I took my dad to a 6:30 am EKG this morning after getting home last evening from our two week trip with the kids. Did one load of laundry and spent my breakfast being the listening ear my dad needed. Called the pedi office to see if I can bring my daughter, who has been sick on and off with cold symptoms for a few weeks and now has quite a cough, to see if I can bring her along to be seen there while I brought my teen son for his wellness check up or before or after. My son’s appointment was at 9:40 AM, not one of the popular timeslots before or after parents’ work days. But they could not get her in.
Thankfully both early morning appointments went well and brought helpful results. But then I had to head back out with my daughter to urgent care for a sick visit. They were helpful but it took me right up to zipping home to get there in the nick of time for my first client and the other three today
My fifteen year old got everyone lunch while I worked, but by the time I was done it was time to pop dozen pizzas in the oven and open fruit and veggie trays and call it dinner as my husband made his way home.
As I skipped preheating and hoped for the best as usual, I called my husband and vented about how I felt I got nothing done today because I didn’t unpack, I barely did laundry, and picking up around here escaped me as it often does. My husband was on point today and reminded me that I took loved ones to 3 doctors and saw 4 clients and that that’s a 7 hour day alone right there not to mention the drives, chores, and being there for all 4 of my children and both of my parents in different ways.
It’s enough, but there’s not enough of me to go around. And I’m sandwiched and each day brings many challenges with opportunities right now.
I know I am not the first to mention this issue, but I have sadly reached the age where I sleep with a certain arrangement of pillows because without them I frequently wake up feeling like I’m in traction. And these days calls are becoming more frequent from my parents when I have already headed to bed that lead to me getting up and going downstairs to deal with a need. It reminds me of when I had newborns and honestly, I know it can get much more frequent and a lot worse.
It’s almost time to go home, but we are traveling on an adventure with our kids that is taking us many places back to back to back and has also led us to stay at a number of different places and to sleep in a series of different borrower beds.
Flying does not easily allow for packing a pile of pillows so I have been trying to recreate my pillow pile to no avail. And every single morning on this trip without exception I wake up literally hours before I need to be awake finding that I need to get up right away because of new levels of the discomfort. Without the skillful arrangement of the aforementioned pillows and without a mattress similar to mine at home, I know I am planning to be up early and often throughout the night.
Shout out to just the right pillows and, while we’re at it, to the best mattresses too! The primary caregivers and advocates need our rest and find it frequently disrupted or tough to come by due to other priorities and responsibilities (both expected and unexpected). When we lose we are very unlikely to get a chance to rest another time soon afterward.
When you don’t get to sleep because of meeting another person’s needs it’s an amazing selfless act, but at the same time, it can take a significant toll. May the sandwiched and all caregivers and advocates find ways to get the very best sleep when we have time for it.
We checked into a hotel with an indoor water park in or at and our boys were already having the time of their lives with their dad on the big water slides while I, Mom, was holding everyone’s shoes and a big bag of things we thought we might need as there was no available table or chair in sight and we try to avoid at least some of the extra fees like the locker fee.
Then this amazing fellow mom, a complete stranger, waived me over and said it was just her at her table and I was welcome to sit there. Perfect for keeping an eye on my daughter in the play areas for younger kiddos- front row seat.
Then my husband (after going to the rental vehicle to locate our second son’s second croc) brought me more to hold and then asked “aren’t you going in?” He felt it was fine to just leave our stuff including cell phones and i wasn’t comfortable with that without a locker. Plus the other mom at the table had gotten up to get a double tube for our daughter and her daughter to ride around together and I didn’t want to leave her stuff unattended.
Like a living coat rack my children have been hanging things on me or placing them in my hands since they could crawl and the load has only gotten heavier when there’s things to do. It seems to come with the territory that Mom is to hold this, watch this, do this and in many ways it’s a special honor, until the expectations overwhelm and the literal weight of things pile up. Sometimes it really is just a lot.
Very thankful for other moms who jump in to ease my four ring circus sometimes in a pinch when it feels like even with my husband and I there’s not enough parenting, refereeing, and overseeing to go around.
It felt nice to be able to just sit in this extra chair this evening as we’ll be doing plenty more over the weekend and because at home Mom has been handing me her things for years as well.
