Sandwiched Support

Tag: mental-health

  • July 24, 2025

    The Keeper

    We checked into a hotel with an indoor water park in or at and our boys were already having the time of their lives with their dad on the big water slides while I, Mom, was holding everyone’s shoes and a big bag of things we thought we might need as there was no available table or chair in sight and we try to avoid at least some of the extra fees like the locker fee.

    Then this amazing fellow mom, a complete stranger, waived me over and said it was just her at her table and I was welcome to sit there. Perfect for keeping an eye on my daughter in the play areas for younger kiddos- front row seat.

    Then my husband (after going to the rental vehicle to locate our second son’s second croc) brought me more to hold and then asked “aren’t you going in?” He felt it was fine to just leave our stuff including cell phones and i wasn’t comfortable with that without a locker. Plus the other mom at the table had gotten up to get a double tube for our daughter and her daughter to ride around together and I didn’t want to leave her stuff unattended.

    Like a living coat rack my children have been hanging things on me or placing them in my hands since they could crawl and the load has only gotten heavier when there’s things to do. It seems to come with the territory that Mom is to hold this, watch this, do this and in many ways it’s a special honor, until the expectations overwhelm and the literal weight of things pile up. Sometimes it really is just a lot.

    Very thankful for other moms who jump in to ease my four ring circus sometimes in a pinch when it feels like even with my husband and I there’s not enough parenting, refereeing, and overseeing to go around.

    It felt nice to be able to just sit in this extra chair this evening as we’ll be doing plenty more over the weekend and because at home Mom has been handing me her things for years as well.

    If you’re a caregiver, I see you. If you feel like a human coat rack; I’m right there with you. And if you’re sandwiched and your parents or older loved ones are now placing their things in your hands in more ways than one; you’re not alone.

  • July 23, 2025

    Taken Care of in a Timely Manner

    Yesterday I found it concerning that when I finally called the right number for Medicare and asked about whether or not Mom’s new benefit period began now that she has been home (with no additional inpatient admissions) for over 60 days as required for her plan to reinstate a new series of available Medicare Part A days.

    The representative I spoke with yesterday seemed more knowledgeable and professional than some others I have spoken with in the past and she was able to tell me that her view of the system shows that Mom’s days should have come back now (other than those 60 lifetime days which never come back) given that I did understand correctly that she has been home for more than 60 days.

    However, this helpful representative admitted that though Mom should be in a new benefit period as of a few days back, the system does not show the availability of the new days on her end.

    Ok, so I am of course glad at this point that this representative is confirming for me what we suspected that Mom FINALLY was able to stay home for 60 plus days in a row without any inpatient admissions and her Part A benefits are returning in time for an upcoming surgery that is scheduled for Monday at the big hospital.

    So I explained to the helpful representative that the surgery is supposed to be first thing next week and I would like to confirm that her Part A benefits are reinstated now for a new benefits period as she has met the requirements. The helpful representative replied that she was escalating this to what I believe she called a “senior specialist”. She assured me that she was writing a thorough explanation of my question and the reasons for my question and I believe that she did. t

    Here’s what led me to feeling concerned yesterday. The helpful representative told me that the senior specialist had 7 business days to return my call. 7 business days?! It was Tuesday and the surgery was Monday!

    I expressed this concern to the helpful representative and she said that I could call Mom’s surgeon’s office and encourage them to call the provider line for confirmation.

    Seriously, how are patients, especially Seniors, doing all of this without someone advocating for them through plenty of inefficient steps?

    I thanked her and asked for her name. She gave it to me and I asked for her extension. She said she doesn’t have an extension or a call back number and I can just call the main number back and explain all of this again if the senior specialist does not return my call before the 7 business day window.

    Not an ideal option, but grateful to know that’s the way it is for future reference. So yesterday I called the big hospital’s outpatient surgery office and explained everything about the potential billing concerns if the new benefits period is not clearly started in the system. The woman who answered the phone listened to my whole explanation and then had to transfer me to a woman in the billing department whose voicemail answered my call. I explained everything yesterday on her voicemail and have not received a return call from her.

