I wasn’t with Mom today, but instead because of the feelings it brought up in me. I have spent an unbelievable number of hours at appointments and in the ED and visiting at the hospital and with in-home care team members and ordering and picking up supplies and helping to provide care.

    If you are an advocate or a caregiver, take note. Sometimes when our loved one is stable, recovering, and under the care of others (with or without loved ones visiting) it is helpful for us to focus on our kids and ourselves and to seize the opportunity to be away from where ongoing support may be needed in the future.

  • August 22, 2025

    Fun Fact about Founder and Family

    My aunt, Mom’s only sibling, started a fun tradition with my two older cousins of a first day of school treasure hunt where they followed clues around the house or yard after school on the first day to end up finding a prize or gift. When I headed to kindergarten and beyond, Mom set up those treasure hunts for me at the end of every first day of school with poetic clues.

    I carry the tradition on with my kids and though I am running behind this year with a lot going on, I’ve written the clues and we plan to do the hunts over the weekend. It’s something the kids love to do and I hope they will share it with their children one day.

  • August 16, 2025

    Facts about Founder and Family

    Getting ready for another child’s birthday party bumped the blog post from Friday night to Saturday again. Last evening I decided I was too exhausted to blog after emptying out a carload of clearance party items and Walmart food. Decided that Walmart on a Friday night is not my favorite (but I spent all day finishing up the library hikes with my 4 kids and getting my most social teen son to a birthday hang out) and I needed to do my shopping before my prep. It was crowded and a little creepy at times (a story for another day), but I ran into a sweet friend who is also family on my husband’s side by marriage and we made plans to go second-hand shopping when the kids are back in school. And I am really looking forward to it!! Mom and I are very big into thrift stores, yard sales, and consignment shops and sales and I have found friends that share my passion for great deals also.

    As a sandwiched adult, however, it’s very difficult to decide how to spend one’s precious VERY LITTLE spare time. For me it doesn’t count if my kids are along or if Mom or Dad is with me. And with regard to my husband it absolutely depends on what kind of mood I’m in or he’s in and what we plan to do. Often it’s quality time when I am with my family, but it’s not that incredibly rare special free time that I almost never get.

    If it’s truly free time it’s quite fulfilling for me to head to a coffee shop, restaurant or spa especially with a friend or group of friends who truly get me. But I have to fight the urge to use the quiet to catch up on errands that need to be done (while looking for a few fun things that I’m shopping for at the same time and planning ahead to find things for the next child’s party) or to get work done for work while it’s quiet or to clean up the never-ending dumpster fire mess in my house.

    I know in my gut how badly I need space and time just to rest and recharge after having the kids all summer (that’s no joke trying to keep them from truly fighting and desperately trying to keep them from way too much screen time). But I also want to re-connect with my friends who understand me and to have a whole uninterrupted cup of coffee and conversation. This feels like a need also. And our family benefits from improved order around here and needs the errands to be done so if my husband had his way I would spend every spare moment making sure the errands are done and, especially, that the house is in fantastic order.

    The struggle is real to find balance in it all and to fill those open hours when there’s not an appointment or an occasion to prepare for and my parents don’t have an immediate need and I am not working and the kids are busy usually at school and the dog does not have an appointment or a need either. And I haven’t even started talking about how meals always need to be made usually by me.

    While sandwiched, what’s left after all of that is almost nothing. And I am very fortunate to work part-time or there really would be no spare time.

  • August 13, 2025

    If You Don’t

    My husband believes that you should have every bit of your work done before you rest. I am more of an alternate between work and breaks kind of person. This post is not about which is better, though my husband is hard-working, efficient and has always been successful and would argue all day that he knows the best way to complete many tasks.

    So from his perspective, if you don’t have your work done, if you don’t have your living space cleaned up and organized, if you don’t have your laundry done, etc, you should not make plans to go do something fun and you should not relax. He will allow himself exceptions and would agree with others doing so. One exception is that if you know you’ve truly worked hard for a full day and got most of what must be done accomplished, there can be a quitting time. Another exception when he is not super busy is to take a day off on the weekend, usually Sunday. All of this has a lot to do with the way he was raised, but there are specific personality traits involved as well.

    I am much more of a free spirit these days. I tended to keep up with household tasks to a T when we were first married because I was an adoring wife with stars in my eyes and I was in graduate school without working outside of the home and we did not yet have children so I invested a significant amount of time cleaning, organizing, and cooking in our little condo where there wasn’t much to clean or organize and usually only two to cook for.