If you’re a caregiver, I see you. If you feel like a human coat rack; I’m right there with you. And if you’re sandwiched and your parents or older loved ones are now placing their things in your hands in more ways than one; you’re not alone.
It’s worked out last summer and this summer that my husband and I have taken our four children on a trip for two weeks straight. We have other mini getaways here and there to much closer places maybe once a quarter and honestly most of the time those are just me with the kids for a night exploring a kid-friendly place.
In order to do that as a sandwiched primary support person it 100 percent takes a village. Now I admit I am still in a phase where I am extremely fortunate. Though I am an only child (so there is literally no one to which I can volley the parent ball that I have in the air) my parents were willing to move in with my family of 6 and our golden doodle 4 years ago. They moved about two hours away from the county Mom lived in her entire life and where Dad lived since they were married. We sold two houses and bought one that fits all of us together. So when we go away they just stay at the family home in their routine. And for now, Dad is still making their meals (though it’s pretty simple at the moment because Mom’s on a liquid diet awaiting surgery at the big hospital the day after we get back from this trip and many days he accepts our invitation to just join us in enjoying what I made or what my husband made). Dad is able to let our dog in and out to keep her in her routine, to get her food and water, and to give her her medicine. Mom is able to (and loves to) give the dog plenty of attention and brushes her while she sits obediently every day.
We have a list of phone numbers on the inside of a cabinet door for issues that may come up (plumber, electrician, HVAC, etc, along with some phone numbers for closest neighbors who are wonderful). But as wonderful as they are our neighbors are Understandably busy with their own lives, families, retirement traveling, personal health concerns, and the list goes on. Many have volunteered to help as needed and some definitely have helped with things here and there in the past, but our closer village includes our local close friends. So 7 different couples, my in-laws, and the woman who cleans for us are taking two days each “on call” for if something comes up. I rearranged all of Mom and Dad’s appointments (except one which is over telehealth and would be considered helpful, but not urgent) to make sure there is nothing going on during these two weeks out of their normal routine which includes Dad’s typical errands. Dear friends are taking care of some chores in our absence and the on-call friends agree to either 48 hours straight where they are the ones to call (after us of course!) if something arises (or a few people are taking two single days separated based on availability). Last year Mom and Dad did not have to call anyone except us. We are hopeful that it will remain this way.
We have been truly blessed by the ability to have home health come in on a temporary basis when needed and to utilize short term rehab facilities on a temporary basis for Mom. We have not yet had to privately hire respite caregivers, part-time caregivers, or full-time care-givers. I’ve talked to close friends and family members and the name of one agency keeps coming up as a trusted one, but I cringe every time I think about having to have strangers come into our home to provide help and care. I have already provided some direct care for Mom and I am not opposed to doing so again. But I know that as the only child I will not be able to provide that care around the clock. I imagine the first step will be respite support while my family vacations the next time, unless Mom is in a condition to travel with us which we have done sometimes in the past when renting a house or condo unit or cabin. I cannot imagine what the process of choosing a person or group of people to provide this care will look like and feel like. It’s almost enough to make me want to stay home.
But I enjoy getting away, I have young children and need to live their lives with them too, and my life does not feel complete without my work. I have sought and continue to seek the best possible balance, sustaining a juggling act for the record books. But as my therapist tells me, it’s not sustainable as it is. There will be changes that are out of my comfort zone. We will need more help, very likely before next summer’s longer travel. We will see how it all works out. Maybe next summer it will make sense to bring them along. Maybe it will prove possible to temporarily hire someone we know and trust to provide meal support, reassurance, and help with chores if we do not need direct care for Mom and Dad at that time.
Maybe it will work out better than I could have imagined. We will find a way to manage that we can make work out for the 8 of us and our favorite dog too.
When you’re sandwiched, there simply are no sick days, at list not without getting others (likely multiple others) to accommodate said sick days. This morning the provider at urgent care found red throats for Dad and I and a very red infected ear for me in addition to sinus infections and we headed home with prescriptions for antibiotics.