    It seems, this time, that all is working out for Mom. I was absolutely shocked and thrilled that the senior specialist returned my call today and I was available to answer right away! She couldn’t have been nicer and did confirm that Mom’s Part A is in a new benefit period as of a few days ago when Mom made it to 60 days at home without an inpatient admission during that time.

    Thankful to have that verbal confirmation and when we got disconnected because I am traveling and was on the road when she called, she called back and left a message trying to finish our call. Very kind of her to call back! Unfortunately I didn’t have reception and her message stated that I would just have to call the main number back again. No direct number or extension to call her back and finish our call.

    Grateful that I got what I needed at this time, but quite frankly I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

  • July 15, 2025

    Rain Storms

    There has been so much rain in our area back home lately that some of the local parks have had to close or make modifications to the hike program we love due to heavy mud or down trees. Our swimming instructor sent an email that their pool, basement, and street had taken on so much water and were such a mess that our being away on vacation isn’t the only reason our daughter didn’t have swimming lessons today. Challenging weather comes and goes and can certainly be unpredictable from surprise storms to states of emergency, the worst does happen sometimes and we do not know when.

    Today we had the privilege of being part of a river rafting experience, mild when it came to rapids, but packed with the beauty of nature and the friendly hospitality. The experience was rain or shine and after a pleasant initial half hour the downpour that both weather apps and clouds in the sky told us to expect began. Delightfully the kids laughed through almost the entire experience as I ended up hunched over, protecting the cell phones in a bag close to me. And then some hail pounded down as well and all the while we continued to float along. Time didn’t stop and we were in the thick of the experience without a pause or a stop. Ponchos were offered to us by our guide (who was fantastic!), but we chose to persevere without. As I waited for what ended up being two rounds of storms to pass, I watched the delicate raindrops dance on the water and remarked at how beautiful they looked hitting the river.

    Watching those raindrops was quite grounding for me in those moments, as was the laughter and relaxed chatter between my children. On a day when I had to make a call to a family member’s doctors, regarding some test results, while navigating spotty cell reception as we traveled, this was a valuable pause. As the weather intruded upon our tour, a glimpse of peaceful, mindful radical acceptance and refocus came into play and provided the pause I needed to keep going.

    May we the sandwiched find that pause as we navigate each additional challenge that arises and may we always be able to see beauty in small and big ways while we keep going.

  • June 27, 2025

    Fun Fact about the Founder and Family

    I double-majored in Psychology and English and have Bachelor’s Degrees in both. I enjoy writing, but these days I don’t make time to edit as it seems my sandwiched state is always calling. I have a Master’s Degree in Clinical Psychology and work as a licensed mental health professional with a contract at certain times of the year to see clients in person part-time and part-time employment providing online therapy. This blog is about my personal life and my personal experiences and it should not be considered professional counseling advice as reading this does not make the reader a client. However, like many other things about myself, my profession is a significant part of my life and my perspective. I do not seek full-time work, though I have worked full-time in the field in the past, as I haven’t found a way to successfully make it work while sandwiched in the way that I currently am. My husband’s degree is in mechanical engineering and he is in engineering management. His role is full-time and we chose together to have four children and we are fortunate at this time to be able to budget and to make sacrifices that allow part-time on my part to be enough. We are also blessed with a village who shares with us and we share with them. Some are both extended family members and also friends, some are friends, some are amazing community members.

    Mom worked as a teacher at a junior high school before she took very early retirement and was able to stay home from teaching after 10 years in to raise me full-time. She taught Home Economics and was incredible at cooking, baking, and especially sewing. She made most of her own clothes while in college, majoring in Home Economics Education, and had one professor who almost lowered her grade because she thought her hand-stitching was done by machine, until her friends and roommates vouched for her. It was all done by hand on that beautiful coat. When I was in elementary school she patented her own bedsheets and she sold many sets, even appearing on QVC and making many sales. I remember having many mixed feelings about Mom going back to work, but was So very proud of her. There is much more to that story for another day. Mom has a Master’s in Education from a prestigious university, as does my Dad.

    Dad worked as an English teacher, then an assistant principal, and then a high school principal for many years. He then trained student teachers as an Adjunct Faculty Member at a private university for years before he retired. Many students requested him at the university level and he successfully trained many future educators. He also taught a night class for those getting their degrees in education while working full-time jobs during the day. He has the most awards of all of us here at home.

