Writing my first (and possibly only blog post on a Saturday because I truly completely forgot to post last evening as I was totally consumed by planning an epic tea party for my child’s birthday with friends. I had help from some of the very best people for the job and who step up and show up for me more often than I can count.
Together we made it Amazing! It was a Wonderland tea party and was indeed a wonder. Making beautiful core memories through celebrating life is my favorite. Thankful for all of the people who partied with us. It was the most beautiful day for us all!
As I eased myself out of bed this morning I pleasantly found that my aches and pains from hotel mattresses and alternating between hiking and riding in a mini van had mostly subsided. But my smiles about that were short-lived as I realized I needed to hurry through my coffee and breakfast (even though almost nobody else in the house was up yet and the near silence sounded wonderful) to log on for my 7 AM client. I see a small limit of clients per week, especially in the summer, as I am primary caregiver, camp counselor, and beyond for my four children all summer (both a tremendous privilege and quite a challenge) and advocate for both parents as they navigate their medical needs. My husband gets up, showers, shaves, and leaves for the office without interruptions or much to consider outside of his personal care and upcoming professional responsbilities.
If I want to work beyond my roles as wife, mother, daughter and co-house manager, I have to make it work because I have loved ones relying on me. So this morning it was just the one terrific client (I have the best clients almost all of the time and when there are challenges it is rare that I cannot understand why) and then I grabbed an active shirt and threw my hair up in a ponytail and we were off on an adventure to meet another mom with active kids for two of the hardest library hikes. We hiked about 4 1/2 miles between the two hikes (which is a lot for me and my lifestyle) and enjoyed many beautiful sights and a whole lot of complaining from the kids. But I got to catch up with my friend about all things work, kids, kids’ schools, experiences with our family members’ medical issues, travel and trips, and all manner of the sweetest conversation while hiking and swimming afterward. I rarely see her between our yearly hike day with the kids as our kids are in different local school districts and understandably haven’t remained friends beyond their younger years in the local play group where we met, but we made this pleasant catch up work while simultaneously getting our kids fresh air, exercise, and space for creative activities without screens for a good 6 hours plus. She understands that part of making it work is that she packs her own lunch for herself and her own kids while I just have to bring ours (subbed the lunch packing out to my 15 year old son to make that work) so that we can all enjoy my amazing neighbor’s pool together and I am hosting but not going to the extra effort of providing a lunch which may not be a favorite for her and her kids.
My thoughtful in-laws offered again to take one kiddo at a time for a couple of nights each to give them special attention and activities away from what is often a chaotic rhythm of collective living at our house. Each child gets to pick the meals my mom-in-law cooks and the fast food and treats they go out and enjoy and they get to do all kinds of fun things with both of my husband’s active parents. So a bonus after a long day keeping up with the kids and their needs was the fact that my middle son heading off with my mom-in-law, I whipped up some eggs for the other kids, and we got some toast and freezer waffles out and everyone basically could fend for themselves with some minor support. Sometimes to make it work we keep it super simple. I’ve also had an awesome cleaning person do wonders here this week. I can only afford one half day per week, but it’s worth it. And we’ve had groceries delivered to restock. Sometimes I go, but often I make use of the awesome memberships available to me.
I’m not a magician or an octopus. Mom always used to say that about herself as she juggled all of the things back when she was in a similar sandwiched stage of life. She made it work and each day, somehow, I make it work too.
I took my dad to a 6:30 am EKG this morning after getting home last evening from our two week trip with the kids. Did one load of laundry and spent my breakfast being the listening ear my dad needed. Called the pedi office to see if I can bring my daughter, who has been sick on and off with cold symptoms for a few weeks and now has quite a cough, to see if I can bring her along to be seen there while I brought my teen son for his wellness check up or before or after. My son’s appointment was at 9:40 AM, not one of the popular timeslots before or after parents’ work days. But they could not get her in.