However, while Dad came home to his awaiting bed (I will say that he grabbed Mom’s protein drink first and got up to make her soup at lunchtime), I came home to more outstanding work paperwork, packing, meal prep, laundry, and errands. My decision to head out right before noon to pick up my prescription and get my 12 year old to the library was questionable because, as I soon realized, everyone was out at that time. The drive thru was packed and someone I just couldn’t handle talking to while sick was in the inside line so did a 180 out of line and headed to the car to move onto the library, sans prescription.
As I was pulling out of the pharmacy parking lot to satisfy my son’s need to read Anthony Horowitz, another medical call came in to get Mom scheduled for the appointment for the gastroenterology provider from the big hospital system who does apparently know about nutrition. I had the wherewithal to tell the caller I was driving and I needed her to pause while I merged and she was very nice and accommodating, but I scheduled that appointment, drove to the library, and came home to just keep swimming.
Thankfully I had a virtual therapy session for myself today at just the right time after losing patience with the kids and simmering with self-loathing over my limits. Post therapy I self-reflective, but also self-compassionate and going to bed very early after taking my antibiotics and leaning on my husband to take care of bed time for our youngest kiddos. Now hopefully it’s a quiet evening in Mom and Dad’s suite or the cell will be ringing.
There truly isn’t sick time while sandwiched. There is no relief for the primary caregivers and advocates, the sandwiched, Unless and Until someone chooses to provide backup. It’s a season without clocking out, sun up to sun down.
My daughter is almost 7 years old (and is currently having a tantrum over the tissue box I gave her for her room that she does not want while I am attempting to write this in the first spare moments I’ve had today) and she asked me a little while ago why she and her oldest brother had to find me her plastic toy tiny house the other day so that he could take a picture of it for my blog. I told her that I wrote the story of what her oldest brother is (and is not) offering to do for my care as I get older and need care and support (See the June 25, 2025 post for that full story).
At that time she expressed that she understood (and just now told me she loved me and skipped away with the tissue box she picked out from the closet herself) and proceeded to lavish me with all that she plans to do for me in my golden years. Her mommy is going to live in a large house with her and her family. There will be an art room, a relaxation room, and any room I want. She noted that she will build robots to provide me with spa services on demand and, very importantly, expressed that we will have many choices at every dinner (with a family of our size she hears at least one person saying “that’s disgusting” about the dinner we have before us).
Sold!
After receiving the precious gift of three amazing sons, I was prepared to go all-in with the “Boy Mom” merch and give up the dream of Also having a daughter when I entered my gender revealing ultrasound while expecting my fourth. I ended up asking the following question about a thousand times to the ultrasound tech who I believe was fairly new as she announced that I was having a GIRL!! “Are you sure? Are you sure? Are you sure?” What a mountaintop moment! I enjoyed a lot of baby girl shopping that day. Looking forward to moving into that utopia one day. Hope it’s still available when I need it!
Of course I’ve struggled with self-worth. Plenty. Something that comes up in every session with my therapist is one of my maladaptive core beliefs that is Not serving me, feeling like I am not Enough. I believe I was chosen to be my children’s mother and that I am just the right mother for them. My faith tells me that I don’t need to be Enough because God goes before me and has redeemed it all. And the women in my life (at least those who I continue to give the most access to me) remind me of my worth all the time. We do that for each other and it’s pretty critical for our sanity.
But this post is not about anyone’s self-worth. It’s about the role that I play in this family and the role that SO many caregiver-advocates (often women) play. Tonight at another sweet and long overdue extended family gathering, one of Steve’s aunts, who I know well, was chatting with me about a number of topics from family vacation planning/packing tips and tricks to what exactly I am doing for work right now. Well, sadly a campus where I work part time as a contracted counselor is going to be closing and there is a lot up-in-the-air about my options there, and my online job could give me more work, but I am so busy being all I can be for my loved ones who rely on me, I’m just not sure I want to bite off more than I choose to chew. She provided all the active listening and supportive reflection of any great therapy session and when I told her I was not sure if I had the time to commit to a full-time job, at least not one in-person at this time, because of everyone I am responsible for and the many needs going on here. I shared that if I could find a full-time job that I love that is at least partially remote so that I can attend loved one’s appointments with some flexibility, and pays enough so that I can pay someone to come take on some of what I do for everyone around here, then it could work. I then shared that my husband is always telling me that I will not find a job that pays enough to hire someone to do all that I do.