    We are very proud of the privilege we have had to be educated at the collegiate level. Each one of us has had the privilege of making a difference in others’ lives and credit for that is certainly owed in large part to the education we received. However, we have learned that when vulnerabilities arise, our support comes from one another as a family and we see many ways that we are truly better together. And we have also learned that while education can scaffold advocacy, it cannot prevent human vulnerability in stress, aging, health concerns, and beyond. We may be educated, but we are still vulnerable. We may be educated, but we are still serving one another at times in menial ways. On some days, with the right perspective, that is a great honor. On other days it quite simply feels below the pay grade and can be unexpected and uncomfortable at best, demeaning and at times traumatic at worst.

    As educated individuals we urge you to have conversations and plan early and often for the more challenging years. Nothing can quite prepare you and you cannot plan for everything, but you can use these posts as a jumping off point for conversations about what if, what then, and how will you support one another while finding support for your sandwiched self. May every advocate, caregiver, sandwiched superstar find their way to their own therapist or support person of your choice who is helpful for you. I am a biased fan of the educated, experienced professional, but finding a good fit is important. I am proud to be a therapist who has a therapist and am a firm believer that every mental health provider should participate in therapy at least for a period of time in their own lives. Mental health is health.

  • June 26, 2025

    Drive This

    I drive a big SUV. It’s old, but it can haul all of my kids and more, lots of our stuff, and I am not worried about dragging it through all kinds of conditions or about all kinds of conditions inside.

    Dad and my husband have SUVs as well, just slightly smaller ones.

    Mom has a tiny car and it’s the one she can get into with her bone on bone knees. It’s very painful and almost impossible for her to get into our SUVs so I drive the tiny car to all of her appointments both locally and 45 minutes away at the big hospital. When my husband drove it a couple of weeks ago to pick her up from the hospital he said it drives better than expected. And out on the open highway it does get going.

    But it’s an interesting transition to hop in the tiny car that vibrates while I grip the steering wheel for dear life as it noisily struggles to get up and go. Another first world problem, but, while sandwiched, you may find yourself driving all manner of vehicles you did not choose or expect to be driving to make all the things happen for the ones you are responsible for.

    My husband has driven a moving truck in the past when we needed him to and even backed it into my parents’ mini van long ago. He promised he would never own a mini van (and hasn’t yet), but he will be driving a rented one on our upcoming vacation due to an availability issue with the SUV we wanted as we cannot pick an SUV up in one place and drop it off many miles away where we would like it to. But a mini van, yep, that’s available for that. I was terrified to drive the first big SUV that we bought because my husband was/is anti-minivan and came to love it.

    However, with Mom’s car I have a hate/hate relationship. I am thankful we have something she can get into (silver lining), but that thing locks automatically constantly, it is not a comfortable drive, and it feels like I am the most vulnerable of all while trying to merge (though I will admit it’s a little easier to zip into traffic and into tight parking spaces). There’s no back up sensors and the airbag light is constantly on. And every time I hand the keys to the valet at the big hospital I cringe and refuse to look as they try to adjust the seat to find their way in.

    One day I will only see it in the rearview mirror of my memory and hope I can laugh about it then. And an even greater hope is that the huge SUV keeps humming until we reach the stage of fewer crumbs on the seats and until we have graduated from car seats and sticky floors.

  • June 25, 2025

    “I’m not doing what you did for your parents”

    As my oldest, age 15, of course lives here full-time and has witnessed all manner of unpleasantness hitting the fan over the years with me (his mom) as an only child advocating for her parents’ medical needs, we have had a number of conversations about his plans for taking care of my husband and I as we age and become more vulnerable. Stay tuned for more on this as I interview my other 3 children.

    As of now, my in-laws have said they want to stay in their home for as long as humanly possible (and despite past health scares they are in their 60s and going strong in their new home on their farm) and then they say they want to be put in a nursing home and as far as I know that is what my husband and sister-in-law have planned. She lives in another state and won’t be able to provide much direct support unless they would move near her and my husband is not overflowing with extra empathy. We definitely will see what their needs are and how it all goes.

