Sandwiched Support

Tag: mental-health

  • October 6, 2025

    Something’s Gotta Give

    When sandwiched Mom/Adult Daughter is not feeling well, work (as a contractor at one job and a part-time employee at the other there is NO paid sick time, NO paid vacation time, and there are NO benefits so if I don’t show up and work I don’t get paid AT ALL) doesn’t stop, the kids’ needs don’t stop, the parents’ needs don’t stop, and the mess waiting for me doesn’t stop a bit either. So we, the sandwiched primary parents who are also only children of the aging (or whatever the situation is for you) rarely find a break. And something has to give and it’s been this blog. Playing catch up right now, but it might turn into once weekly posting if I fall too far behind. There are “life hacks” that cost me money, but they’re worth it. I have someone cleaning a portion of my house each week for 4 hours a week, I pay for grocery delivery from a chain store and a big box retailer, and plenty of packages with everything from toiletries to household goods to pharmacy health-related items to the gift I need for the weekend land by my front door. Then I hit up consignment sales and stores for all things pre-owned in the toy, clothing, shoe, and home decor categories to save money while living as well as we can. We like the name brand things too, but we typically live with them used and then sell them to consignment when all kiddos have grown out of them or we donate at various places. I rarely get to schedule my own appointments with my “hairapist” and my own therapist and time to connect with friends is becoming more and more rare unless that friend happens to be at a community activity that involves one of my children or something with our church where we are participating or volunteering. If I will already be there showing up where we are already committed on the calendar, we might get to chat. My texting thumbs are incredibly speedy and I am blogging on my phone with them while at my son’s soccer practice after zipping over here from my daughter’s parent/teacher conference which I raced to after hurrying home from work and stopping quickly in my driveway to pick up two of my sons (one to go to soccer practice and the older one to be his chaperone while my husband and I were at our daughter’s conference). And I had to pick up my sons because I let something (heaven-forbid) drop from my mental load and forgot to ask my mom-in-law to cover soccer. So I had to cover it. I promise my husband wasn’t volunteering to ask his mom for help or to help get my son to soccer. He did however tell me I would be cutting it close, which I was, arrived 3 minutes before conference time and got upstairs in the school to the classroom just in time. Thankfully the teacher had stepped out for a bathroom break so us showing up in the nick of time was beautifully anticlimactic. I got it all done again, while recovering from what I still don’t know and finishing up my period and another day I will tell you about ALL the kin-keeping I was doing at the same time plus all of the regular Mom of 4 and busy Adult daughter of two live-in aging parent stuff. Is this really all meant to be one WOMAN’s job?

  • October 4, 2025

    Resting on the move

    On Saturday, the day the post is dated for, I kept plans with two close friends from practically forever who I don’t see often enough and live a couple of hours from. In some ways I didn’t feel well enough to go, but we each brought along our youngest (all daughters) to meet about halfway between us and spend the day at a place that is a well-oiled machine for kids to have a BLAST and parents to (mostly) relax and enjoy in an outdoor activity farm setting.

    I had had my symptoms for like 2 1/2 weeks by then and it didn’t appear that I had gotten anyone else sick and also I had been on antibiotics since that Wednesday morning and steroids for a lot longer and things seemed somewhat better.

    I decided to go while not super well because I was on the high dose steroid and getting into the thick of the antibiotics then and during the days I was on my feet or sitting in a chair or car doing everything I normally do (because no one is filling in for me as a woman in the thick of the sandwich generation season of life). I mean I was avoiding lifting bins or anything heavier housework- wise and then later in the evening I was getting to bed earlier.

    But having my two youngest kids home on a Saturday together without any help to entertain them is not at all restful so I think the best idea was to go to a super fun place with just my daughter to meet friends and play and to have chatting therapy with my friends.

    It turned out to be the best plan! One of my friends is battling an ongoing challenging health issue and we all enjoyed moseying, sitting, rocking, and finding shade while the kids enjoyed unlimited admission bracelet fun for 6 straight hours. They were happy and in sight and we got to just breathe and catch up.

