Sandwiched Support

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  • April 28, 2025

    Glad You’re With Her

    She meant so very well. She has always been warm as can be to my family and I and she is a compassionate, caring, mom and retired nurse. But today, after I sent a text update on my mom that included a family member on my dad’s side, she concluded a text of encouraging responses with “glad you can be with her.”

    I hearted the whole text because I appreciate her love and encouragement, but here’s the thing, I’m not with Mom. And this brought up a little guilt I had to briefly work through today because, as planned ahead of time, my husband and I are away on a long weekend trip. We got the trip insurance in case something did not go smoothly with the surgery or the weather or a number of other factors. But we made arrangements for another family member to visit Mom today and to take care for our dog while Dad is also out of town for one night. And we hit the road knowing Mom is recovering and well cared for.

    I was there for 9 plus hours the day of the surgery and the big hospital is almost an hour away. And I am not writing this because I think my family member would judge if she knew I wasn’t with Mom today, but instead because of the feelings it brought up in me. I have spent an unbelievable number of hours at appointments and in the ED and visiting at the hospital and with in-home care team members and ordering and picking up supplies and helping to provide care.

    If you are an advocate or a caregiver, take note. Sometimes when our loved one is stable, recovering, and under the care of others (with or without loved ones visiting) it is helpful for us to focus on our kids and ourselves and to seize the opportunity to be away from where ongoing support may be needed in the future.

  • August 27, 2025

    The Thing About Gas After Surgery

    After certain surgeries you have to pass gas (among other goals) before you can move onto the next goal and ultimately before you’re considered far enough along in your recovery to go home.

    After all 4 c-sections this was part of my recovery process, celebrating my first post-surgery fart because it meant that things were working again post surgery. I (and I imagine most others) spent most of my life trying to avoid passing gas or at least trying to avoid doing so around others and then discovered a place in the hospital where passing gas is revered and a time in my life when I was hoping to have some to pass. Who would have thought?

    It’s Mom’s turn to have that goal on her list and we are all on the edge of our seats for a couple of days now (which apparently is normal) for this to happen because it’s nothing by mouth including water until then in the case of her surgery. A humbling time where we are realizing how we can truly be grateful for certain things we always imagined we’d be wishing away.

  • August 26, 2025

    Greet the Loved Ones

    I’m sure there are plenty of thoughts from the point of view of the medical professionals on this and most certainly I do realize that they are at work when this is all happening and have plenty to think about regarding the patient.

    However, following my family member’s surgery, I want to feel welcome for a brief visit in her hospital room. Mom’s most recent surgeon (phenomenal in so many ways: Knowledge, Skills, Ability to Communicate, and Bedside Manner toward both the patient and the family members) spoke to me around 6 PM last evening. After 7 PM I asked for her room number because I live just under an hour away from the big hospital and I was ready to go home after seeing her. I approached the front desk staff member in the surgical waiting room and she looked up the room number for me and called the unit ahead. They shared that it’s a shift change and encouraged me not to come until 7:30 PM which I did and I was still alone in a dark hospital room when I arrived because Mom wasn’t there yet.

    Two nurses in the hallway were busy and ifnired me until I approached them. There was no or ask the desk and I asked if I could go to Mon’s room and the one nurse kindly and easily waved me on.

    But when my mom arrived in her room, the gentleman transporting her by pushing her gurney did not make eye contact with me or speak to me. Worse yet the bedside nurse came in and began acting like I was not even there. The transfer to her hospital bed went smoothly but neither would look at me until I thanked them several times over and then politely explained that I would not be staying long. I also, in an easy-going way apologized when I got in her way and showed her the four items I was leaving behind for Mom. She was pleasant enough and answered me.

    But I wanted to be greeted. I wanted the staff to introduce themselves to me and to make me feel welcome. It wasn’t the ED at 4 AM or something like that, it was the start of a shift, and even if it was it would go a long way to greet and welcome the loved ones of people who had surgery.