She responded with every bit of well-meaning intention and said, “Maybe you’re worth more than you realize.” And to be honest, she’s right, my unpaid efforts in serving my family would cost us an incredible amount if we had to pay others to take it on (and it would definitely take others, plural, because there is no way any one person is taking all of this on). And I do realize it and I have seen it studied, researched and written about before, how our society relies heavily on one individual or a couple of individuals to take on care for the elderly and to serve in supportive roles in an infinite number of ways. My parents barely gave any thought to what they would do when they got older and couldn’t do much anymore because my mom sacrificed so much to take care of my grandparents with her sister and my dad’s youngest siblings did a lot (with some help here and there from the older siblings) to serve and care for their dad before he passed away. My dad lost his mother when she was in her early 40s to Cancer while his siblings were young. They just assumed I would take on what was needed and I’m not necessarily saying it is wrong, per se, there is a lot of meaning, value, and purpose in the work, but I will say that it feels less than fair that it’s all not more of a team effort on the part of the family as a whole.
Steve’s aunt is an amazing, devoted wife and mother of 3 adult children who are all married and she’s an involved grandmother of 7. She was the youngest of 4 siblings who lived the closest, did not work outside of the home at the time, and ended up providing the most care, advocacy, and support to each of her parents as they aged. I know very few details, but my understanding is that she helped support and advocate for her in-laws as well. She has been there and done that, all of it and she is an incredible person. But I can’t help but wonder if there are ways to streamline it all and to not expect the sandwiched to carry every load, but instead to have more systems of support in place, more resources that help available, and fewer family members without a plan for the future that just expect the next generation to figure it out with them when the time comes. Can we do better? Let’s do better, we’re worth it.
When sandwiched, it tends to take a miracle to get a day off and forget about a date night or getaway weekend with the one you love without moving heaven and earth. If you have kids and aging parents, I’m sure you know.
If your relationship can withstand the stress of raising kids and advocating for parents all at once, then you’re both likely putting in a lot of effort to be intentional about the things that matter. That is not easy and it is not automatic. If it feels like it is, you’re probably not truly in the thick of it with your kids and parents all at once or you’re the exception.
There’s plenty of research about relationships out there and I honestly have not had the time to look up what is out the on relationships while sandwiched, but I will say that I am thankful that I am about to celebrate 20 years of marriage and 26 years together overall and not trying to navigate the dating world right now with everything else I have going on.
But even on a night when my in-laws have the kids with their cousins, we were cleaning up from an extended family gathering and my husband decided it was too late to watch the movie we were planning to watch because he had to work the next day and I had to spend 8 hours with his sister and family in town as we only get to see them twice a year and our kids were ready for some quality cousin time with parents and grandparents. So, in fairness, we were too tired for much. And it was worth it; we’d hosted an epic gathering with many local members of both sides of my husband’s extended family at our generous neighbor’s backyard pool and seeing the kids playing together in bliss, dozens of second cousins who rarely see each other, instantly friends again. Totally worth it. But often there isn’t time, there isn’t energy, and there isn’t much for the kids to do in our absence.
Sometimes we let screens save the date while our 15 and almost 13 year old put on the movie and watch with the youngest two and we hope for the best with my parents while we escape to our room or, very very rarely (we’re talking once a quarter if that) escape to a restaurant or a movie very close by. Other times we swap dropping off our kids with others while we take their kids another time. My husband’s work took us away as a couple to a sales meeting two years in a row and both dear friends and my in-laws helped, but the packing, the labeling, the lists, and the swapping is all part of it. There are joys in some of it and my mom-in-law and mom friends do Everything possible to make things easier, but it’s just not.
We spent over an hour today talking about plans for Thursday for our 20th anniversary that wasn’t yet planned. My husband named a special restaurant important to us in the past that had crossed my mind and we were both happy he made the reservation. And we realized our youngest has a birthday party she can attend while we are out and my parents are around for major emergencies, our neighbors are amazing if the worst comes up, and between my 15 year old and almost 13 year old we have a semblance of one pretty active babysitter who can get us through. But we asked a lot of questions about timing, about planning dinner for them ahead, quite frankly about managing our expectations in general.
