Sandwiched Support

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  • August 14, 2025

    What Kind of Visit Should we Have Today?

    Took Mom to her AMAZING primary care physician today to an appointment that we scheduled months and months ago. These days you cannot get in with her unless she happens to be on the office when you are super sick and you get one of her sick visits or unless you book way in advance. We typically see a PA these days and many of them are fantastic, but they are not her primary provider who she started with after moving to the area and has known her medical history for the last 3 plus years.

    So we are about to have one of our favorite docs enter the room after Mom stood on the scale (amazed by the amount she has lost due to multiple surgeries and being on a liquid diet for months) and got her height measured (confirming she is shrinking)… and the nurse says that this is scheduled as an annual Medicare Wellness visit and she has noticed that Mom has had a lot going on here and does she want to switch it to some other type of visit.

    Long pause as neither Mom nor I knew how to respond to this, wondering to ourselves what is the difference between an annual Medicare Wellness visit and whatever other option the visit would be coded as? Then I asked if she is required to have that Medicare Annual Wellness visit and the nurse said no and she also specified that if we chose the Medicare Annual Wellness visit that the doc can only talk about the topics on a list that Medicare says the doctor should discuss. So of course we chose the other option, though we don’t really know what that other option is in the world of billing and coding.

    But we ended up with a beautifully thorough, normal session with one of our favorite docs who knows Mom well and we hope the bill isn’t out of the ordinary.

    Never had that question before.

  • August 13, 2025

    If You Don’t

    My husband believes that you should have every bit of your work done before you rest. I am more of an alternate between work and breaks kind of person. This post is not about which is better, though my husband is hard-working, efficient and has always been successful and would argue all day that he knows the best way to complete many tasks.

    So from his perspective, if you don’t have your work done, if you don’t have your living space cleaned up and organized, if you don’t have your laundry done, etc, you should not make plans to go do something fun and you should not relax. He will allow himself exceptions and would agree with others doing so. One exception is that if you know you’ve truly worked hard for a full day and got most of what must be done accomplished, there can be a quitting time. Another exception when he is not super busy is to take a day off on the weekend, usually Sunday. All of this has a lot to do with the way he was raised, but there are specific personality traits involved as well.

    I am much more of a free spirit these days. I tended to keep up with household tasks to a T when we were first married because I was an adoring wife with stars in my eyes and I was in graduate school without working outside of the home and we did not yet have children so I invested a significant amount of time cleaning, organizing, and cooking in our little condo where there wasn’t much to clean or organize and usually only two to cook for.

    These days the house is turned upside down with 8 of us plus the dog and while the kids are messy, I am the one who has the most piles to be dealt with because I am assigned the most different categories to manage and I like to bring a lot of extra fun and celebrating to life even though it’s not a need. Sometimes, though, as I get older and busier and my parents” health and aging related needs grow, it feels and IS more difficult to move all of the mountains I used to move and there are just plain more of those mountains to move in many ways. Other mountains (diapers, feedings, keeping toddlers from the edge) have disappeared. But the point is that I just don’t and Won’t wait for my life to pass me by while cleaning and tidying up or doing laundry until I drop.

    Just doing what’s absolutely necessary to meet our needs plus our main goals takes most of the available time. And it’s not in my nature to simplify for the sake of simplification. It’s possible that there are ways to better compromise for some extra time to breathe and regroup, but I’ll admit I have some FOMO and I am going to throw the big birthday parties and deck the halls on many of the holidays and leave the big clutter mess and full laundry baskets and get some sleep before I leave for our big family trip.

    And now we have another big birthday party this weekend and the house is still a clutter mess and the laundry will always be there waiting for me and I want to plan a little Fall getaway for us and the kids and we are truly at a deadlocked impasse on this because my husband claims he has wanted a tidy organized house for the last decade and hasn’t gotten it and wants us (mostly me) to stay home and get it all done (there are a number of issues with this that could fill multiple posts) and I feel like it would be a whole lot more motivating and a whole lot less suffocating to put this little getaway on the calendar and book the place so that I have it to look forward to.

    We’ll see how it turns out. Hoping to convince him to seize the moment and take the little trip. Hoping the desire for order over any other doesn’t win.

  • August 12, 2025

    So How’s Your Mom?

    These days as a sandwiched individual who has been advocating for my parents for years now, with quite a bit of advocacy for Mom for almost a year now under the ongoing circumstances, people who haven’t seen me for a while say hello and tend to ask about Mom right away. It’s kind and considerate and I tell them that she’s uncomfortable on her ongoing liquid diet, but stable as she awaits surgery.