  • August 25, 2025

    Lonely Waiting

    Mom’s surgery is today. It’s going on now. It’s been a long day as her arrival to the big hospital was scheduled for 11:15 AM and she was prepped and ready before 1:00 PM but another procedure with another surgeon ran overtime in the OR she was to be going into. She just went into the OR just before 3:15 PM. Her surgeon and anesthesiologist seem very competent and we are hopeful! But the procedure is extensive and risky and I have been texting, calling, and posting on social media because I am on my own here, waiting, and technology allows me to receive support from friends and family from a distance

    I am to receive updates approximately every 2 hours. The surgeon shared that he scheduled her this way as he is already here all night so there is no rush and the procedure could take 1 hour or 6 hours. We knew it was going to be complicated going into it.

    They called the surgical waiting room about an hour and a half into her entering the operating room so that the staff member at the desk could let me know that they had just then started surgery now, but that it took anesthesia a while to place her lines (IV and some other things they discussed with us ahead of time) so it will likely be quite a while yet.

    I have so much support from a distance yet I am sitting here alone just like I did right after COVID in the county where I grew up while my Dad had a quadruple bypass surgery. He is doing very well physically now about (I think) 5 years later or so. I’m an only child and most of my close friends have as many or more kids than I do and they have been working all day or caring for kids all day or both. They are running kids to activities because it’s a Monday night at the start is the school year and making dinner and some will soon start the bedtime routine for their young ones. Would be tough to ask one of them to accompany me even though I know they wish they could be here.

    We have been marathoning hosting celebrations for three of our kids’ summer birthdays and hosted a celebration for a faith-based milestone for our youngest just yesterday. We have very little margin in which to plan and we didn’t know how the day would go so we agreed that Dad would get the kids off the bus like he always does and save his energy for visiting Mom tomorrow and Wednesday while I am working. And my husband worked all day and is running the kids to activities so that didn’t plan for him to be here, but now I wish he was.

    Great news in the middle of writing this (an hour ago) Mom’s surgeon walked into the waiting room much sooner than I expected and shared how the procedure went better than expected and that many things we were concerned might happen did not occur and all of this is amazing news!! It took them longer to get the lines in her this time (a number of factors are making her a tough stick at the moment) than the surgery took.

    And my cousin who works here came and gave me a hug a half hour ago as she headed in for her night shift. So I have much to be thankful for as I wrap up this post!

    I will say though that the waiting was lonely and difficult and I will be asking and trying to arrange someone to wait with me whenever there is a next time. Once Mom is cleared by this surgeon she will pursue knee replacement surgery next. Hopefully that will not be as nerve wracking.

  • August 22, 2025

    Fun Fact about Founder and Family

    My aunt, Mom’s only sibling, started a fun tradition with my two older cousins of a first day of school treasure hunt where they followed clues around the house or yard after school on the first day to end up finding a prize or gift. When I headed to kindergarten and beyond, Mom set up those treasure hunts for me at the end of every first day of school with poetic clues.

    I carry the tradition on with my kids and though I am running behind this year with a lot going on, I’ve written the clues and we plan to do the hunts over the weekend. It’s something the kids love to do and I hope they will share it with their children one day.

  • August 21, 2025

    Caregiver Syndrome

    Saw a very brief video online today where Mel Robbins is describing Caregiver Burnout and shares that she does not want to see her followers make themselves wrong over it, encouraging them not to blame themselves.

    This is exactly what I needed to hear tonight as I am sitting in my car waiting for my son at baseball practice and it’s running a half hour late and then I am off to pick up my oldest from work. I am proud of them and want them to have all they have both in terms of experiences/opportunities AND belongings, but there are 4 of them and they Just went back to school today and I spent ALL day working or organizing my moms entire closet and drawers with her and I just about Always feel spent.

    If you’re thinking that maybe cleaning out and organizing my mom’s entire wardrobe wasn’t the greatest choice for my first day without the kids and that I could have chosen not to do that so that I could rest between online clients or so I could have gotten some other things accomplished for me, technically you’re right, it was a choice.

