Sandwiched Support

Tag: motherhood

  • It’s fine, I’m fine, Everything is fine

    Sandwich Generation life took over over the holidays between all 8 of us getting the flu over our Christmas break and New Year’s, one after another after another. Thankfully we had our vaccinations but it was still yucky and ugly. I told myself I was going to be able to do this blog daily. Then I told myself I was going to be able to catch up all of the daily posts I missed starting in October and add photos and then starting with making the Trick or Treat magic for the neighborhood with an amazing fellow neighborhood mom and then getting everything ready for the holiday season this fell off the list. But isn’t that just the epitome of Sandwich Generation life. I am hoping to shift to once weekly consistently now in 2026 starting with today.

    Thrilled that Mom’s first knee replacement surgery is February 2nd but we still had to not only go to a surgery scheduling appointment with the surgeon’s PA to choose which knee to start with and discuss the surgery, but also had to have a Clear for Surgery appointment with the PCP, and another one with the Cardiologist. And as if that weren’t enough an NP at the surgeon’s office had to see Mom a month prior to surgery to clear her when we were just at the PCP three days before that and at the cardiologist 3 days before the PCP. Simply cannot help but think that there are too many cooks in the clearance kitchen and everyone wants a piece of the billing pie. She’s high risk in certain ways, but that last checkup with the NP when she had just seen her PCP took the overkill cake for me. I am the Sandwiched accompanying uber driver and appointment advocate and when I can’t schedule my own clients I don’t get paid. But yeah, let’s have an NP take up our time checking on Mom when a physician plus a specialist’s office just checked her within the past week.

    One of my awesome bosses gifted me some dumpster fire socks and I am still looking forward to finding a time to put my feet up so the sock bottoms can be read by others “It’s Fine, I’m Fine, Everything is Fine.”

  • October 9, 2025

    Tis the Season

    When Mom entered the hospital a year ago for emergent surgery (which led to nearly a year of complications at the little hospital before a seemingly successful surgery in September has provided significant relief and hopefully has solved the problem) I lost what little control I was getting of our already cluttered new-to-us home. When my parents sold their home and we sold ours 4 years ago and moved into one house I almost single-handedly cleared years of clutter (things Mom hoped to use again) out of my parents’ home. But then as we combined what we kept we realized we did not quite purge enough stuff along the way and 4 years later after a year of almost constant advocating for better care for Mom, there is a serious clutter explosion lining the sides of one basement room, piled in a basement storage room, covering the one side of our bedroom, choking our dining room, and don’t ask about the attic and one section of the garage. I use A Lot of the stuff but rarely have a minute to put it away rather than putting it down.

    So now we’ve entered the season of celebrating it all! We are counting our blessings and almost ALL of this holiday themed cheer from Halloween to Thanksgiving to Christmas to New Year’s, but honestly I am already exhausted from the trunk or treat I organized and moving through crowds at the Halloween Parade and there’s work and youth sports and plenty of ongoing outpatient appointments for both of my parents. So far I have two little Halloween signs set out around the mess and a Falk wreath on the door. I tend to go ALL OUT and love to, but these days it’s like I just don’t have the bandwidth.

    We just got our pumpkins out by the front door next to the doormat that says “Sunshine Vibes”. Maybe I’ll get the “Trick or Treat“ mat out by Friday, maybe not. But I do know that I have to clean up the dining room before the end of November (trust me there is very little margin to get this done and it will happen at the sacrifice of plenty of my sleep) and the Christmas shopping already began after Christmas last year because I’ll nearly single handedly be bringing all of the magic like I do every year. And I wouldn’t mind if that was all there was to do but, that’s the furthest thing from the case.

  • October 8, 2025

    The Why

    I have been talking with clients, particularly my college student clients who are questioning their life choices when midterms hit, about their “Why”. For them I point to my degrees and licenses on the wall of my office and tell them that I have been where they are and that though they must lock in now and grind it out when it’s difficult, if I did it, so can they.

    I have been struggling with it all. The mental load of this sandwiched situation, the inadequate support, the significant need for advocacy on my part to fill significant gaps in systems that I seem to pay quite a bit into in taxes and the insurance payments are astounding. It still makes me weak in the knees when I think of all who are doing this with fewer resources than I have and I try not to verbally express frustration when some more privileged than we are mention paying out of pocket for resources that we will likely never be able to afford.