    In this stage of life for all of us there are many (different but similar) very real reasons why we might not have been able to reschedule anytime soon. Talking with your people about similar life challenges is truly a light in what can feel like a very dark and heavy time.

    If you’re on your feet at home it can help to take at least one kiddo and go where there’s fun, where there’s amazing people you miss often, and where you can mostly sit where you are not feeling the piles of laundry staring at you.

  • April 28, 2025

    Glad You’re With Her

    She meant so very well. She has always been warm as can be to my family and I and she is a compassionate, caring, mom and retired nurse. But today, after I sent a text update on my mom that included a family member on my dad’s side, she concluded a text of encouraging responses with “glad you can be with her.”

    I hearted the whole text because I appreciate her love and encouragement, but here’s the thing, I’m not with Mom. And this brought up a little guilt I had to briefly work through today because, as planned ahead of time, my husband and I are away on a long weekend trip. We got the trip insurance in case something did not go smoothly with the surgery or the weather or a number of other factors. But we made arrangements for another family member to visit Mom today and to take care for our dog while Dad is also out of town for one night. And we hit the road knowing Mom is recovering and well cared for.

    I was there for 9 plus hours the day of the surgery and the big hospital is almost an hour away. And I am not writing this because I think my family member would judge if she knew I wasn’t with Mom today, but instead because of the feelings it brought up in me. I have spent an unbelievable number of hours at appointments and in the ED and visiting at the hospital and with in-home care team members and ordering and picking up supplies and helping to provide care.

    If you are an advocate or a caregiver, take note. Sometimes when our loved one is stable, recovering, and under the care of others (with or without loved ones visiting) it is helpful for us to focus on our kids and ourselves and to seize the opportunity to be away from where ongoing support may be needed in the future.

  • April 28, 2025

    Glad You’re With Her

    She meant so very well. She has always been warm as can be to my family and I and she is a compassionate, caring, mom and retired nurse. But today, after I sent a text update on my mom that included a family member on my dad’s side, she concluded a text of encouraging responses with “glad you can be with her.”

    I hearted the whole text because I appreciate her love and encouragement, but here’s the thing, I’m not with Mom. And this brought up a little guilt I had to briefly work through today because, as planned ahead of time, my husband and I are away on a long weekend trip. We got the trip insurance in case something did not go smoothly with the surgery or the weather or a number of other factors. But we made arrangements for another family member to visit Mom today and to take care for our dog while Dad is also out of town for one night. And we hit the road knowing Mom is recovering and well cared for.

    I was there for 9 plus hours the day of the surgery and the big hospital is almost an hour away. And I am not writing this because I think my family member would judge if she knew I wasn’t with Mom today, but instead because of the feelings it brought up in me. I have spent an unbelievable number of hours at appointments and in the ED and visiting at the hospital and with in-home care team members and ordering and picking up supplies and helping to provide care.

    If you are an advocate or a caregiver, take note. Sometimes when our loved one is stable, recovering, and under the care of others (with or without loved ones visiting) it is helpful for us to focus on our kids and ourselves and to seize the opportunity to be away from where ongoing support may be needed in the future.

  • August 21, 2025

    Caregiver Syndrome

    Saw a very brief video online today where Mel Robbins is describing Caregiver Burnout and shares that she does not want to see her followers make themselves wrong over it, encouraging them not to blame themselves.

    This is exactly what I needed to hear tonight as I am sitting in my car waiting for my son at baseball practice and it’s running a half hour late and then I am off to pick up my oldest from work. I am proud of them and want them to have all they have both in terms of experiences/opportunities AND belongings, but there are 4 of them and they Just went back to school today and I spent ALL day working or organizing my moms entire closet and drawers with her and I just about Always feel spent.

    If you’re thinking that maybe cleaning out and organizing my mom’s entire wardrobe wasn’t the greatest choice for my first day without the kids and that I could have chosen not to do that so that I could rest between online clients or so I could have gotten some other things accomplished for me, technically you’re right, it was a choice.