    But back to my 15 year old. In the past he has told me that he plans to get me a tiny house on his property where he pays a highly skilled caregiver to take care of me and visits often to check to make sure I am taken care of. I have expressed gratitude, but noted that this is likely an expensive choice and encouraged him to start with a schedule of rotating support from himself and his 3 siblings while his dad and I have more minimal needs and, simply, before more is needed. He admits he will likely have it easier than I do as an only child, but expressed that he plans to work hard for a strong salary and to provide that way. We will certainly be grateful if that happens, but it’s, at minimum, interesting to see him already verbalizing some boundaries around what he does and does not want to be part of. Hopeful that he practices some flexible thinking when it comes to this topic if we have more needs than expected and if, heaven forbid, the money to pay for our care ends up just not being there. Staying hopeful that between the 4 of them we will have a better experience than many? Still getting a sense of nausea when I think about the people who go through ongoing medical issues without a solid support system. What must that be like? May we find a way to advocate for them that truly works!

    So this morning Mr. 15 said “Yeah I’m not gonna be doing all that that you do for your parents” as I took the time to give him some tips for how to talk to adults at businesses that may hire him to work for them. I also encouraged him to write down the name and job title of the person he spoke to on the phone who said they would have the hiring manager call him because they often do not follow through. I also encouraged him to write down (or put in his phone) the date and time of his calls to each business and what they said so he knows how many times he has followed up and can communicate that to them as needed or can just know for himself when to move on from devoting his time, effort, and energy to communicating with a given business. I also said to him that when he is acting as one of my super medical advocates one day he should write down who he talked to, when, what time, and for whom they work and in what role. And his reply is, “I’m not doin’ all that.”

    I always hope I am planting seeds and that his 25 year old self is more open to considering these tips, that his 35 year old self puts some of them into practice, and that his 45 year old self is ready to be in my corner, along with his siblings (who I am trying to raise in this way as well) of course.

    Sometimes I wonder how concerned I should be. But thankfully my sandwiched state is currently serving up plenty more to think about instead.

  • June 19, 2025

    Compassion Fatigue

    This reality will certainly warrant a number of posts to do it justice, but I wanted to acknowledge hearing some compassion fatigue from some of the medical professionals we have interacted with lately. I know it’s epidemic at this point due to so very many relevant factors and that everyone must have heard of it by now. However, I am wondering if we are seeking to find adequate solutions.

    So I have experienced Compassion Fatigue at times in my work as well as in my personal life as a sandwiched adult with both the top and bottom bread in the same household with me. And I heard it last week in the voice of the case worker in charge of the ED at the big hospital when I called upon her to assist me with getting Mom discharged from the ED before we reached the second midnight.

    For me personally as the daughter of a patient who has been in and out of the hospital every few weeks or less starting exactly 8 months ago today, it’s been, and continues to be quite the journey. Last week when I realized we could pick Mom up while she was still under the care of the ED in time for her not to lose the 3 weeks she put together at home (now she has 4!) I was making some pretty passionate phone calls advocating for this to happen. I was calling from a noisy place and ended up in tears while explaining everything to the ED’s case worker after already explaining it all to the Utilization Review Specialist and the bedside nurse. I just began to cry from a place of overwhelm and from that place of daring to hope while also managing those expectations. The case worker sounded cold and matter-of-fact. She helped, but it felt very clear to me that she had heard too many crocodile tears in her time and did not hear mine as any different.

    Today I was chatting with someone who is a close friend of mine who is a provider who worked many years ago in an ED far away from here. This person still works in the medical field, but the day to day is very different these days. And this friend shared that there probably are more genuine individuals such as myself who really have been through a lot with their loved ones and truly do need more empathy than we are getting. However, this individual shared something said frequently in the past during a time when there was quite a bit of med-seeking, exaggerated symptoms, and other manipulation on the part of patients in this person’s work life, coming into that ED back then. “I must have left my compassion at home on the kitchen table.” And before anyone judges this individual who is an excellent provider and has a lot of compassion for true needs, I put this here as something for us to think about. I have challenged providers who have not taken care to do their jobs well. I have elevated some concerns to supervisors during these last 8 months and I continue to do so because all of the patients, especially those who have no one to advocate for them deserve ongoing improvements to their care. But I want us all to take some time to think about what medical staff deal with each day and how those experiences accumulate and pile on and can lead to Burnout and to Compassion Fatigue.