    But as I sit in this idyllic setting where our children are privileged to play soccer on a beautifully manicured field surrounded by brilliant fall colors and scenic farmland. And as I watch my healthy daughter run freely with the ball it is the ideal moment to practice gratitude for the health most of our household is experiencing now and the strides we have made. I am grateful for the medical care we do have available, even as I want to challenge us to be provide better. I am grateful that my children have a wonderful school district in an amazing community and that we can raise them in a healthy place where a variety of activities are available for their enjoyment and enrichment. And when I remember that everything I do is for family and that my children are thriving it reminds me Why I work this hard burning the candle at both ends.

    I truly care about my parents and about my children and my family as a whole and doing everything I can to give them the best life possible as far as it depends on the choices I make. I received this text from a dear friend who I respect very much. The whole text made my day, this part in particular:

    “You are a warrior and take such good care of your family. Remember to take care of yourself too.”

    As I walk this long winding road in this season of life and step up as a warrior for the cause of my family each day, I haven’t yet found the best way to also take care of myself. Yet is one of my favorite words though, I know I can and will learn at some point. But for now I am focusing on the “Why” for getting up early and getting to bed late so that I can keep it all going in this season for those who count on me. They matter so much to me and they are my Why.

  • October 6, 2025

    Something’s Gotta Give

    When sandwiched Mom/Adult Daughter is not feeling well, work (as a contractor at one job and a part-time employee at the other there is NO paid sick time, NO paid vacation time, and there are NO benefits so if I don’t show up and work I don’t get paid AT ALL) doesn’t stop, the kids’ needs don’t stop, the parents’ needs don’t stop, and the mess waiting for me doesn’t stop a bit either. So we, the sandwiched primary parents who are also only children of the aging (or whatever the situation is for you) rarely find a break. And something has to give and it’s been this blog. Playing catch up right now, but it might turn into once weekly posting if I fall too far behind. There are “life hacks” that cost me money, but they’re worth it. I have someone cleaning a portion of my house each week for 4 hours a week, I pay for grocery delivery from a chain store and a big box retailer, and plenty of packages with everything from toiletries to household goods to pharmacy health-related items to the gift I need for the weekend land by my front door. Then I hit up consignment sales and stores for all things pre-owned in the toy, clothing, shoe, and home decor categories to save money while living as well as we can. We like the name brand things too, but we typically live with them used and then sell them to consignment when all kiddos have grown out of them or we donate at various places. I rarely get to schedule my own appointments with my “hairapist” and my own therapist and time to connect with friends is becoming more and more rare unless that friend happens to be at a community activity that involves one of my children or something with our church where we are participating or volunteering. If I will already be there showing up where we are already committed on the calendar, we might get to chat. My texting thumbs are incredibly speedy and I am blogging on my phone with them while at my son’s soccer practice after zipping over here from my daughter’s parent/teacher conference which I raced to after hurrying home from work and stopping quickly in my driveway to pick up two of my sons (one to go to soccer practice and the older one to be his chaperone while my husband and I were at our daughter’s conference). And I had to pick up my sons because I let something (heaven-forbid) drop from my mental load and forgot to ask my mom-in-law to cover soccer. So I had to cover it. I promise my husband wasn’t volunteering to ask his mom for help or to help get my son to soccer. He did however tell me I would be cutting it close, which I was, arrived 3 minutes before conference time and got upstairs in the school to the classroom just in time. Thankfully the teacher had stepped out for a bathroom break so us showing up in the nick of time was beautifully anticlimactic. I got it all done again, while recovering from what I still don’t know and finishing up my period and another day I will tell you about ALL the kin-keeping I was doing at the same time plus all of the regular Mom of 4 and busy Adult daughter of two live-in aging parent stuff. Is this really all meant to be one WOMAN’s job?

  • October 4, 2025

    Resting on the move

    On Saturday, the day the post is dated for, I kept plans with two close friends from practically forever who I don’t see often enough and live a couple of hours from. In some ways I didn’t feel well enough to go, but we each brought along our youngest (all daughters) to meet about halfway between us and spend the day at a place that is a well-oiled machine for kids to have a BLAST and parents to (mostly) relax and enjoy in an outdoor activity farm setting.

    I had had my symptoms for like 2 1/2 weeks by then and it didn’t appear that I had gotten anyone else sick and also I had been on antibiotics since that Wednesday morning and steroids for a lot longer and things seemed somewhat better.