    But it’s complicated, Mom has surgery on Monday and she has lost so much weight since October and all she has gone through and with the recent months of a liquid diet. So when I went to help her pack her bag for post-surgery PT/OT rehab she said she needed to go through her clothes to purge what is way too big now and to figure out which size of all of the clothing she has saved over the years fits her. I can’t say it was a bad time entirely. She and I had a nice time togethers but it’s a lot of work hauling everything around and sorting it all and putting it all back and hopping on calls and then returning.

    In this sandwiched season I have done some direct care, but I am not even someone who does that daily. I truly feel for those who do that work around the clock. I cannot wrap my head around what it must be like to do that work. I am struggling with never having more than an hour or two to myself in a week’s time during the summer and to get those two hours I am either losing sleep or just ignoring some things that quite urgently do need to be done but are not emergent.

    Now that the school year has started and my children have a structured place to go I will be able to set aside one day a week to have a little self-care. Tomorrow I will have the opportunity to go for coffee with one or two wonderful friends who get me at a great place and I have appreciated with both my “hairapist” and my therapist and both are greatly needed. But I won’t be able to do all of that every week. There will be errands and appointments for my parents and children and many many things to prep from meals to fun things like costumes for trick or treat (that will still stress me out because my attention will be divided due to 50 other things I don’t prefer to have on my plate).

    Maybe I will miss this, but honestly I highly doubt I will miss all of it. And at the very same time it is Also True that I love each one in my household so very much.

  • August 20, 2025

    No Calm Before the Storm

    Mom’s surgery is Monday and my kids go back to school tomorrow (one went back today for a half day intro to the high school- went well) and I am doing my best to celebrate 3 of my kids’ summer birthdays with all I’ve got and it’s not always landing the way I hoped as I am out of energy from doing all the sandwiched primary caregiver and advocate does while also working part-time and being the full-time summer camp counselor, tour guide, cruise director (if the cruise is my SUV or the minivan we rode in on our trip), mediator, wrangler, and personal chef of those I love the most and am also most frustrated with these days.

    Burnout is an understatement, but there are the most fulfilling glimpses of what I hear that I will one day miss the most. When my efforts land well and a plan comes together and, dare I say, when someone appreciates it, the heavens open and I find it all worthwhile.

    But there are many hours and even days when this is not even close to being the case and it’s challenging to say the least. Today was a day of higher than possible expectations on my part. What I imagined accomplishing was absolutely unrealistic and I ended up in tears apologizing to my kids that on their last day of summer I could not make all that we talked about happen.

    The lemonade was that we all agreed to keep enjoying in the days to come, but that turned sour again when I found yet another trip to two stores to go find school supplies that I forgot to grab totally overwhelming after my son’s soccer practice and a day full of not getting to what I wanted to get to. I cried it out repeatedly today and ended up in several rants, most of which I’m not proud of, but at the same time it is also true that I want to genuinely express that motherhood, with or without the sandwiched situation,

    Tomorrow the wheels on the bus will go round and round and I will have about 8 hours (with Dad helping with the buses) to get a whole lot done for work, to write clues for first day treasure hunts, and to prepare for two small family gatherings I’m fitting in before Monday’s surgery for Mom.

    There will be no calm before the storm of advocating for Mom medically returns.

  • August 11, 2025

    They Won’t Always Be There

    It might sound like it, but this is not a post about those who pass away or about the fact that we all will someday. Rather it is about those who are present for certain parts of our lives, sometimes in very significant ways, and then fade out of the picture.

    I often reminisce about my childhood, teen, and college years and a greater sense of closeness with cousins and with friends. Priceless memories.

    But quite possibly the strongest bonds have formed with fellow moms over the years. Many of them supported me through my most vulnerable experiences. Some truly understood each one. Most saw and heard me at a deeper level than I could imagine and some still do today.

    The part that is a gut punch though is that many of those who were my closest allies through c-sections, breastfeeding infections, sleep training, toddler tantrums, mommy and me play groups, postpartum anxiety and depression, potty-training and all that came with it all, are no longer closely doing this stage of life with me. And, though maybe it shouldn’t be, it’s unexpected and at times heartbreaking.