    But it’s complicated, Mom has surgery on Monday and she has lost so much weight since October and all she has gone through and with the recent months of a liquid diet. So when I went to help her pack her bag for post-surgery PT/OT rehab she said she needed to go through her clothes to purge what is way too big now and to figure out which size of all of the clothing she has saved over the years fits her. I can’t say it was a bad time entirely. She and I had a nice time togethers but it’s a lot of work hauling everything around and sorting it all and putting it all back and hopping on calls and then returning.

    In this sandwiched season I have done some direct care, but I am not even someone who does that daily. I truly feel for those who do that work around the clock. I cannot wrap my head around what it must be like to do that work. I am struggling with never having more than an hour or two to myself in a week’s time during the summer and to get those two hours I am either losing sleep or just ignoring some things that quite urgently do need to be done but are not emergent.

    Now that the school year has started and my children have a structured place to go I will be able to set aside one day a week to have a little self-care. Tomorrow I will have the opportunity to go for coffee with one or two wonderful friends who get me at a great place and I have appreciated with both my “hairapist” and my therapist and both are greatly needed. But I won’t be able to do all of that every week. There will be errands and appointments for my parents and children and many many things to prep from meals to fun things like costumes for trick or treat (that will still stress me out because my attention will be divided due to 50 other things I don’t prefer to have on my plate).

    Maybe I will miss this, but honestly I highly doubt I will miss all of it. And at the very same time it is Also True that I love each one in my household so very much.

  • August 20, 2025

    No Calm Before the Storm

    Mom’s surgery is Monday and my kids go back to school tomorrow (one went back today for a half day intro to the high school- went well) and I am doing my best to celebrate 3 of my kids’ summer birthdays with all I’ve got and it’s not always landing the way I hoped as I am out of energy from doing all the sandwiched primary caregiver and advocate does while also working part-time and being the full-time summer camp counselor, tour guide, cruise director (if the cruise is my SUV or the minivan we rode in on our trip), mediator, wrangler, and personal chef of those I love the most and am also most frustrated with these days.

    Burnout is an understatement, but there are the most fulfilling glimpses of what I hear that I will one day miss the most. When my efforts land well and a plan comes together and, dare I say, when someone appreciates it, the heavens open and I find it all worthwhile.

    But there are many hours and even days when this is not even close to being the case and it’s challenging to say the least. Today was a day of higher than possible expectations on my part. What I imagined accomplishing was absolutely unrealistic and I ended up in tears apologizing to my kids that on their last day of summer I could not make all that we talked about happen.

    The lemonade was that we all agreed to keep enjoying in the days to come, but that turned sour again when I found yet another trip to two stores to go find school supplies that I forgot to grab totally overwhelming after my son’s soccer practice and a day full of not getting to what I wanted to get to. I cried it out repeatedly today and ended up in several rants, most of which I’m not proud of, but at the same time it is also true that I want to genuinely express that motherhood, with or without the sandwiched situation,

    Tomorrow the wheels on the bus will go round and round and I will have about 8 hours (with Dad helping with the buses) to get a whole lot done for work, to write clues for first day treasure hunts, and to prepare for two small family gatherings I’m fitting in before Monday’s surgery for Mom.

    There will be no calm before the storm of advocating for Mom medically returns.

  • August 19, 2025

    Laundry Rules

    I make them give me 24 hours notice if there’s a certain shirt or other clothing item they need or want my a certain day. I have been screamed at by all 4 of my children because they didn’t have a clothing item they wanted when they wanted it and I keep telling them, especially the teenagers, that they need to give me plenty of notice or they won’t have it on time. I am a very busy sandwiched working mom, wife, and daughter of aging parents and there is no laundry fairy.

    Before you remind me of the value of training my children, the 15 year old has now been doing his own wash for over a year. We start laundry independence at 14 and putting away folded wash at age 6. But they are still working on thinking and planning ahead and it’s definitely a one step forward, two steps back process.

    I am too busy living, working, and adventuring with my kids and our family and friends to just be home keeping up with the laundry. I get just enough done in time and my husband wishes I would adopt a minimalist lifestyle where I have just a week’s worth of clothing for everyone and just wash it once a week, rinse, and repeat.