    What is the actual diagnosis? What kind of surgery is she to have? Who’s the surgeon? What is the recovery supposed to be like?

    I get it. I am someone who asks a lot of questions so that I can learn more about things and to demonstrate support for others when the questions do not seem too intrusive. And these questions are not intrusive. I have been very open, with Mom’s permission, about the whole journey so that others may learn from our experiences and be better able to advocate for their loved ones and themselves. And these caring people’s prayers and kind words and support are everything when walking through all that comes along with having medical needs or being there for someone who does.

    But it does feel strange to be here. To be of the generation who is asked these questions quickly after a greeting, almost in the same breath. And those who ask are quite often my age or older and/or are individuals who work in the medical field or who have been sandwiched themselves.

    It’s a relatable place to be. I am not alone, but there is a loneliness to knowing I am the one who will be responsible for every pre-op form, every post-op update, every aftercare instruction.

    And though I have experienced much thus far in this medical realm, advocating as the daughter, this does not mean I am prepared for what is next. I am not prepared, but I will go and do my best again while leaning on my village to seek information, guidance, and support.

  • August 11, 2025

    They Won’t Always Be There

    It might sound like it, but this is not a post about those who pass away or about the fact that we all will someday. Rather it is about those who are present for certain parts of our lives, sometimes in very significant ways, and then fade out of the picture.

    I often reminisce about my childhood, teen, and college years and a greater sense of closeness with cousins and with friends. Priceless memories.

    But quite possibly the strongest bonds have formed with fellow moms over the years. Many of them supported me through my most vulnerable experiences. Some truly understood each one. Most saw and heard me at a deeper level than I could imagine and some still do today.

    The part that is a gut punch though is that many of those who were my closest allies through c-sections, breastfeeding infections, sleep training, toddler tantrums, mommy and me play groups, postpartum anxiety and depression, potty-training and all that came with it all, are no longer closely doing this stage of life with me. And, though maybe it shouldn’t be, it’s unexpected and at times heartbreaking.

    There’s some grief and loneliness in finding yourself at sports practices and at classroom parties, at scout meetings, and at church activities without key members of your village. Don’t get me wrong, the mom tribe grows and expands and you have the privilege of casting a wide net to find more friends and more support and it’s an amazing thing. With an open heart your friendship energy can grow just like your love grows with each subsequent child’s entrance into the world. Your time and energy may be divided, but your love just multiplies as children arrive one after another. In this way you can make room in your life and your heart for new friends and supporters and you find them where your kids lead you, shepherding their own kids at the same place at the same time and you work on getting the kids together, or you run into them at mutual commitments, or you find yourself at many of the same birthday parties as you help your kids live their best lives and you end up celebrating life together.

    And some of it’s awkward at first. And some of it’s awkward all the time. And some of it’s just what you needed to get through that part of a season with that child or children who are growing up with their children.

    However, I miss the besties who were my go-to’s to swap babysitting or to let me vent through arguably the toughest years of my life thus far. Most haven’t intentionally pulled away that I know of, but any number of normal things have happened as part of the rhythm of life and they are at a distance now. Their kids attend a different school district or are home schooled and we are not on the same schedule. Their kids are in different activities from the ones we do or do them at different locations or on different teams. Their youngest children are older than mine so they are no longer in the stages I am in and have a different pace of life. Or their youngest children are younger than mine so their pace is very different also and it’s a whole different level of challenges that they are still facing that I am not and now I am facing challenges of having teenagers and they are not there yet and cannot relate. Four years ago we moved about 15 minutes away from where we lived before and to a different school district and because of what some of them have going on and the lifestyles they lead with their families, I might as well be much further away as they don’t really get to where I am and I often do not get back to where they are.

    One particularly painful goodbye was leaving the home we lived in for the early years of our children’s lives that was adjacent to a farm owned by extended family members of my husband and when we moved away from there we left second cousins behind. Our kids miss them very much and don’t see them as often as we all wish. Different schedules and responsibilities and choices for our families keep us busy and rarely together.

    I do get to see many of them sometimes. Usually every other week or monthly for most (some a little more often, some a lot less often), but this sandwiched stage gives us little flexibility. One dear friend pulled back to get her oldest daughter connected with more girls to play with even though she and my son were the best of friends. I doubt I tried hard enough to continue to get them together and their friendship seems to have downsized with indifference these days. The kids move on and make other connections. It’s normal.