    There’s some grief and loneliness in finding yourself at sports practices and at classroom parties, at scout meetings, and at church activities without key members of your village. Don’t get me wrong, the mom tribe grows and expands and you have the privilege of casting a wide net to find more friends and more support and it’s an amazing thing. With an open heart your friendship energy can grow just like your love grows with each subsequent child’s entrance into the world. Your time and energy may be divided, but your love just multiplies as children arrive one after another. In this way you can make room in your life and your heart for new friends and supporters and you find them where your kids lead you, shepherding their own kids at the same place at the same time and you work on getting the kids together, or you run into them at mutual commitments, or you find yourself at many of the same birthday parties as you help your kids live their best lives and you end up celebrating life together.

    And some of it’s awkward at first. And some of it’s awkward all the time. And some of it’s just what you needed to get through that part of a season with that child or children who are growing up with their children.

    However, I miss the besties who were my go-to’s to swap babysitting or to let me vent through arguably the toughest years of my life thus far. Most haven’t intentionally pulled away that I know of, but any number of normal things have happened as part of the rhythm of life and they are at a distance now. Their kids attend a different school district or are home schooled and we are not on the same schedule. Their kids are in different activities from the ones we do or do them at different locations or on different teams. Their youngest children are older than mine so they are no longer in the stages I am in and have a different pace of life. Or their youngest children are younger than mine so their pace is very different also and it’s a whole different level of challenges that they are still facing that I am not and now I am facing challenges of having teenagers and they are not there yet and cannot relate. Four years ago we moved about 15 minutes away from where we lived before and to a different school district and because of what some of them have going on and the lifestyles they lead with their families, I might as well be much further away as they don’t really get to where I am and I often do not get back to where they are.

    One particularly painful goodbye was leaving the home we lived in for the early years of our children’s lives that was adjacent to a farm owned by extended family members of my husband and when we moved away from there we left second cousins behind. Our kids miss them very much and don’t see them as often as we all wish. Different schedules and responsibilities and choices for our families keep us busy and rarely together.

    I do get to see many of them sometimes. Usually every other week or monthly for most (some a little more often, some a lot less often), but this sandwiched stage gives us little flexibility. One dear friend pulled back to get her oldest daughter connected with more girls to play with even though she and my son were the best of friends. I doubt I tried hard enough to continue to get them together and their friendship seems to have downsized with indifference these days. The kids move on and make other connections. It’s normal.

    But it’s still sad and I still wish that I was swimming and hiking and heading to the play groups and jump gyms with those who did motherhood with me in the early years, at least sometimes. You can’t really go back, but I hope to meet the moms for more coffees.

  • July 29, 2025

    If I’m Not Right There

    I know many of you understand this with regard to your children. If you’re not right there, they don’t follow through with the chore. If you’re not right there they are on their screens instead of focusing on homework. If you’re not right there, they’re often fighting with one another and then blaming everyone else in the room when someone gets hurt.

    But I didn’t consider how, when sandwiched, this would work with my aging parents. I did what I thought was “it all” before leaving for a two week summer trip with my husband and four children and not only had I forgotten to reschedule one appointment I had scheduled for Mom (while also forgetting to return the library books on time), I managed to let something else slip through the cracks. I assumed Mom would handle logging onto a telehealth appointment with a GI provider (specially trained with nutritional expertise) on her own. She has logged in on her own before, but only with the small hospital system’s portal. This would be her first time with the larger hospital system’s online appointment log in.

    Somehow she never got the email with the link the first time. Of course the call to schedule the appointment came while I was driving my car and already feeling sick and having fled the pharmacy where I had just scooted out of line the other day because I spotted someone I wasn’t expecting to be there I was not in a place to make small talk with that person at that time. But that’s another story. Anyway, all of that had happened and I was driving my son to the library and got the call to set up this appointment. I explained that Mom is aging and she prefers that I schedule her appointment so the number they have on file is mine. I then explained that I would be traveling in a different time zone during the appointment and that they needed to send the link to the appointment to Mom’s email address, which I gave them.