    These days the house is turned upside down with 8 of us plus the dog and while the kids are messy, I am the one who has the most piles to be dealt with because I am assigned the most different categories to manage and I like to bring a lot of extra fun and celebrating to life even though it’s not a need. Sometimes, though, as I get older and busier and my parents” health and aging related needs grow, it feels and IS more difficult to move all of the mountains I used to move and there are just plain more of those mountains to move in many ways. Other mountains (diapers, feedings, keeping toddlers from the edge) have disappeared. But the point is that I just don’t and Won’t wait for my life to pass me by while cleaning and tidying up or doing laundry until I drop.

    Just doing what’s absolutely necessary to meet our needs plus our main goals takes most of the available time. And it’s not in my nature to simplify for the sake of simplification. It’s possible that there are ways to better compromise for some extra time to breathe and regroup, but I’ll admit I have some FOMO and I am going to throw the big birthday parties and deck the halls on many of the holidays and leave the big clutter mess and full laundry baskets and get some sleep before I leave for our big family trip.

    And now we have another big birthday party this weekend and the house is still a clutter mess and the laundry will always be there waiting for me and I want to plan a little Fall getaway for us and the kids and we are truly at a deadlocked impasse on this because my husband claims he has wanted a tidy organized house for the last decade and hasn’t gotten it and wants us (mostly me) to stay home and get it all done (there are a number of issues with this that could fill multiple posts) and I feel like it would be a whole lot more motivating and a whole lot less suffocating to put this little getaway on the calendar and book the place so that I have it to look forward to.

    We’ll see how it turns out. Hoping to convince him to seize the moment and take the little trip. Hoping the desire for order over any other doesn’t win.

  • August 12, 2025

    So How’s Your Mom?

    These days as a sandwiched individual who has been advocating for my parents for years now, with quite a bit of advocacy for Mom for almost a year now under the ongoing circumstances, people who haven’t seen me for a while say hello and tend to ask about Mom right away. It’s kind and considerate and I tell them that she’s uncomfortable on her ongoing liquid diet, but stable as she awaits surgery.

    What is the actual diagnosis? What kind of surgery is she to have? Who’s the surgeon? What is the recovery supposed to be like?

    I get it. I am someone who asks a lot of questions so that I can learn more about things and to demonstrate support for others when the questions do not seem too intrusive. And these questions are not intrusive. I have been very open, with Mom’s permission, about the whole journey so that others may learn from our experiences and be better able to advocate for their loved ones and themselves. And these caring people’s prayers and kind words and support are everything when walking through all that comes along with having medical needs or being there for someone who does.

    But it does feel strange to be here. To be of the generation who is asked these questions quickly after a greeting, almost in the same breath. And those who ask are quite often my age or older and/or are individuals who work in the medical field or who have been sandwiched themselves.

    It’s a relatable place to be. I am not alone, but there is a loneliness to knowing I am the one who will be responsible for every pre-op form, every post-op update, every aftercare instruction.

    And though I have experienced much thus far in this medical realm, advocating as the daughter, this does not mean I am prepared for what is next. I am not prepared, but I will go and do my best again while leaning on my village to seek information, guidance, and support.

  • August 9, 2025

    Fun Fact On a Saturday

    Writing my first (and possibly only blog post on a Saturday because I truly completely forgot to post last evening as I was totally consumed by planning an epic tea party for my child’s birthday with friends. I had help from some of the very best people for the job and who step up and show up for me more often than I can count.

    Together we made it Amazing! It was a Wonderland tea party and was indeed a wonder. Making beautiful core memories through celebrating life is my favorite. Thankful for all of the people who partied with us. It was the most beautiful day for us all!

  • August 7, 2025

    Different Standards

    It can be extremely difficult when people who live together, or who are in a serious relationship with one another, have different standards for how the house will be kept, how the shared schedule will look, what to spend money on, and what to make for dinner.

    My husband and I have had plenty of wars over all of these things. Sometimes we come to an agreement, sometimes one of us has to accept that we are not getting what we prefer, and sometimes we are just at odds like we are right now. We see so much so very differently. It didn’t seem to matter when we were much younger. And now it’s the same things on repeat.