    I like variety and bargain shopping way too much and am much more of a maximalist. And I cannot imagine not picking up extras at thrift stores so we have plenty even though a bunch is piled up waiting for its turn for a wash, dry, fluff, fold and brief visit to the drawer or closet.

    Tomorrow my 13 year old wants a specific shirt and I caved and put it in the washer and then the dryer so he can grab it out of there in the morning, but there wasn’t any notice that he didn’t have a plan. It’s one load after another around here and that can be quite draining for the default sandwiched primary caregiver of the home and the things that no one else feels like helping with.

  • August 18, 2025

    No is a Complete Sentence

    I am the mom who often feels guilty about too much screen time, disappointing my children (or other people’s children and really many other people in general), working too much and not spending enough time with them, and not getting everything done to have a clean and orderly home.

    My rational brain knows that I cannot come close to pleasing everyone and neither can anyone else, but I still have to work at self-kindness and self-compassion when I have maladaptive thoughts about my parenting. It’s encouraging to read or to hear others say that the parents who truly care are the ones who overthink.

    I know how very much I care, but it’s quite difficult to know what to care the most about at a given time.

    A good friend of ours was talking with us during a a Meet the Teacher event this evening. He said that between their 3 children he and his wife added 172 activities or events to the calendar for the school year with sports and other practices and activities.

    I am in the midst of making summer birthday magic for three of our kids and it’s just a lot as we attend practices and Back to School events and await and prepare for Mom’s upcoming surgery in less than two weeks.

    The mental load is real and complicating it with self-doubt and self-criticism is all too common and can feel very heavy.

    If you’re there with Summer’s End and facing Back to School and all that comes with it, you’re not alone.

  • August 16, 2025

    Facts about Founder and Family

    Getting ready for another child’s birthday party bumped the blog post from Friday night to Saturday again. Last evening I decided I was too exhausted to blog after emptying out a carload of clearance party items and Walmart food. Decided that Walmart on a Friday night is not my favorite (but I spent all day finishing up the library hikes with my 4 kids and getting my most social teen son to a birthday hang out) and I needed to do my shopping before my prep. It was crowded and a little creepy at times (a story for another day), but I ran into a sweet friend who is also family on my husband’s side by marriage and we made plans to go second-hand shopping when the kids are back in school. And I am really looking forward to it!! Mom and I are very big into thrift stores, yard sales, and consignment shops and sales and I have found friends that share my passion for great deals also.

    As a sandwiched adult, however, it’s very difficult to decide how to spend one’s precious VERY LITTLE spare time. For me it doesn’t count if my kids are along or if Mom or Dad is with me. And with regard to my husband it absolutely depends on what kind of mood I’m in or he’s in and what we plan to do. Often it’s quality time when I am with my family, but it’s not that incredibly rare special free time that I almost never get.

    If it’s truly free time it’s quite fulfilling for me to head to a coffee shop, restaurant or spa especially with a friend or group of friends who truly get me. But I have to fight the urge to use the quiet to catch up on errands that need to be done (while looking for a few fun things that I’m shopping for at the same time and planning ahead to find things for the next child’s party) or to get work done for work while it’s quiet or to clean up the never-ending dumpster fire mess in my house.

    I know in my gut how badly I need space and time just to rest and recharge after having the kids all summer (that’s no joke trying to keep them from truly fighting and desperately trying to keep them from way too much screen time). But I also want to re-connect with my friends who understand me and to have a whole uninterrupted cup of coffee and conversation. This feels like a need also. And our family benefits from improved order around here and needs the errands to be done so if my husband had his way I would spend every spare moment making sure the errands are done and, especially, that the house is in fantastic order.

    The struggle is real to find balance in it all and to fill those open hours when there’s not an appointment or an occasion to prepare for and my parents don’t have an immediate need and I am not working and the kids are busy usually at school and the dog does not have an appointment or a need either. And I haven’t even started talking about how meals always need to be made usually by me.

    While sandwiched, what’s left after all of that is almost nothing. And I am very fortunate to work part-time or there really would be no spare time.