    The Thursday appointment while I was traveling came and went and Mom says she never saw the link in her email. I called to reschedule and apparently they had already spoken to her and rescheduled for the following Thursday right around the same time. I acknowledged the scheduled appointment and again stated that at that time I would still be traveling in another time zone and they said that this time they were going to text her the link because when they email it it sometimes goes into people’s SPAM folders. Ok, so why didn’t you offer us the text option to begin with? I did not ask this aloud.

    So I was assured that all was well, that they had prepared Mom to log in on her phone when they texted her the link, and I reminded her myself. But guess what we received in the mail today? A letter stating that she now missed two appointments and if she misses a third she will be dismissed as a patient. Great. I should have wondered when I asked the woman I spoke to if there was going to be another phone call reminding us of the appointment and she said, no, that she was going to put the information in the system, and then I got a call from them a couple of days later asking for Mom and stating they were confirming the telehealth appointment. I responded that the appointment was confirmed and that she would log on if they text the link to her. I confirmed her number.

    If I’m not right there this is what happens. It just doesn’t get done. And now I have another appointment to call about to reschedule. Add it to the list.

  • July 28, 2025

    Enough

    I took my dad to a 6:30 am EKG this morning after getting home last evening from our two week trip with the kids. Did one load of laundry and spent my breakfast being the listening ear my dad needed. Called the pedi office to see if I can bring my daughter, who has been sick on and off with cold symptoms for a few weeks and now has quite a cough, to see if I can bring her along to be seen there while I brought my teen son for his wellness check up or before or after. My son’s appointment was at 9:40 AM, not one of the popular timeslots before or after parents’ work days. But they could not get her in.

    Thankfully both early morning appointments went well and brought helpful results. But then I had to head back out with my daughter to urgent care for a sick visit. They were helpful but it took me right up to zipping home to get there in the nick of time for my first client and the other three today

    My fifteen year old got everyone lunch while I worked, but by the time I was done it was time to pop dozen pizzas in the oven and open fruit and veggie trays and call it dinner as my husband made his way home.

    As I skipped preheating and hoped for the best as usual, I called my husband and vented about how I felt I got nothing done today because I didn’t unpack, I barely did laundry, and picking up around here escaped me as it often does. My husband was on point today and reminded me that I took loved ones to 3 doctors and saw 4 clients and that that’s a 7 hour day alone right there not to mention the drives, chores, and being there for all 4 of my children and both of my parents in different ways.

    It’s enough, but there’s not enough of me to go around. And I’m sandwiched and each day brings many challenges with opportunities right now.

  • July 25, 2025

    Fun Fact about the Founder and Family

    I know I am not the first to mention this issue, but I have sadly reached the age where I sleep with a certain arrangement of pillows because without them I frequently wake up feeling like I’m in traction. And these days calls are becoming more frequent from my parents when I have already headed to bed that lead to me getting up and going downstairs to deal with a need. It reminds me of when I had newborns and honestly, I know it can get much more frequent and a lot worse.

    It’s almost time to go home, but we are traveling on an adventure with our kids that is taking us many places back to back to back and has also led us to stay at a number of different places and to sleep in a series of different borrower beds.

    Flying does not easily allow for packing a pile of pillows so I have been trying to recreate my pillow pile to no avail. And every single morning on this trip without exception I wake up literally hours before I need to be awake finding that I need to get up right away because of new levels of the discomfort. Without the skillful arrangement of the aforementioned pillows and without a mattress similar to mine at home, I know I am planning to be up early and often throughout the night.

    Shout out to just the right pillows and, while we’re at it, to the best mattresses too! The primary caregivers and advocates need our rest and find it frequently disrupted or tough to come by due to other priorities and responsibilities (both expected and unexpected). When we lose we are very unlikely to get a chance to rest another time soon afterward.

    When you don’t get to sleep because of meeting another person’s needs it’s an amazing selfless act, but at the same time, it can take a significant toll. May the sandwiched and all caregivers and advocates find ways to get the very best sleep when we have time for it.