    May it become easier and easier and more and more affordable for those caring for others to get the support they need from mental healthcare to respite care to case workers who explain important concepts to patients and families effectively. When life gives them lemons, may they be able to cry into something other than the hospital tissues and find a way to recharge so that they may continue to provide the level of care and compassion that their jobs require. And may we as the caregivers and advocates recharge effectively as well.

  • June 17, 2025

    What I Didn’t Think to Ask

    What you don’t think to ask while living the sandwiched life can lead to plenty of extra time calling in to clarify. Plan to budget extra time into your day, although there’s no way to predict how much time or when you’ll need it.

    So I did receive a call back later yesterday afternoon in response to my call asking about whether Mom needs bloodwork this week so I could respond to the mobile lab and make their schedule. I explained the whole situation again and asked my questions again because it was clear that the person who works with the surgical team who called me (I believe she is a PA who has answered my questions in the past). So I explained again that when Mom was discharged 4 weeks ago from the big hospital, the discharge instructions asked us to take her for bloodwork every 2 weeks to help determine when she is nutritionally sound for surgery. I shared that I took her to the lab two weeks later for bloodwork and the same week home health from the small hospital said they could set us up with the mobile lab to come take care of these blood draws at home every 2 weeks. I then explained that Mom spent one midnight in the ED at the big hospital 3 weeks after her previous discharge and during that setback her blood was drawn before 2 weeks could pass again. I then shared that in our efforts to bring her home before two midnights had passed I never asked if she should have the next bloodwork done two weeks after the last outpatient bloodwork because maybe the orders in the ED were not the same and did not cover everything. I never asked if the next bloodwork should be one or two weeks after she entered the ED or one or two weeks after she was discharged from the ED or at another or with a different frequency. I pointed out that Mom’s first appointment with the big hospital’s outpatient surgery office is coming up next week, giving the date, and asked how many times they want us to get the assigned bloodwork prior to that appointment.

    I asked all of that probably because I am Both overthinking the situation AND Also because it’s been a long journey and clarifying communication can truly be the key to smoothing over the next steps in the process. The reason I am telling you all about this is because you cannot make this stuff up; when advocating for your loved one at home after hospital discharge and while awaiting the next appointment, legitimate questions do arise and unfortunately there is rarely a simple process for getting a clear answer.

    So she did not have an answer. She did encourage me a little by stating that the surgeon on duty in the outpatient office next week when Mom has her appointment is the same surgeon who admitted her to the big hospital and who initially diagnosed her there and began discussing future surgery this summer. However, she had no answer about the bloodwork and though she offered to check with the surgeon and let us know, she stated that she did not think it needs to be done now. Well, that’s a partial answer, but not clear direction 3 phone calls later.

    I managed to forget to call the mobile lab back and they called again this morning while I was meeting with an online client. When I called back they agreed to put Mom on their schedule for next week and we are going to touch base if I hear more of an answer.

    Trust me, there’s more to it than accompanying your loved one to all of the appointments that you schedule, reading all of the discharge and care instructions, and making/taking all kinds of phone calls, there are also all of the questions you did not get an answer to, mostly because you didn’t think to ask at the time.

    Clear your schedule (yeah, LOL). There’s plenty to do to clarify what the plan is between appointments and to prepare for the next appointment. And now the kids are home from school or you’re driving them to camps. Controlled (or not) chaos and here’s yet another call to make and another one’s coming through. And those who have time to talk with you don’t know the answers, but maybe they will get them. Hopefully not having the answer doesn’t matter when it comes to making progress toward further treatment goals.

  • June 12, 2025

    Delegate?

    While sandwiched it’s wise to ask for help if you can. Or to hire help if you can. Or to sometimes squeeze a little support out of those you are supporting. I haven’t had a lot of choices in this department for the big things. As an only child, unless my husband feels like stepping in (especially when it comes to medical advocacy for my parents) it’s me. No one to volley to. I am, however, blessed with medical professionals on both sides of my extended family and among friends who are only a text or call away and have been absolutely invaluable primarily from a distance. But basically when it comes to certain things, it absolutely is me and only me.