We’ll likely get out to dinner, but my husband took off the whole day to consider spending it together and we realized we have swimming lessons to run to, we cannot think of much to do locally during a day out on a Thursday, so the planning continues and tends to feel less fun with every extra planning conversation and effort required.
I like to tell young parents expecting their first child, “Leave the house at random times carrying as little as possible as often as you can right now, just because you can.” I should also urge them to seize those spontaneous dates while they still can. We may spontaneously date again in retirement, but I don’t imagine it will be the same. Comedies at home are a favorite of ours to laugh together and break the ice of an era that threatens to consume us or maybe already has. There are certainly bright spots of course, but we know all too well that it’s complicated. Not much is just us right now. We would not ultimately trade the ones we love to streamline it, but yet we also sometimes wish we were like the few couples that find a way to make each other a true priority. But there are honestly times where there isn’t time.
Though I’m an only child, mom has one sibling, an older sister by only 15 months. She is quite often there for us in many ways and her kids felt like older siblings while I was growing up. Dad has 6 siblings, all younger than he, 4 still living and the living aunts are the lifeblood of the family, arranging the remaining gatherings and stepping up in many ways to provide encouragement and to handle quite a bit. In Dad’s family two of his sisters were nurses and a brother was a pharmacist. Those in my family that work or have worked in the medical field make me believe in and hope for the excellence that could be; and they help me to know that that excellence does exist when systems that work meet effort on the part of the individual serving or treating the patient or training and working with the family.
My in-laws are blessed with 3 siblings each and though all branches of our family have experienced losses, both my father-in-law and mother-in-law still have all 3 siblings each. I appreciated seeing big families on both sides in my husband’s life when I met him and married him and though nothing is perfect we have all been blessed by having the privilege to know and spend time with so many family members.
There have been some reunions with some of the families over the years and I love to be part of them. However, I see how much time, energy, and effort goes into hosting and bringing everyone together so it’s rarely possible. But yet the time together is sweet and truly life-giving when it happens.
A good friend of mine is sandwiched right now and if I told you how many of her own incredible children she and her husband are raising in 2025 you might not believe me. But she is caring for her mother-in-law while mothering her own children and pretty recently cared for her father-in-law as well in the most selfless manner. We were chatting this week about a few of the latest challenges for each of us and I mentioned that it must be very challenging for her and her husband to care for their own home while also caring for her mother-in-law’s home nearby and just acknowledging that I see how much they have taken on with such a willingness to serve and show compassion and to show their kids what it looks like to serve family. I mentioned that I am very grateful that my parents were willing to move in with our family and combine our homes into one home. It makes it far easier to manage one home and to provide care and transportation to appointments and meals and interact with home health from one home base. And I am certainly grateful that heading back to bed in my own home is only steps away from where I run to if they need me. My friend and I talked about how much easier it is to do this because I am an only child and there are no other children, children-in-law, or grandchildren for my parents to consider, to host, to allow a seat at the decision-making table. While the advocating alone is tough, not to mention managing the phone calls and appointments and medications and diet specifications and more, it’s a bit of a blessing in disguise that I don’t have to involve anyone else as we might not be on the same page and that could certainly add another layer of challenges.
So this morning my mom got up at 5:30 AM (and she is not a morning person) to be ready and in the car for me to take her to an echocardiogram at the small hospital’s outpatient cardiac center. It was a quick check up precaution as a surgeon nicked her in early February and her BP tanked to 40 and she experienced ischemia. We were told the ischemia was likely to not cause permanent damage, but we also hope the big hospital’s surgeons will operate on her in August to remove the rest of the scar tissue inside that seems to be causing the repeated blockages so an updated echo is helpful for that as well.
Anytime I take Mom to an appointment we need to get her into her older, small car because she is unable to get into our SUVs because of how high they are. She’s 5 feet half an inch tall and has bone on bone knees (updated xray last week confirmed that they are some of the worst the orthopedic surgeon has seen and that they both need to be replace which we knew) so getting her in the car is a whole thing. Then getting the wheelchair once we arrive and getting her out and into the wheelchair is a whole other thing, so we leave plenty of time.