Thankfully both early morning appointments went well and brought helpful results. But then I had to head back out with my daughter to urgent care for a sick visit. They were helpful but it took me right up to zipping home to get there in the nick of time for my first client and the other three today
My fifteen year old got everyone lunch while I worked, but by the time I was done it was time to pop dozen pizzas in the oven and open fruit and veggie trays and call it dinner as my husband made his way home.
As I skipped preheating and hoped for the best as usual, I called my husband and vented about how I felt I got nothing done today because I didn’t unpack, I barely did laundry, and picking up around here escaped me as it often does. My husband was on point today and reminded me that I took loved ones to 3 doctors and saw 4 clients and that that’s a 7 hour day alone right there not to mention the drives, chores, and being there for all 4 of my children and both of my parents in different ways.
It’s enough, but there’s not enough of me to go around. And I’m sandwiched and each day brings many challenges with opportunities right now.
I know I am not the first to mention this issue, but I have sadly reached the age where I sleep with a certain arrangement of pillows because without them I frequently wake up feeling like I’m in traction. And these days calls are becoming more frequent from my parents when I have already headed to bed that lead to me getting up and going downstairs to deal with a need. It reminds me of when I had newborns and honestly, I know it can get much more frequent and a lot worse.
It’s almost time to go home, but we are traveling on an adventure with our kids that is taking us many places back to back to back and has also led us to stay at a number of different places and to sleep in a series of different borrower beds.
Flying does not easily allow for packing a pile of pillows so I have been trying to recreate my pillow pile to no avail. And every single morning on this trip without exception I wake up literally hours before I need to be awake finding that I need to get up right away because of new levels of the discomfort. Without the skillful arrangement of the aforementioned pillows and without a mattress similar to mine at home, I know I am planning to be up early and often throughout the night.
Shout out to just the right pillows and, while we’re at it, to the best mattresses too! The primary caregivers and advocates need our rest and find it frequently disrupted or tough to come by due to other priorities and responsibilities (both expected and unexpected). When we lose we are very unlikely to get a chance to rest another time soon afterward.
When you don’t get to sleep because of meeting another person’s needs it’s an amazing selfless act, but at the same time, it can take a significant toll. May the sandwiched and all caregivers and advocates find ways to get the very best sleep when we have time for it.
We checked into a hotel with an indoor water park in or at and our boys were already having the time of their lives with their dad on the big water slides while I, Mom, was holding everyone’s shoes and a big bag of things we thought we might need as there was no available table or chair in sight and we try to avoid at least some of the extra fees like the locker fee.
Then this amazing fellow mom, a complete stranger, waived me over and said it was just her at her table and I was welcome to sit there. Perfect for keeping an eye on my daughter in the play areas for younger kiddos- front row seat.
Then my husband (after going to the rental vehicle to locate our second son’s second croc) brought me more to hold and then asked “aren’t you going in?” He felt it was fine to just leave our stuff including cell phones and i wasn’t comfortable with that without a locker. Plus the other mom at the table had gotten up to get a double tube for our daughter and her daughter to ride around together and I didn’t want to leave her stuff unattended.
Like a living coat rack my children have been hanging things on me or placing them in my hands since they could crawl and the load has only gotten heavier when there’s things to do. It seems to come with the territory that Mom is to hold this, watch this, do this and in many ways it’s a special honor, until the expectations overwhelm and the literal weight of things pile up. Sometimes it really is just a lot.
Very thankful for other moms who jump in to ease my four ring circus sometimes in a pinch when it feels like even with my husband and I there’s not enough parenting, refereeing, and overseeing to go around.
It felt nice to be able to just sit in this extra chair this evening as we’ll be doing plenty more over the weekend and because at home Mom has been handing me her things for years as well.
If you’re a caregiver, I see you. If you feel like a human coat rack; I’m right there with you. And if you’re sandwiched and your parents or older loved ones are now placing their things in your hands in more ways than one; you’re not alone.