    But it’s still sad and I still wish that I was swimming and hiking and heading to the play groups and jump gyms with those who did motherhood with me in the early years, at least sometimes. You can’t really go back, but I hope to meet the moms for more coffees.

  • August 9, 2025

    Fun Fact On a Saturday

    Writing my first (and possibly only blog post on a Saturday because I truly completely forgot to post last evening as I was totally consumed by planning an epic tea party for my child’s birthday with friends. I had help from some of the very best people for the job and who step up and show up for me more often than I can count.

    Together we made it Amazing! It was a Wonderland tea party and was indeed a wonder. Making beautiful core memories through celebrating life is my favorite. Thankful for all of the people who partied with us. It was the most beautiful day for us all!

  • August 7, 2025

    Different Standards

    It can be extremely difficult when people who live together, or who are in a serious relationship with one another, have different standards for how the house will be kept, how the shared schedule will look, what to spend money on, and what to make for dinner.

    My husband and I have had plenty of wars over all of these things. Sometimes we come to an agreement, sometimes one of us has to accept that we are not getting what we prefer, and sometimes we are just at odds like we are right now. We see so much so very differently. It didn’t seem to matter when we were much younger. And now it’s the same things on repeat.

    Being a licensed therapist does not make you immune from marital conflict. And though you may know, and try to communicate the solutions ad nauseam, if the other person does not choose to do to work individually and as a couple to engage in pursuing helpful solutions there are a number of very significant challenges.

    This post is not a post about divorce. This post is also not a post about conflict resolution, marital counseling, or reconciliation, growth, or improvement. It is about the dark valley that any of us can find ourselves in when we invest an unfathomable amount of everything that we have and everything that makes us who we are and we find ourselves without that expected return on our investment. We find ourselves wondering how we got to a place of questioning whether all we have given and continue to give has been worth it.

    This post is not about whether it has or it hasn’t been worth it. It’s about those moments when it’s almost impossible to remember that there’s absolutely so very much hope and so very much to hope in, despite the imperfections of both human beings in every relationship and despite the state of being on such very different pages and sometimes even different planets of thought and behavior.

    I’ve been here before and I am holding space for the weight of all this again today. May you know that I see you and I have been there if you are in, have been in, or will be in a similar position.

    When it all felt like more than I could handle today with unexpected words of condemnation coming at me almost simultaneously from three significant adults in my life, I texted a best friend. I set verbal boundaries firmly. And I used ACT principles to practice Mindful Radical Acceptance and to shift my focus back to meaningful work. There are many other worthy tools.

    Relational conflicts, even for seasons, can be a very heavy part of the sandwiched stage. Know that you are not the first or the only one to experience this and that you can trust yourself to know what is and is not best.

  • August 6, 2025

    Sharing the Laundry Room

    Sometimes I have so much to do that I struggle to decide what to do first. Everything is or seems to be a priority of significance and often I am frozen in place trying to decide.

    One thing that helps is when I know I have a decent amount of time lying ahead of me in my day (this is of course rare) because I like to complete tasks thoroughly. When I know I won’t be able to finish something it is tough for me to start it.

    Other things I have become accustomed to getting started out of necessity, but never really finishing it because it really never will truly be done. Laundry is one of these. And I am responsible for 4, sometimes 5 people’s laundry including my own (3 of my kids’ laundry, mine, and sometimes Mom’s or sometimes my dad does that).

    So my tendency is to want to put in as many loads as I can in one day or in a few days as I can for the 4 of us, but I have to get out of the way for Dad, my husband, and my oldest so I have to attempt to remember to get my loads done and out of the way in the little laundry room to make way for 3 guys in my life to get theirs done.

    You would think after a few years sharing this house with my family and my parents also, that I would have a more structured routine. But very few days are alike for me, very few hours are the same, and very few loads of laundry are the same and it seems I have often left a load behind in the dryer when it’s Dad’s agreed upon laundry day. It seems my husband is often waiting for me to move loads over. And my teen is still avoiding committing to a certain laundry day and is the most flexible about me being in the way.

    This morning I took my kids in the car early to complete a full day of library hikes and I forgot to make sure the washer and dryer were cleared out because it’s Dad’s laundry day this well. He is going to adjust and wait until tomorrow, but seemed fairly disappointed that my stuff was in the way and I had forgotten it’s his turn.