    Being a licensed therapist does not make you immune from marital conflict. And though you may know, and try to communicate the solutions ad nauseam, if the other person does not choose to do to work individually and as a couple to engage in pursuing helpful solutions there are a number of very significant challenges.

    This post is not a post about divorce. This post is also not a post about conflict resolution, marital counseling, or reconciliation, growth, or improvement. It is about the dark valley that any of us can find ourselves in when we invest an unfathomable amount of everything that we have and everything that makes us who we are and we find ourselves without that expected return on our investment. We find ourselves wondering how we got to a place of questioning whether all we have given and continue to give has been worth it.

    This post is not about whether it has or it hasn’t been worth it. It’s about those moments when it’s almost impossible to remember that there’s absolutely so very much hope and so very much to hope in, despite the imperfections of both human beings in every relationship and despite the state of being on such very different pages and sometimes even different planets of thought and behavior.

    I’ve been here before and I am holding space for the weight of all this again today. May you know that I see you and I have been there if you are in, have been in, or will be in a similar position.

    When it all felt like more than I could handle today with unexpected words of condemnation coming at me almost simultaneously from three significant adults in my life, I texted a best friend. I set verbal boundaries firmly. And I used ACT principles to practice Mindful Radical Acceptance and to shift my focus back to meaningful work. There are many other worthy tools.

    Relational conflicts, even for seasons, can be a very heavy part of the sandwiched stage. Know that you are not the first or the only one to experience this and that you can trust yourself to know what is and is not best.

  • July 30, 2025

    Making it Work

    As I eased myself out of bed this morning I pleasantly found that my aches and pains from hotel mattresses and alternating between hiking and riding in a mini van had mostly subsided. But my smiles about that were short-lived as I realized I needed to hurry through my coffee and breakfast (even though almost nobody else in the house was up yet and the near silence sounded wonderful) to log on for my 7 AM client. I see a small limit of clients per week, especially in the summer, as I am primary caregiver, camp counselor, and beyond for my four children all summer (both a tremendous privilege and quite a challenge) and advocate for both parents as they navigate their medical needs. My husband gets up, showers, shaves, and leaves for the office without interruptions or much to consider outside of his personal care and upcoming professional responsbilities.

    If I want to work beyond my roles as wife, mother, daughter and co-house manager, I have to make it work because I have loved ones relying on me. So this morning it was just the one terrific client (I have the best clients almost all of the time and when there are challenges it is rare that I cannot understand why) and then I grabbed an active shirt and threw my hair up in a ponytail and we were off on an adventure to meet another mom with active kids for two of the hardest library hikes. We hiked about 4 1/2 miles between the two hikes (which is a lot for me and my lifestyle) and enjoyed many beautiful sights and a whole lot of complaining from the kids. But I got to catch up with my friend about all things work, kids, kids’ schools, experiences with our family members’ medical issues, travel and trips, and all manner of the sweetest conversation while hiking and swimming afterward. I rarely see her between our yearly hike day with the kids as our kids are in different local school districts and understandably haven’t remained friends beyond their younger years in the local play group where we met, but we made this pleasant catch up work while simultaneously getting our kids fresh air, exercise, and space for creative activities without screens for a good 6 hours plus. She understands that part of making it work is that she packs her own lunch for herself and her own kids while I just have to bring ours (subbed the lunch packing out to my 15 year old son to make that work) so that we can all enjoy my amazing neighbor’s pool together and I am hosting but not going to the extra effort of providing a lunch which may not be a favorite for her and her kids.

    My thoughtful in-laws offered again to take one kiddo at a time for a couple of nights each to give them special attention and activities away from what is often a chaotic rhythm of collective living at our house. Each child gets to pick the meals my mom-in-law cooks and the fast food and treats they go out and enjoy and they get to do all kinds of fun things with both of my husband’s active parents. So a bonus after a long day keeping up with the kids and their needs was the fact that my middle son heading off with my mom-in-law, I whipped up some eggs for the other kids, and we got some toast and freezer waffles out and everyone basically could fend for themselves with some minor support. Sometimes to make it work we keep it super simple. I’ve also had an awesome cleaning person do wonders here this week. I can only afford one half day per week, but it’s worth it. And we’ve had groceries delivered to restock. Sometimes I go, but often I make use of the awesome memberships available to me.

    I’m not a magician or an octopus. Mom always used to say that about herself as she juggled all of the things back when she was in a similar sandwiched stage of life. She made it work and each day, somehow, I make it work too.