    I decided to go while not super well because I was on the high dose steroid and getting into the thick of the antibiotics then and during the days I was on my feet or sitting in a chair or car doing everything I normally do (because no one is filling in for me as a woman in the thick of the sandwich generation season of life). I mean I was avoiding lifting bins or anything heavier housework- wise and then later in the evening I was getting to bed earlier.

    But having my two youngest kids home on a Saturday together without any help to entertain them is not at all restful so I think the best idea was to go to a super fun place with just my daughter to meet friends and play and to have chatting therapy with my friends.

    It turned out to be the best plan! One of my friends is battling an ongoing challenging health issue and we all enjoyed moseying, sitting, rocking, and finding shade while the kids enjoyed unlimited admission bracelet fun for 6 straight hours. They were happy and in sight and we got to just breathe and catch up.

    In this stage of life for all of us there are many (different but similar) very real reasons why we might not have been able to reschedule anytime soon. Talking with your people about similar life challenges is truly a light in what can feel like a very dark and heavy time.

    If you’re on your feet at home it can help to take at least one kiddo and go where there’s fun, where there’s amazing people you miss often, and where you can mostly sit where you are not feeling the piles of laundry staring at you.

  • September 28, 2025

    Looking at the Week Ahead

    It’s a season where I am already overwhelmed on a Sunday night just looking at my week ahead with some manner of dread. A lot of weeks are like this but not all. Last week I was able to get coffee with two dear friends and we are aiming for once monthly and are so far two for two.

    But tomorrow I work and then I get Mom on an online appointment and then I head to two back to back appointment that I am fitting in to attend them in person for me. Then two additional online clients and then running kiddos to their evening activities. 2 kiddos out of 4 have something tomorrow evening so it’s not a super heavy load where we need to ask my Mom-in-law to be the third driver. Phew! She’s out of state visiting my sister-in-law and her family.

    Then it’s work outside the home the next two days with quick dinners and the evening rush and then Thursday I have client from home and doctors’ appointments for Dad and Mom to and Friday has more appointments for Mom.

    I am planning to watch a show online and spend a little time on social media and also try to get a decent night’s sleep while I’m not feeling my best.

    It’s A LOT right now while sandwiched. A whole lot.

  • September 24, 2025

    Pushing Through Anyway

    I haven’t been feeling well this week, but I’m sandwiched daughter and mom. There is really no one to fill in for me without rearranging or canceling plenty and without a TON of favors being asked likely of other moms who either don’t work outside of the home or work from home. Quite frankly unless I am completely incapacitated with a stomach virus that won’t quit I don’t want to take the time and energy to ask multiple people for help with ALL that I do for my family each week. Text after text to try to find the right person who happens to be free and willing to do each thing honestly ends up being a lot and quite frankly it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t return the favor later. And it’s not that I don’t want to help them out, it’s only fair and these individuals are friends and relatives and fellow sandwiched moms in solidarity, it’s just that I already feel like I don’t have the bandwidth to keep up with my own family’s needs and wants. And I know they feel the same way. So just like people show up to work sick, Moms do that too except we don’t get a real restful break unless someone chooses to step up to take something off of our plates and between the meal prep, the appointments, the running kids to activities, the housework, the laundry, and the childcare, homework support, and support of aging loved ones, no one is willing to take it all on. Lightening the load of a member of the sandwiched generation is absolutely a thing and it is greatly appreciated, but truly there is no one who is really taking it all on for even one day. Sometimes a husband takes on putting out the “fires” of what’s needed to get his children through the day or a mom-in-law runs the kids to everything, makes lunch and dinner, and puts in a load of laundry, but it is a rarity that coverage does not leave plenty for the primary sandwiched adult to catch up on once well.

    A comparison can be made here to any job, but truly there is no comparison to the number of items on the primary caregiver/sandwiched adult’s list. And so very many categories leaving “tabs” open in the brain.

    A visit to urgent care or a nap or a trip to pick up a medication is carefully considered and life juggled to fit it in with everything else. And boy do we ever try not to loop in someone else. Instead sleep is lost, meals are skipped, and we do the next thing while the laundry and dust bunnies collect and multiply.

  • September 19, 2025

    Where’s That Uniform

    I’ve tried to train them to put the dirty uniform right on the laundry room floor. I used to forget to wash them on time pretty often before I did that. Now I will see soccer, baseball, dance, robotics bunched up in an inside out heap on the floor with tights and tall socks intermingled and be immediately reminded to spray those stains and toss it all in with the next load. For my oldest two I can hand over the responsibility for the freshly laundered and folded stacks right away and they will know where they are when it’s go time.