    While sandwiched and while living within a large household there is plenty of turn-taking from chores, to showers, to making one’s coffee and stepping aside. Some families have more structured schedules and we are glad we don’t yet need that, but maybe someday.

    There are many factors and it’s complicated to make it all work out day to day.

  • August 5, 2025

    Unpleasant Surprise

    Got an unexpected and unpleasant surprise for our family today. Our cleaner person of two years quit without notice by texting me a letter she wrote to my husband and I. She sent a broken heart emoji and sent her letter, noting that she found the timing to be devastating but that she just accepted a job as a paraprofessional for the school district. She noted that having multiple cleaning clients has taken a toll on her body and she just found out today that she is receiving an official offer for her new job

    I told her how much she will be missed by texting her back. And I thanked her for her work and especially for hanging a gallery of beautiful framed family photos in Mom’s sitting room that have made her beam more than she has in forever. She had to quit before finishing it which is breaking all of our hearts.

    She was with us for two years. Our house is large for the 8 of us and we have plenty of belongings that are not very organized that tend to impede progress.

    Now we’re discussing using what we paid her to finally require the kids to do more and to earn something more than your basic allowance, but that means I will have to train them in cleaning, manage them, and so on and so forth and quite frankly with everything else I do I don’t know if that will last long.

  • August 4, 2024

    Breathing Just a Little Easier

    With a house full of 8 of us and various visitors coming and going, when just one person is not at home it changes the dynamic and quite honestly, for me, it allows me to breathe just a little bit easier.

    I am an extrovert and I live large gatherings, though I do have some social anxiety around individuals I don’t know well until I get to know them. But when one of my children goes and spends a night or two with the paternal grandparents or when another is at camp or when Dad spends the day playing golf or my husband is at work….I breathe a little easier.

    I want them to return of course, and I begin to miss them (some more than others sooner- highly dependent on recent attitudes, behaviors, possible disagreements) after a couple of days. But at first I can feel myself take a deep breath.

    It’s one less person who will interrupt my focus or need something from me. It’s one less possible variable in the realm of potential conflicts. The potential for conflict goes up exponentially when all 8 of us are here and when just one is at his robotics club meeting or another is playing at a friend’s house, the potential for overall conflict options goes down.

    The noise seems to decrease even more so than it actually does. The messes should decrease, but that never seems to happen. But it’s truly a thing. My almost 9-year-old is spending a couple of nights away from us and going to a couple of stores with 3 kids instead of 4 seemed to happen more simply today. And I didn’t have to think about whether that son or my husband would hate what I was making for dinner tonight because my husband was at a work dinner and neither of them were here to eat it (still had one out of three kids whining and trying to refuse it- it was spaghetti and meatballs, I mean, come on).

    It’s a little easier to breathe when one or more steps out and even when the dog is at the groomer it’s like a mini vacay in my mind.

  • August 1, 2025

    Facts About Founder and Family

    There’s a chorus of different sounds in our home from the dog’s incessant barking when anyone is close to our home outside to teen slang and teens making fun of teen slang (“skibbity toilet!” “Bruh, that’s cap”) to us hollering for the kids to do things and my parents hollering at one another in frustration when they do not hear one another or in jubilation when their favorite teams score.

    We are blessed with plenty of room but tend to be cursed by the need to constantly shout for someone instead of dealing with another staircase. Cell phones on the teens sometimes help, but if they suspect chores and expectations they don’t always answer. All four kids argue as do all of us at times. The littles argue most frequently and for our daughter the loss of a toy or the remote at the hands of a brother leads to the most tears.

    Any one of us can be caught whining or complaining at a given moment, but also jokes, love, and encouragement live here too.

    Next week the chatter will be about school schedules, teachers, classes, and bus info and about soaking up every last bit of summer. And for the next month the sounds of birthdays being celebrated will be a frequent blessing.

    And then Mom will face surgery again and we will talk about fears, plans, preparations, questions we have, and ways to prioritize providing support and advocacy one day at a time.

    As it comes up we’ll talk about it. And the kids are still coming to us to talk about a lot so we keep the conversations going and we ask them to come to us with anything and hope that they will and we know that they don’t always. And we hope that those who enter our doors are listening ears and voices that fill and uplift where we are not necessarily invited to do so or are not the ones meant to be there for that purpose or lesson.

    I ache for silence at times when I cannot get a second, but I know I will ache for each one of these voices when I don’t get to hear it close by anymore.