There has been so much rain in our area back home lately that some of the local parks have had to close or make modifications to the hike program we love due to heavy mud or down trees. Our swimming instructor sent an email that their pool, basement, and street had taken on so much water and were such a mess that our being away on vacation isn’t the only reason our daughter didn’t have swimming lessons today. Challenging weather comes and goes and can certainly be unpredictable from surprise storms to states of emergency, the worst does happen sometimes and we do not know when.
Today we had the privilege of being part of a river rafting experience, mild when it came to rapids, but packed with the beauty of nature and the friendly hospitality. The experience was rain or shine and after a pleasant initial half hour the downpour that both weather apps and clouds in the sky told us to expect began. Delightfully the kids laughed through almost the entire experience as I ended up hunched over, protecting the cell phones in a bag close to me. And then some hail pounded down as well and all the while we continued to float along. Time didn’t stop and we were in the thick of the experience without a pause or a stop. Ponchos were offered to us by our guide (who was fantastic!), but we chose to persevere without. As I waited for what ended up being two rounds of storms to pass, I watched the delicate raindrops dance on the water and remarked at how beautiful they looked hitting the river.
Watching those raindrops was quite grounding for me in those moments, as was the laughter and relaxed chatter between my children. On a day when I had to make a call to a family member’s doctors, regarding some test results, while navigating spotty cell reception as we traveled, this was a valuable pause. As the weather intruded upon our tour, a glimpse of peaceful, mindful radical acceptance and refocus came into play and provided the pause I needed to keep going.
May we the sandwiched find that pause as we navigate each additional challenge that arises and may we always be able to see beauty in small and big ways while we keep going.
Still in the thick of Packing Prison as we have airline tickets and that means that there’s no margin if we don’t leave on time and there’s also no margin for shoving in some extras around everything else in our large SUV. It has to fit in the bags for the plane. And for me, the maximalist, this is my Everest.
Super used to having plenty of room for way too many outfits, all of the bells, whistles, extras, and even the kitchen sink plus little gifts to keep the kiddos entertained in the vehicle. We will head to a local familiar chain store when we reach our destination and figure it out, but there’s just nothing like taking everything you wanted to take and then some. I will admit that I rarely if Ever have used everything I’ve packed in the past and this is a go, go, go adventure trip and all of the kids will have options for some screentime for long drives.
But as I type this and get ready to head to the laundry room to move a load over and put in yet another load after having the kids ALL day (ran to one child’s camp, saw online clients, completed documentation, made simple meals though my husband did warm up an easy dinner, took the kids on a short hike and to the pool with friends, answered a million questions and dried tears ALL before my husband got home from work) I noticed that it is this dark in our bedroom (I stopped in there to fill the toilet paper rack in our bathroom with new rolls after shushing the kids for the 100th time and mentioning consequences to get them back into their rooms) but my husband is lying in bed all tucked in where he has been since around 9:30 PM when he insisted he couldn’t do anything else but go right to bed because he isn’t feeling well, with his headphones in watching an action movie on his phone. I often watch something long after I should be asleep (more on that another time), but I can’t help but feel that I (and many other primary caregiver parents) am getting the short end of the stick while being expected to be the one to stay up late several nights this week to get everything packed and together.
He will pack the car and drive us to the airport and make sure we get everywhere on time. I have it better than many because he is in charge of the tickets and keeping all things related to the hotels, the excursions, the rental mini van, etc etc etc together. And he will drive us everywhere because he likes it and I hate it. But still, I’m packing for 5 and he will throw his own things in on top and will lose zero sleep in preparation for this trip.
He’s driving. I am thankful he’s driving. I guess I’ll be comatose during the travel because it’s unlikely that I’ll be functioning by then and this is nothing new. Someone’s gotta pack and it isn’t going to be him.