The echo involved an upper body change into a gown and then getting mom up onto a hospital bed. Things were going well until the technician administering the echo made a big announcement to us that she would be putting in an IV for contrast to get better pictures of a certain area. It was unexpected because outside of the hospital setting we don’t remember Mom getting an IV outpatient or having to have the contrast for an echo (at least not outpatient) so that was a little unsettling/surprising, but we took a deep breath and nodded along. Well Mom has become somewhat of a tough stick and the technician tried several times to find a vein that would be suitable to put in the IV and add the contrast. When after several tries she simply said never mind, that she would take a few more images and it is probably good enough and she does not want to hurt my mom, “well ok” I said, “But are the images with the contrast needed? If so, should we go over to the hospital where there is an IV team to get them?” Her response was that it is a Monday morning and the hospital is not an option for us.
I am not condemning her in any way. I am glad she stopped sticking Mom while she was ahead, when she recognized her own limits and the limits of the situation, but why isn’t there a backup for situations like this? Can we have a nursing supervisor who is IV team certified to get that IV in so we can take the images while we are here? Mom cannot possibly be the only outpatient echo patient who is a tough stick. Where’s the back up? Also, Mom’s test results came back as suspected, very few issues (just monitoring needed), but I am left wondering if they missed something because we didn’t do the contrast. I am trying to pick my battles with the small hospital because they are the closest to our home; it’s our family’s local hospital, but seriously, where is the clear communication about why she needed that contrast? To get a better image of what?
If I had pushed, would she, as a technician, have been able to give us more info? Often they are vague because they are not the provider. We’ll wait for now to have the provider’s office call us with the results and advise us. And again, we definitely were not looking for unnecessary sticking but we came here, after quite the process, and got Mom on the table. Can we get the job done? Is it never mind, you don’t need it? Or will we be called back in, adding more to my schedule (which already feels like the puzzle of the century) and more discomfort to Mom to get back to the facility and back on the table for another test?
Hopefully they have what they need, but you simply cannot make this up. Dear small hospital, please get your staff the back up they need and train them to communicate what is necessary and helpful in a way that gives the patient and family a true picture of what is going on, why we are taking these steps, and what the next steps are.
Since then later this morning I received a call from the mobile lab about coming tomorrow to do the every two week blood draw that the big hospital wants before Mom goes to her outpatient appointment with those surgeons next week. We went to the lab for the first blood draw with the little paper prescription two weeks ago on Tuesday. The amazing home health nurse listened and found out that it’s tough to get Mom to the lab every 2 weeks and since Mom has home health she got us set up with the mobile lab and they called right on time to come 2 weeks after what they believed was the last known blood draw as planned. However, Mom’s setback last week brought her to the big hospital’s ED on Tuesday and thankfully we picked her up from the ED Wednesday. However, blood was drawn during that time, so this morning I realized that maybe we don’t need to have blood drawn tomorrow, maybe it’s to be 2 weeks from when she last had it drawn at the big hospital. So I wrote down the mobile lab’s phone number (thankful I didn’t forget to do that), then called the number associated with Mom’s surgical outpatient appointment next week (waited on hold, pressed the right number after listening to a list of possibilities, and then was told that I needed to be transferred to a voicemail for the nurses for this practice and they would get back to me). There does not appear to be a simple way to find the answer to a fairly simple question.
And to add to it- I spent 28 minutes on the phone today with the small hospital system’s pediatric office to schedule my four children’s wellness visits. That was a whole thing because our insurance told me in the past that our children can have more than one wellness visit in a year because sometimes scheduling works best right before a year has passed before the last visit occurred. My understanding is that that is a rare privilege to have that coverage. Nothing has changed with our coverage, but the office is now telling me that even though you can have more than one in a calendar year, so you can schedule before it’s been a year since the last appointment, you have to schedule only one visit while your child is a certain age, so you have to make sure the next visit is after their next birthday. I asked if he was sure that this was confirmed and he told me he cannot confirm anything and I need to call the number on the back of my insurance card. Not wanting to have to bother calling (because I know I did that a few years ago and at that time the insurance company confirmed that I could schedule more than one wellness visit in a year), I scheduled the appointments so that each child will have turned the next age just prior to each next appointment. I know for a fact that Many have it worse. There’s gotta be better processes for us all. SMH.
Sandwiched Support 