    With the kids there are more takers. My in-laws have had them often and even my parents can and will still do what they can. Dad helps with some of the morning and afternoon routines and one incredibly significant help my Mom provides, even when she is not feeling great, is securing my daughter’s hair in whatever style has been assigned for her dance performance. Securing bobby pins in a style just right is not in my wheelhouse. Never before have I heard more about how I should hire people to do more for us. Um, that’s quite complicated when it’s just not affordable or when tough choices would have to be made in order to sub something out. There are some things that are tough to sacrifice, especially when we work as hard as we do, volunteer, care give. advocate, and taxi everyone around while bringing the fan club energy.

    At the times when I cannot get help I keep going because it has to get done. I try to hydrate, caffeinate, increase protein, and give myself little breaks when it works. But it is honestly the case that sometimes So much is back to back and nothing is as expected and it’s just one thing after another without the opportunity for a break. In these trying times I am asking myself, “Does it have to be me?”

    Sometimes it’s simply an annoying choice of whether or not we are going to miss out because I cannot be in multiple places at once and my husband is working or he is declining to help because it is not something he values (usually something fun with the kids that costs money). Other times we are all driving kids around at once, including my in-laws. And yet other times, I am driving 5 minutes home to catch up on work notes because three of my family members are already volunteering at the event we ran this week for kiddos and I have already done my part. The guilt sets in, questioning whether I should stay until the end, but it is all running like a well-oiled machine and I am able to step back and get something accomplished in a quiet house for a short time.

    There are volunteer commitments I am seriously thinking of bowing out of because others can and they may not if I don’t step aside and leave it to them. There is so much I want to do but the sleep deprivation is catching up and I am not close to bringing my best to my family and loved ones when I am hanging by a thread. So often there is no rest for the weary, especially caregivers, but other times there are possible escapes, possibly ways to pass on something or pass something on.

    If you can, hand it over to another willing supporter. If not, consider if it’s something that, if dropped, will not necessarily lead to significant long-term issues. Sometimes when you stop filling a need, someone else steps in that would not have.

    And sometimes you just have to step away while everything’s ok. Close the laptop and go get some sleep. Turn around and exit in order to wrap up some work tasks. Take a couple of hours to go do anything you feel like doing while all is stable and everyone is occupied.

    It’s fine until it’s not and when there is some flexibility in terms of who can take care of it, try not to have it be you again. Aiming for self-care is a whole other level of complicated, here we are aiming for some self-preservation by doing what is needed and ducking out when you were expected, but someone else can and will pick up the slack if you don’t.

  • June 6, 2025

    Friday Refresh

    As the blog evolves I’m going to try skipping the weekly summary and just pose a question I have that I feel is relevant to the week’s content. What can we ALL do as a society to reduce the actual and perceived burdens assigned to primary caregivers of the family? I encourage you to think about what you can do to share the mental load or lighten the actual load of to-do’s for someone who fits this description either in your own family or who fills this role in a family you know. Examples I know of that have blessed real families can include, but are not limited to: Bringing a meal, giving gift cards for meals or to cover the cost of a need or want, providing babysitting, giving a few rides to the ones they care for, showing up at the emergency room to help advocate or for support, taking someone’s laundry home with you and bringing it back freshly laundered and folded, answering their texts asking what you would do or providing knowledge you have due to your expertise or experience in an area, providing encouragement or reassurance, bringing a self-care package, dropping off a bag of fun items to keep kids or pets happily and safely busy, cleaning or organizing a space in their home, dropping off special coffee or other beverages or treats, sharing a song or prayer or relaxation exercise with them, inviting them to join you for a break or shared self-care. There are SO Many possibilities and I urge you to think about what the individual person most needs or wants and if you do not know them super well, ask them what would be most helpful. If you are concerned that they will ask for something you cannot offer, give a few choices of things you are willing to offer and have the capacity to do.

    Fun Fact about the Founder and Family: My husband and I have 4 children and we have them together. We are not a blended family, but we know some amazing blended families with many different situations. We have been married for almost 20 years, together for 26, and have been through most of the stages of parenting with at least one of our children so far. We started feeling sandwiched approximately within the last 5 years and our awareness of our status in this generation is growing.