A friend of mine with 9 amazing children is also sandwiched as her mom-in-law’s needs ebb and flow, and she said the other day that at some point we need to shift focus to the kids. That is resonating with me quite a bit right now as I have my four kiddos home for the summer and Mom, taking it day by day on her liquid diet, is currently half way to the 60 days she needs for her Medicare benefits to re-up. She’s framing beautiful baby pics of her only grands and our house cleaner (who is also an organizational extraordinaire) is hanging them for her all over the suite she shares with my dad. There have been bright spots om the last couple of weeks and it almost seems like the calm before the storm, but I haven’t been focusing in on her as much as my dad is heating the incessant soups and popping straws into the protein drinks and carrying the trays to their room. Home health PT continues to come work with her to help her get stronger and mobile lab is coming by to draw the blood needed to monitor when Mom becomes nutritionally sound for surgery. Just chugging along at the moment.
The kids are home 24/7 for summer break other than the few partial day camps we can afford. We are deeply blessed by getting to use the pool of someone we know and we are doing hikes (walks with clues at area parks and trails) organized by our library system where we look for posts and do rubbings on a sheet that holds 30 of them. The kids whine a bit, but it’s an activity similar to geocaching that is very much for all ages. We adventure together and I am soaking up the sun with them even on the hottest days or refereeing indoors while I try to work. I am apologizing for the distant background noise on client calls and rushing the dog back in the house ASAP because she needs her summer cut and we are on the waiting list.
Sometimes you need to focus on the kids…sometimes you need to focus on the dog….sometimes you just hope to find a way to settle into a routine with the top bread remaining stable while you’re responsible for the bottom bread all day, every day. Sometimes you find a little bit of rhythm, a tiny bit of routine, and some sweet spontaneous summer adventures while you’re waiting for other needs and demands on your time to increase, to return.
Today I focused on the kids and a little work. Tomorrow I take both parents to the neurologist for that yearly check in. Sometimes the kids are safe, but they take a backseat. And all the time right now, we’re in the middle.
There’s a meme online that goes like this “1 kid is 1 kid. 2 kids are 5 kids. 3 kids are 9473837 kids, 8 hurricanes, & a donkey.”
We have 4 kids and many of our friends have 3 kids or more. The quote is truly relatable.
But on most days, give me someone else’s kids (who know me) to add to my crew, Please, especially during the summer or during any extended break from school. If the children are potty-trained and for the most part eat independently, I’m not doing you a favor, you are doing ME a favor by placing them with my kids and keeping them from fighting with each other. It doesn’t stop the fighting completely, and some of our friends’ kids are also second cousins and/or very familiar to us and so our kids will sometimes argue with them too. But for the most part, someone else’s 1 kid means 1 or more of my kids are happier. Someone else’s 2 kids make 5 kids feel like 2 kids. And someone else’s 3 or more kids bring the very Best kind of party, especially when everyone has a buddy close in age or with similar interests or both!!
I’ve spent lots of time and energy in the last couple of weeks trying to get friends over with my kids. It’s another job I take on. I also sign them up for the camps I can afford and we organize opportunities for them to connect with other kids, but during these long days with all 4 of them and trying to work part time while managing all things related to my parents’ medical care and most things in the home, I quickly realize that I need to just factor into my day time to drive around and pick up everyone’s kids (with their parents’ permission!). And we booked two weeks away for our family of 6 in July this year….wonder how many kids it will feel like we have then!
As we head into June, school comes to a close for the school year, and I begin week 3 of the blog, I am reminded of the bottom bread in my sandwiched life, our Amazing kids. This week I plan to put out there some of our hopefully relatable experiences as we navigate life with live-in aging parents and our children all under one roof.
There is some cautious optimism about the summer in terms of the kids having more free time due to public school being closed for the summer. I will spend more time with them during the summer months and this year we need that more than ever before after nearly a full school year with my Mom’s ongoing hospitalizations and their mom off advocating. Shifting into the new summer schedule and balancing life’s duties with more hours with the kids at home can be challenging to say the least. But Mom is stable right now on her ongoing liquid diet and I am finding a little margin here and there to dig myself out of some of all of the crisis time backlog.