    Game time or Show Time or Practice (yep even at the practices for some activities there is a dress code or uniform required) comes along and my younger two have no clue. Gotta keep working with them on this….in my spare time.

    The other day I managed to clear and sort everything on the laundry room floor (kind of a big feat at our house in this season of life) trying to find my youngest son’s soccer uniform to get it clean in time and we realized it was in his hamper in his room the whole time. Same deal with my daughter. Not where the items needed to be. Up in her hamper as well.

    Trying to bring to life systems that work for our actual schedules. Now if everyone would join me in them. I guess that’s the rub.

  • September 18, 2025

    Inservice

    Tomorrow is a random inservice day quite early in the school year and our kids have off from public school. There will be two and a half days off in October as well around conferences though they don’t have Columbus Day off in the same week. I see parents on social media talking about this often, that the kids seem to have more and more days off or half days and days that are not as often around holidays. We found ways to have fun. I am writing and posting these posts late and our oldest two sons played their first rounds of 9 holes of golf with Dad which went really well, our third son had the time of his life at an outdoor adventure place with a small group of friends for the friend’s birthday, and I had a big play date at our house with a bunch of my daughter’s friends. Play date went great but it was an all-day commitment. Then I had some tickets for an amusement park that were going to expire so the kids lived their best lives Saturday and then sports Sunday afternoon. Quite often I am choosing between catching up the pages of work I need to enter into the computer and laundry, organizing, and tidying up. I am sitting at soccer practice now catching up the blog posts because I let them lapse last week. Not feeling super well and sometimes it all feels like a lot because in this season, it truly is.

  • August 25, 2025

    Lonely Waiting

    Mom’s surgery is today. It’s going on now. It’s been a long day as her arrival to the big hospital was scheduled for 11:15 AM and she was prepped and ready before 1:00 PM but another procedure with another surgeon ran overtime in the OR she was to be going into. She just went into the OR just before 3:15 PM. Her surgeon and anesthesiologist seem very competent and we are hopeful! But the procedure is extensive and risky and I have been texting, calling, and posting on social media because I am on my own here, waiting, and technology allows me to receive support from friends and family from a distance

    I am to receive updates approximately every 2 hours. The surgeon shared that he scheduled her this way as he is already here all night so there is no rush and the procedure could take 1 hour or 6 hours. We knew it was going to be complicated going into it.

    They called the surgical waiting room about an hour and a half into her entering the operating room so that the staff member at the desk could let me know that they had just then started surgery now, but that it took anesthesia a while to place her lines (IV and some other things they discussed with us ahead of time) so it will likely be quite a while yet.

    I have so much support from a distance yet I am sitting here alone just like I did right after COVID in the county where I grew up while my Dad had a quadruple bypass surgery. He is doing very well physically now about (I think) 5 years later or so. I’m an only child and most of my close friends have as many or more kids than I do and they have been working all day or caring for kids all day or both. They are running kids to activities because it’s a Monday night at the start is the school year and making dinner and some will soon start the bedtime routine for their young ones. Would be tough to ask one of them to accompany me even though I know they wish they could be here.

    We have been marathoning hosting celebrations for three of our kids’ summer birthdays and hosted a celebration for a faith-based milestone for our youngest just yesterday. We have very little margin in which to plan and we didn’t know how the day would go so we agreed that Dad would get the kids off the bus like he always does and save his energy for visiting Mom tomorrow and Wednesday while I am working. And my husband worked all day and is running the kids to activities so that didn’t plan for him to be here, but now I wish he was.

    Great news in the middle of writing this (an hour ago) Mom’s surgeon walked into the waiting room much sooner than I expected and shared how the procedure went better than expected and that many things we were concerned might happen did not occur and all of this is amazing news!! It took them longer to get the lines in her this time (a number of factors are making her a tough stick at the moment) than the surgery took.

    And my cousin who works here came and gave me a hug a half hour ago as she headed in for her night shift. So I have much to be thankful for as I wrap up this post!

    I will say though that the waiting was lonely and difficult and I will be asking and trying to arrange someone to wait with me whenever there is a next time. Once Mom is cleared by this surgeon she will pursue knee replacement surgery next. Hopefully that will not be as nerve wracking.