My hair stylist has a little sign in her salon that says “Hairapist” and it’s perfect for her because not only is she skilled at making so many look their best, she also is a great listener and conversationalist. On Friday I spent hours there having the best morning (a little bit of occasional self-care that is important for us all, especially those advocating and caring for others) and bent her ear about the following interaction with my husband that led to quite the disagreement between us on Wednesday night. As a fellow primary parent she immediately understood my point of view and actually finished my sentence.
Another beautiful friend (also a primary parent of several kiddos) recently mentioned to me that she and her husband at the time weren’t “on the same page” and that is now my favorite way to share with others that my husband and I are in conflict at the moment. On Wednesday night we certainly were.
As the primary parent at home, only adult child of two live-in aging parents with various health concerns, and a golden doodle in a busy household, my chores are simply never ever ever close to being done. I choose to participate in part time work for multiple employers to retain some semblance of my career and to contribute financially to all we are keeping afloat. We volunteer our time in our neighborhood and within the community and are uber drivers for our kids’ activities constantly. My piles have piles and my to-do lists and notes litter the dining room table while my home office has quite a few tasks awaiting my divided attention as well.
The scariest pile is an area in my garage piled up with everything from the kids’ upcoming summer birthday parties to Christmas decorations (from our celebration in March this year when Mom was out of the hospital briefly) and Easter items that never made it back to the attic…. Yet is one of my favorite words to instill hope in my clients, but my husband is understandably quite fed up that that huge pile hasn’t received my attention…yet.
So we didn’t have any kids’ activities this past Wednesday evening and no plans so I shared with my husband (days in advance) my plan to spend a couple of hours making a significant dent in that pile by taking trips through the dining room and up two staircases to the attic storage area. I made an announcement to the kids at dinner sharing with them that there are some birthday surprises hidden in that area that I need to clean up and so they were to be in the basement, outside, or upstairs in their rooms, but not on the main floor while I was walking through with the items. I also reminded my husband how much he wants that area cleaned up and asked him to be the primary parent for 2 hours (which at our kids’ age involves being a bouncer in voice only- reminding them to stay out of temporarily “restricted” areas and breaking up battles between them). I sought personal space and uninterrupted focus and no one was more full of false hope that evening.
No sooner had a walked in the house with the first load but I found my youngest on her wobble board living her best life in the dining room while my husband clearly had no idea where she was and admitted such when I questioned him in irritation. I am the one who tends to be the most emotionally expressive and he tends to disengage, shut down, and retreat in the face of conflict. Later we used the tools that we know and have applied sometimes inconsistently during our 20 years of marriage and I shared how frustrated I felt when he chose to prioritize cleaning up unnecessary parts of the dinner mess in the kitchen (gotta put the food away because of the dog) that could have received attention later, over corralling the kids as I requested ahead of time.
He responded by letting me know that it is an unreasonable request for one parent to be expected to know where the children are while also cleaning up from supper. And my hair stylist chimed in right on cue that mothers everywhere are doing that every day. Nailed it.
If you have children or grandchildren, please do something special and encouraging for their primary parent and get to know more about the weight of the world on these individuals so often. And start ongoing conversations in your home about not only what your priorities are, but also how you’re going to attempt to handle everything when things that cannot be controlled (such as health issues of an aging parent or a challenging season in a child’s behavior) come up for you. Some have a partner or other support person to help share that primary load, others are running a one-person show whether they truly chose that or not.
My hair stylist’s understanding of my POV definitely made me smile and I may have laughed out loud a bit because I may have responded to my husband’s statement by saying that I could line up 20 mothers who would tell him that doing that very thing is a huge part of their day to day. What’s reasonable though does of course vary based on the individual, the situation, and the circumstances. While that may have been a bit of a cop-out on my husband’s part, which we have since chosen to put behind us, there are hundreds, maybe thousands of examples of responsibilities in life’s mental load and task load that are very real for the juggling in the sandwich generation.
How can we find better ways of sharing them I wonder?
Sandwiched Support 